long distance 'relationship'

[Naimee87]

Hello,

So i have definitely been bothering my friends with this topic a lot so thought fresh comments would be really helpful.
I met someone back in November online and we really hit it off and we've been in very close contact pretty much everyday, even over Christmas. It wasn't until February that we actually managed to meet each other and it was as good as I had imagined it could be to meet him in person. However we do not live in the same country (4hr drive) so seeing each other has been very limited given these 'unprecedented' times (ugh, truly hate that sentence) we have been successful only a handful more times but each time gets better and better... and we are still in contact daily with facetime too. He is super reassuring that once some sort of 'normalcy' returns we'll be much freer to see each other. He seems so relaxed about the whole thing and totally happy to wait to see me. And it took a while but I am pretty convinced he feels the same way i do but i just don't know how long we can keep this up and whether it is worth it... I reaaaallllly want it to be BUT can't get the nagging thought out of my head that what if i am waiting and waiting and waiting and nothing really does change?? I have been hurt in the past and i know it'd be very hard to take if this was all for nothing...

Practically, can you move there or can he move to where you are? Otherwise it's a non starter.

*obviously I mean if it were to start getting serious.

So like, 6 months from now if you were seeing each other. Would you or he, or both even, be willing and able to move closer to each other.

I suppose these are questions we haven't talked about because its so new. It would be more difficult for me to move than for him as I have a DS who is 10. He travels a lot for his job to where I live which is why we have been able to meet as often as we have. It's just difficult and annoying when you want to listen to your feelings and then you realise reality doesn't care about them really... you know what i mean?

Yeh, it's easy to just get swept along and hope it'll all work out. I guess, maybe next time you meet him in person, have a serious talk about the practicalities of things in the future. Like, if his job jaunts were to change location ect...then that would be that realistically wouldn't it? And even if they dobt, there will come a time where it just jsbt enough surely.

Not to say you cant just treat it as a bit of fun for now. But if you would like something more serious then knowing what is and is not possible in future should be up for discussion.

Also, not to be paranoid...but are you totally sure he is single...I mean...if he met you through a dating site, I'd be asking WHY he was looking in that area for something and not at home. Would suggest he may have someone at home. Or he wasnt looking for anything serious.

I mean if he'd just met you in a pub there and you clicked then fine but as it was online....maybe do some digging. And just keep your guard up a bit longer.

Does he sill stay elsewhere when he visits?

Maybe go visit him where he is some time?
Couldn't harm to see his lifestyle. Might give you a better idea of things. And of course, to double check he isnt hiding something. Like, well - you, from his wife xD

I knew it was good to post on here!
You are right there are a lot of 'what ifs' and that is where i get conflicted because each time i do have a question for him he answers in the most perfect and reassuring way... which should reassure me??
I know he has a daughter who is already grown up, there has been nothing to give me the impression he is seeing anyone else. We even decided to say we wouldn't see other people, which seems a little crazy seeing as we hardly see each other. I wish i could relax into it a bit more and just see it as something fun and casual because for right now that is all it can be. Trusting men is really hard to do... And it is also kind of exciting when i know i will get to see him because i still get nervous, but good nervous... thanks for all your comments i love them

You're welcome, take care of yourself! I guess just take things slow and always trust your gut and hopefully things will work out well one way or another:)

At the moment, it's not like you could be out dating anyway, so you might as well enjoy what you have and see what happens. If you weren't talking to him anymore, you'd still be 'waiting' because no one can really safely date face-to-face at the moment and not for the foreseeable future. As long as you continue to take it slow and it's not taking time away from your ds and work and other commitments at the moment, why not?

It's not the same as I didn't have dc at the time, but when I met dh, we temporarily lived in the same place due to work for 6 months, but our actual home countries were literally on the other side of the world from each other. We only saw each other every 2-3 months or so for the first couple years. We were both sure it was worth waiting out the things we needed to get sorted to be in the same place, and while it was hard, it was temporary. But I definitely didn't know only a few months in that I'd be ready to make that jump yet, especially when you haven't been able to see each other much (we were together 5 days out of 7 at the time). But 4 hours isn't really that big of a deal if he is willing to be flexible, because you probably can't be due to ds. I think it's fine to wait to have that conversation until things are more normal though and just enjoy what time you do have together now.

I would say that I found our relationship is definitely stronger now (it's been over a decade since we've actually been living together in the same place) because we had so much time to just talk and plan and get to know each other early on...because that was all we had and the only thing we could do being so far away. So it definitely isn't a detriment, if it's the right relationship long-term.

I so appreciate your comments! It's good to hear 'fresh' views from people who don't know me or him and can just tell me the truth even if it's difficult to hear.
It is promising to hear that you also started out living in different countries but managed to make it work... it's just hard at this point to not keep wondering about the future all the time and just enjoy it like you say. Like will he just fed up of only being able to msg and talk over the phone... I suppose it works in our favour that 'seeing' other people is now pretty difficult. I also know there is a big difference in trusting someone and wanting to trust them... which scares me a bit too. All very complicated, why is life never nice and simple, haha!
We are hoping to meet next week and if we manage i guess we'll be able to get our thoughts out and hopefully we're still on the same page and feel the same.

Hi. I'm sort of in the same boat as you. My guy lives 2.5 hours away, he sees his kids 50% of the time, my ex has my child one night in the week and every other weekend. He also isn't the best at communication. We had a lunch date at the end of February and then the pandemic hit. He seems very serious about things etc but the other annoying thing is that his ex won't commit to times for him to drop the kids back so he can't commit to making any plans with me etc. Feels like I'm slogging a dead horse really. We have made plans to meet on the 13th but I was hoping I might be able to meet him before then as I'm a bit impatient and want to see him. But just think there are too many cons for it to work

Hello!

Kids make things even more tricky don't they!
Maybr his ex is jealous he is moving on and is making things difficult for you... annoying.
But if he seems keen to try make this work and has given you no reason to doubt him then go for it. I am trying to be more patient which is not easy at all but there isn't too much else we can do... and i still like the feeling of getting excited and nervous to see him. If the excitement goes or has gone then i guess it doesn't look like the relationship has much of future. At some point someone will get fed up which is a sign that feelings are not strong enough... he should be a positive thing in your life giving you good feelings and not create more stress and be difficult, if that makes sense.

I would give it a few more months, as you're still into each other, building a good healthy relationship, you can't always know how the future is going to go even with someone who lives close. If the distance really bothers you, you could try and ask when the topic comes up that you worry if the distance would be a long term problem, hinting like this but hopefully get him to open up more about it.

Hi Naimee.....yes that's exactly it.....he should be a positive thing in my life not adding more stress and being difficult. Patience is so key in LDR with kids but sometimes I'm not very good at that bit. Do you hear much from him when he has his child?

Well he is quite a bit older than me and his daughter is already grown up. I don't think he has really let her know about me... and i suppose at this point there isn't all that much to tell given the circumstances. My son also isn't aware of how often we've seen each other or how much we are trying to see each other. I guess its just take one day at a time and be as patient as possible. There isn't any part of me that is interested in trying to see anyone else right now and i trust him when he says the same goes for him. If only our minds didn't overthink things all the time, life would be so simple....