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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex boyfriend is confusing. Advice?

15 replies

Mentos1983 · 27/05/2020 22:44

Sorry if this is long, really need some advice and I don’t want to drip feed.

I split up with him a few weeks ago because I needed some space to gather my thoughts. The main reason I left was, I worried it was becoming abusive. He would fly off the handle over something small and swear at me. He would also threaten to leave because part of him wanted a reaction from me and part of him wanted to stop the rowing. I’m not the type to ‘walk on egg shells’ or bite my tongue, so I’d always snap back at him and stick up for myself. His issue with me was, he felt I would carry the argument on too far, when he‘d ask me to stop. I would get frustrated that he called the shots on when I could stop arguing. He felt the relationship was one sided, his feelings were never taken into consideration. He’s always the one to say sorry and we’d talk about it but we went round in circles. He’s very hard working, has done a lot for me, put me first and showed he cared by his actions. We had some great times, lived together, was about to buy a new house.

Since being apart, we have spoken. He doesn’t want to go separate ways and I’m unsure. I’ve told him that his behaviour was unacceptable and we should have set boundaries at the beginning. He agreed with me and said he’d make sure he’d not do it again. But I don’t see how he can stop being so touchy? He then said he felt I was digging him out and he felt I put all the blame on him. I didn’t know what to say. I just want to make the right decision.

OP posts:
moonway · 27/05/2020 23:17

I think you did the right thing, you managed to get out before it became too toxic, he may be acting fine now because he wants to be back in the relationship but if you do get back together do you truly believe the cycle will stop? Maybe the best thing would be to cut all contact so you can both move on and find healthier relationships

Neepers · 27/05/2020 23:19

Doesn’t sound great written down, does it? Take a step back and read from an outsiders point of view. How have you felt during your time apart? More calm, relieved? Even in your ‘get back together’ chat, he was blaming you.

MakeMineABourbon · 28/05/2020 02:46

Get out. Stay away. Any kind of toxicity is wrong in any kind of relationship. Leave and be happier with someone who doesn’t give you grief.

longtimecomin · 28/05/2020 03:30

This is abuse, you need to stay away from this one Flowers

LivingThatLockdownLife · 28/05/2020 03:39

So he kept threatening to leave, then you did and now he wants you back.

Lovely way to spend the early years of a life long partnership.

The hills are that way >>>>

LivingThatLockdownLife · 28/05/2020 03:39

Ps. He is not confusing, he is abusive.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2020 04:28

Ask yourself why you want to go back into a dysfunctional relationship. Why? You've gotten out of it. Stay out.

Thepigeonsarecoming · 28/05/2020 04:32

How old are you both OP?

Aclh13 · 28/05/2020 04:43

I'm always weary of threads like this because they're one sided, whether this thread represents the honest truth or not your projection indicates you are unhappy and trying to be pursuaded to leave him. Just leave, rip the 'plaster of and go on your way' if you don't you'll be trapped In a life you didn't want for years to come. Block him on everything and find something to distract you.

AlwaysCheddar · 28/05/2020 07:45

Move on, It clearly wasn’t working out so stop wasting your life with him

Mentos1983 · 28/05/2020 12:59

Yeah I was definitely unhappy and was just hoping there was a way to fix things. I wish we could have done things differently, I’m so gutted. He has mentioned ‘couples counselling’ But surely that’s for like married couples, we have only been together four years.
For someone that asked, I’m 27 and he is 28.

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 28/05/2020 13:06

Never go to counciling with someone toxic. Ever. They can even manipulate the therapist into thinking you are the one with the issues.

Anyway, I think you should stay out of this one. Dont try to remain friends either. I think you have done well to start spotting the signs.

Might be useful to watch some youtube vloggers on narcissists to see if anything there rings bells. Melanie tonia Evans is good.

Wither way, you arent happy with him. There is no fixing toxic. End it clearly and walk away. Keep yourself safe.

Bunnymumy · 28/05/2020 13:08

*either

Oh theres one by her called - how narcissists react when you leave. (Might be worth watching if you are gonna properly finish things) so you know how he may react and what to expect. The best offence is a good defence and all that...

Herbie0987 · 28/05/2020 13:12

You sound like you just rub each other up the wrong way. You are both going round in circles but neither of you could get out of the cycle till you left. Ask yourself are you happier

Mentos1983 · 28/05/2020 14:50

Thankyou. He mentioned couples counselling to both learn how to communicate properly. I didn’t even realise he could manipulate the therapist, that’s such a scary thought. I’ll have a research on YouTube about narcissists.
Yeah we just kept going around in circles, we’d not argue for a few weeks and then it would start up again and so on. Very frustrating. It’s hard to tell if I’m happy at the moment, I feel devastated because I love him but I’m also scared because the balls in my court. I’ve never had to make the decision, I’ve always been the one who gets dumped.

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