Husband is a planner and I'm not

[Ohfrigginghellers]

So, my DH is a planner and I am generally the sort of person to see how I feel on the day or spur of the moment type of person. That's not to say that I never plan stuff I just don't to the extent that he does.
He plans everything!
For example when he isn't at work he is not happy just pottering around the home he has to plan something everyday and usually go out somewhere. Under normal circumstances this would be a trip away but now it's just days out.
Before lockdown on the rare occasion when we would get to go out together for a meal without the dc he will always ask questions about what we are going to do next, where shall we go on holiday etc rather than just 'be in the moment' so to speak.

Anyway, my question is sometimes I find this really irritating and I'm sure he finds me irritating because I don't plan stuff as much.
How can we make the best of our differences in this situation?
Thanks

My husband is a planner. He has planned road trip holidays all over the world that have run like clockwork, researched restaurants in the places we will be to the nth degree, cars hired, plane tickets bought, hotel reservations all booked, excursions planned, the lot. I sit back and enjoy the ride. I bought him a cushion on which “I plan to be spontaneous tomorrow” was embroidered. After 44 years of marriage I have learned to live with it. He asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday one year. I said let’s just get into the car and go for a run out and have a pub meal wherever we end up. We did, we had a memorable time for that reason - it was spontaneous - something he has difficulty with. I just laugh when he asks what we are doing today. I am spontaneous he has to live with that too.

Dated a planner in the past and a non-planner.
A planner would call exactly the time he said he would, so it was quite nice to know that what is said will be done.
Non planner didn’t say he will call, text or etc. Just texted any time he feels like asking if we could have a chat.
It’s easier to be in a moment with a non planner, but i think in the longer run better to be with the planner one. Although not convinced...

@Slugslasher yep your dh sounds just like mine! I can relate to everything you've mentioned lol.

Similar situation but the other way around.

I need structure and plan and to not waste time, my OH can spend two hours in a supermarket getting one or two things when he has a day of commitments.

Frustrating but I’m learning to accept the wonder that he is. It’s five and take in a relationship. Sit down together and find a way how you can both embrace each other’s differences.

If anything, it’s helped him be more organised and punctual learning from me, and me to be more care and worry free. Not so much a bad thing!

My DH is a planner and I am not. I like to wing it and take risks a bit, he does not. However over 20 years of wedded bliss, I have become more responsible and think things through a bit more and he has learned to trust in my wing it attitude so he manages to feel a bit more free and does take more risks. I still cannot paint a room without detailed instructions etc, according to him there is lots of prep involved and you cannot just slap paint on!! Being so different has balanced us out I think.

DH and I are both non planners and at times it can be very fun, it can also end up being shit. He surprised me with a trip to New York, my dream destination for many years, and we didn't make the most of it at all because we didn't plan anything, just went with the flow and what we felt like doing on the day. When it was time to come home I felt like I had missed such an opportunity to see and do more. We did have lots of fun though and we always spend a lot of time laughing when we're together which is great. But at times I wish one of us were more organised and structured. I personally think relationships work best when you have one of each.

Same here OP. My DH plans everything. Similar to PP, he has planned all our holidays (last year he planned a month long trip that included various flights, trains, hire cars, hotels, visas, currencies and excursions). He plans trips for his friends (6 of them regularly go together), he researches purchases to a mind boggling degree (and there is no difference in the amount of research between buying a car and a coat) and has detailed plans for finances etc. He hates surprises.

I don’t plan much, having a strict schedule actually makes me anxious a lot of the time and I love surprises.

We work because he says I sometimes pull him into the moment and out of his own head.
Over the years he has learned to accept our differences and he has more patience now.

On my end, I try and plan some stuff and talk about the plans DH has made for us. I also make sure he knows how grateful I am that he has planned such lovely trips etc for us.
With surprises, we’ve also gotten into a habit of having a surprise get away every other year. DH plans it and I’m not told anything except dates. This way he gets the thought out holiday he enjoys and I get the surprise I like.

I think it’s about appreciating and understanding the differences. I accept the flaws in my ways, DH does the same so we allow our strengths to balance each other out.

Oh god I'm definitely the planner in our house

I am a planner I can’t help it. I don’t force it on other people but I struggle when people want to just wake up on the day and see how they feel. Because then what if the day is wasted? Argh feel all funny thinking about that 😂

Ok on a practical level - agree to plan some stuff spend some time on that, then ask him to move on from the planning for a while and ‘live in the moment’. He can’t expect you to talk about plans all evening and you can’t expect him to not get excited about planning. So no one dominates the whole evening or day or conversation, you both get turns. Hear him out then change the subject

I am a planner and I wish everyone else in my life was

Planners often find as much joy in planning the experience as in the experience itself.

Don’t take that away from him.

Just play to each other’s strengths. Be open about your differences and try to make sure you both get to express them without being stifled.

I'm a planner, I think you miss out on a lot if you don't plan. DH isn't and e.g. won't book anywhere for dinner on a Saturday night and insist we'll just happen across somewhere good. This of course never happens and we traipse from place to place with everywhere saying they're booked up and the DC get hungry and crabby and we end up eating somewhere shit. To me it's such a waste of an evening when a 2 minute call to a restaurant would have solved the problem.