How did you move on after abusive relationship?

[holdingontohope]

I originally posted this on AIBU but as a first-time poster I have now realised that wasn't the best place...

I was in an abusive (physical, emotional, financial) relationship until Dec 2018.

I have had extensive therapy and am now in a happy relationship but I am still affected by the previous relationship almost every day. I have PTSD and trust issues that seem hard to resolve. I have also lost my "sense of self" and trust in my own thoughts and feelings.

Is this normal? I know everyone is different, but it would be helpful to know how others have been affected by abusive relationships and what helped them to recover? I feel sad that the person I was before that relationship might be gone forever.

Thank you

I am the same
It ended Dec 2019 after many bad years
The ending was horrific !
To start with I was relieved , and focus was on the kids who are also badly affected
And badly behaved I have to say
Now As lockdown drags in I realise I also have some issues myself
I get angry fast
I’m massively anxious
I turn over negative thoughts in my head
I worry about the kids but hate them when they behave like him
I’m on anti anxiety meds and also having therapy (which has bought up things and made me worse a bit !)
It’s so hard
I can only say be kind to yourself and acknowledge when you are having bad days and mental issues

It’s not easy and there are twists and turns

The idea we would be this happy little family unit immediately was frankly inaccurate

But how can I calm my kids if I am not well myself

I read and read and read about the effects of abusive relationships. Once I got my head round the fact that my emotional responses in the relationship, and after the break up, were completely normal (as are yours), I started to be able to move forward.

The person you were has learned some stuff, and probably moved some boundaries. Ultimately, you will be your same self again, but better. All the fun bits of you will still be the same sort of fun, all the bits of you that could love will still be able to love. You'll just have stronger boundaries and resolve, because you will be protecting yourself from going through this again.

Accepting that all my feelings were valid was a big one too. None of them wrong or right, no judgement of them. Just acceptance and respect of them. Feelings settle down when they get listened to and respected.

I think if you are disciplined and canny and do the right self analysis an abusive relationship can actually make you stronger, more resilient and happier.

I now have a much clearer idea of what I will and won’t tolerate now and am far happier communicating this to people because I know that I am not prepared to go back to the sorts of compromises I made during my marriage.

I also see the huge benefits of being single and particularly of living alone (with my daughter) and am very happy to walk away if something isn’t working for me.

Obviously I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but I think having recovered from it has allowed me to learn who I am in a way I probably wouldn’t have otherwise.

If I had been in an OK but not hugely satisfying marriage I would probably not have left and would not have the unadulterated joy of not having to live with a bloke.

You do have to do the work; be quite tough and honest with yourself and you HAVE to be single for a good while as you process it. Counselling is always good. But I firmly believe you can come out of it far stronger.

I’m only 5 months in
So yeah ! Need a bit more tome

It takes as long as it takes... 'I should be over this by now' is one example of not respecting your own feelings.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/expressive-trauma-integration/201809/roadmap-after-trauma-six-stages-trauma-integration

14 years since I left my abusive x and I'm happy but not 100% healed. Eg recently somebody trying to exclude me from a group triggered me badly.

The first few years, I obsessed over NPD and I don't know if that's a necessary step in the process but I grudge the time I spent learning SO much about narcissists.

It took me a good while before I turned the spotlight back on myself and started researching what was wrong with me that I put up with it.

I may not be completely healed but I make sure to bring joy in to my life by doing what makes me happy and not doing what makes me unhappy. I feel in control of my own life again.

I am reading The BOdy keeps the score at the moment. Not sure I'm relating to it that well so I migth try the Pete Walker book about c ptsd.

I don't want to disappear down a 'healing sink hole' though, so I limit my time digesting this stuff (it is like catnip to me now but I must take a break). Do things because you enjoy them. Listen to them if they make you laugh. Et cetera. Intersperse the healing with laughter.

there are a lot of people on youtube but this woman KNOWS HER STUFF

Look up meredith miller on youtube.

I obsessed too, Sawollya. I read so much on NPD and psychopathy. I don't begrudge the time though. I think it's good to follow your instincts, and learn everything you need to learn, if you've been hurt in this way. Forewarned is forearmed, right? It'll never be happening to you or I again. But only because we spent all that time 'studying'.

This is true. Never again! And you're right, it's where my instincts lead me first. It seems to be the first essential step.

It's only relatively recently that I've gone right back to the drawing board, acknowledging that various things were going to continue to be a problem for me because they were emotionally disregulating me ( triggering me) because I had CPTSD and learning about the trauma responses.

This will help me I think. I learnt about putting a space in between me and my response and being conscious of that space. I am not my response. I am me. let that space between me and my response grow with practice. etc.

Yes, I had to learn that not all my thoughts were true, and that I can actively choose which ones to believe.

CPTSD is such a lot of work to live with and work through. You sound like you're making progress though, and that's great. Onwards!