Right, so I’m a total idiot!

[thegreenlight]

Against all your good advice I messaged my mum. My therapist suggested that if I wanted to reach out I should send a very neutral message like I would to a friend.

I sent a funny picture of recently taken of my boys with ‘I love you x thinking of you xxx’ no reply for a couple of hours then a cryptic ‘I’m far away and calm I don’t want to come home’ I was going to leave it at that but didn’t. I wrote ‘glad you are well and calm x where are you? Hope it’s somewhere nice’ she follows with another cryptic ‘away from where I live’ fine, I think. Thanks for that. I was starting to feel bad but you obviously don’t actually give a shit. I’m fine with that.

I then get my brother (flying monkey #2 who I don’t speak to really) posts a comment on a funny picture I put up of DS2 on Facebook saying ‘sorry would be nice’. I’m incandescent with rage (massive progress, trust me!) I really cant understand how she has twisted what has happened to require an apology from me! I’m done, totally done. I will make no more attempts. I should have listened to you all.

I just want a witness to this stupid fuckery! It’s not normal is it?! It’s definitely her not me, isn’t it? I don’t know what I was hoping for.

It's her.

It's not you.

Just block the lot of them.

I’m feeling worse today than I have in a while. Since having no contact my anxiety has been so much better. I should have left it but I felt I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t give her a chance. Her reaction is classic - why did I think she would change? Starting to realise brother is golden child (he is a real loser but still needs mum’s help so is in her thrall, he sends no cards or presents but this is accepted and stole from her in the past and was general waste of space) it was the one piece of the puzzle I couldn’t work out. I thought I might be the golden child as she had more contact with me yet she was very critical so it didn’t make sense.

Sorry, rambling. I just have to get it off my chest and next session with therapist isn’t until next Tuesday. Sorry for downloading!

I’d be tempted to reply to brother - ‘Oh I can’t see me ever getting an apology, can you?! Seriously though- MYOB.’

FizzyGreenWater Brother sent this as a message on Facebook under a unrelated picture of my DS that I posted yesterday so can’t reply without creating public drama. I have deleted the message. No idea what his number is but it’s tempting! I am staying silent but it’s so hard to be accused of things, knowing she’s telling her version and everyone is just lapping it up. She told me in a recent message that my brothers always resented me for being born and now she’s playing on that.

OP, you still seem to be clinging to the hope that your toxic mother will suddenly repent her ways, apologise and turn into the loving normal mum you wish you had. Why else contact her, or “give her a chance”?
The only chance you can give her is the chance to abuse you again. Please stop! You need to work through this with your therapist- to realise that abusers do not change.
You are not missing your actual mother, you’re missing the woman you wish she was. Accept that, grieve, and move on. The only good amount of contact with an abuser is no contact. And that goes for her flying monkeys too.
Sending you a hug, and the strength to stand firm in future. Good luck.

She could be so nice though, but only when I towed the line. It’s the reactions when she doesn’t get her own way. The drama, the running people down, the refusing to respect me as a parent o my own children while demanding I listen to her advice. The messages from her were horrid to the extent I don’t think I can get over them. I suppose because I’ve always been so careful to appease and apologise to her now I’m standing up to her I’m seeing the full force of it. It’s sad.

Everyone has been so good helping me work through it. No one knows in real life apart from DH so you have all been incredible! Probably more help than my therapist if I’m honest, most things she says you have said already! I’m better, I’m stronger. Please bare with me as I work through this. I couldn’t have done it without you all and that’s the truth!

She could be so nice though, but only when I towed the line.

Thats abuse. Thats what abusers do.

Thank you LilyMarshall that helps me to make peace with it.

This is never going to change. She is never going to change. The only peace you will get is away from her. You can't change who she is, but you can change your life so you are not her emotional punchbag anymore.

You're making progress though so try and focus on that. It'll take a while to really accept that she won't ever be the mother you want and deserve. It's painful accepting that, but actually once that painful bit is over things do get a lot better. So keep on, it's good you are feeling angry because it means you're no longer in denial about the situation.

You’re the scapegoat, you’re also enmeshed although I’m pleased to say much less enmeshed than you were. You’ll have good days and bad days so be kind to yourself.

My mother could be extremely generous but her generosity always had strings attached. Always.