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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationships in the workplace

22 replies

NC2031 · 26/05/2020 19:08

I've googled this many times and cannot seem to find a straight answer.

Me and my DP met at work. No one at work knows, to others we are really good friends who get on and have a laugh.
We can't approach the boss about it as there are only 5 of us working there and would be too obvious and I'm the only female.

My question is, how do workplaces deal with relationships? If our boss was to find out could he sack one or both of us?
We've not done a bad job keeping it to ourselves upto now but we're planning on moving together which means address change, surely it'll get picked up on. And we've spoke about getting married, again.. Name change. At work, its just work. We don't discuss anything about our personal lives, we don't act differently with eachother.

We both love the job we do. But I'm not sure how we can keep it quiet.

Has anyone else been in this position? How did you handle it?

OP posts:

happytoday73 · 26/05/2020 19:13

Bigger companies have policies. In my former company the more junior person was moved if within reporting structure or any potential issue.

In such a small company it will likely cause issues in the end... Best option in my opinion is for one of you to work elsewhere...

Lweji · 26/05/2020 19:14

I'm in a workplace relationship and it's nobody's business, although it's not a secret, but we don't do PDA at work.
There are other couples.

As for your work, it depends on your work regulations, surely. If it's not forbidden you shouldn't be sacked. Even if not forbidden, and you're moving in, then disclosure is probably best.
Be prepared for people to start asking one about the other's whereabouts all the time.

Original poster

NC2031 · 26/05/2020 19:22

We've been thinking to just so its out there to tell our boss its only a house share, splitting the bills down the middle and living as friends. We dont think they need to know about our relationship.

We cant even ask in a round about sort of way since I'm the only female it'll look way too obvious

OP posts:

BeingonFBdoesntmakeittrue · 26/05/2020 19:36

Different employers have different policies. Some have none!

Ughmaybenot · 26/05/2020 19:38

Don’t lie about it, you’ll look a right pair of planks.
It does depend on the sector probably, and the roles of each of you, but if it genuinely doesn’t affect your work and you act no differently around each other, then it’s probably fine. Different companies have different policies.
Do you not have any kind of staff handbook?

Aquamarine1029 · 26/05/2020 19:40

I would just continue to live your life as you are. If your boss asks about it after you move in together, you can disclose then. Just maintain your professionalism at work and don't worry about it.

Original poster

NC2031 · 26/05/2020 19:59

I've never been given a staff handbook but there probably is one somewhere. We should find out really but as I've said, we can't ask. I suppose I could email the powers that be at the head office and ask for a copy to be sent to me.

We both love our job and enjoy working there so if it was a choice to keep or relationship quiet or find a new job I'd pick the first one. Pretty sure my OH would too.

OP posts:

Ughmaybenot · 26/05/2020 20:00

I would do that, re emailing head office. They don’t know why you’d be asking for one anyway, there could be any number of reasons.

LordEmsworth · 26/05/2020 20:01

Really? There isn't a single answer because every company, and manager, is different; but I wouldn't be impressed if two of my employees moved in together and didn't tell me they were in a relationship. I mean, dating for a bit is one thing; being in a serious relationship with a colleague and not telling your boss or anyone you work with looks odd.

Larger workplaces have policies on office relationships because they have the potential to influence work and behaviour. I work for a very large company and there are loads of relationships, it's not an issue at all. However, sometimes there's potential for conflicting interests - so if someone applies for a job in the same team as their partner, they would need to speak to the manager about how they would manage the potential for conflict; or one partner couldn't be directly managed by their partner, for example.

Do you not get on with your boss or something? I can't imagine why you'd think, oh maybe we'll get married but not tell anyone we work with.

You'd be a lot better off womanning up and speaking to your boss and getting it out in the open - running and hiding and lying by omission won't do you any favours in the long run. And the longer it goes on, the harder it will be to admit! The fact that you're in a relationship and no-one has guessed will be in your favour; always better to admit something rather than be accused & have to confess!

Truthpact · 26/05/2020 20:03

Speak to your boss about it. It's a small team so they need to know.

I met my fiance at work but we were on different teams, not even the same room or floor. So it was fine, my bosses didn't need to know, although they did anyway.

Original poster

NC2031 · 26/05/2020 20:21

Its not that we don't get on with our boss, my OH has known him for 30+ years and he's said he can get a bit funny about these kinds of things. Whats the liklihood of one of us being told to find another job? Thats what we are trying to avoid. Why should we have to look for another job just because we fell in love?

OP posts:

HotDogGuy · 26/05/2020 20:21

If you lie about it and they find out and if it’s against company policy it could be a disciplinary.
Depending on the sector it is there business as it could increase the risk they are exposed to.
As an example 2 colleagues at work hid their relationship. They worked in the treasury department of a financial institution. This was against company policy - due to the nature of their roles they could have defrauded the company out of millions. They got into trouble

Original poster

NC2031 · 26/05/2020 20:28

Its an assembly warehouse, in all there's only 5 of us working there. Small place but part of a bigger company.
The boss knows how well we get on, he has mentioned a few times how we just bounce off eachother and has noticed how well we work together.
We have thought to leave it a bit then say actually we've been together a couple of years, in that time proving that we can keep our work and personal life separate. He might be a bit more accepting of it then.

OP posts:

Mumoftwo1973 · 26/05/2020 20:45

I would definitely recommend telling your boss. No good is going to come of keeping it a secret.

KylieKoKo · 26/05/2020 22:13

I bet they all suspect! Just change your address, as long as it doesn't effect your work then your boss shouldn't care unless they are one of those weird bosses who seek to control your personal life.

anditgoeson · 26/05/2020 22:52

Depends upon your policy. In Layman's terms generally speaking you cant date your manager or somebody senior within your department. I think you should let your line manager know.

anditgoeson · 26/05/2020 22:53

They probably already know!

PicsInRed · 27/05/2020 00:34

he has mentioned a few times how we just bounce off eachother and has noticed how well we work together.

😂 Mate they know

happytoday73 · 27/05/2020 15:43

Yes I agree, they know already🤣

thepeopleversuswork · 27/05/2020 15:55

Every workplace will have its own policies on this: some will ban it outright but the majority will have sensitive policies that tolerate it as long as it doesn't impact your respective performance at work. You should check your work handbook to be sure, but if there's no explicit rule I don't see the problem.

To be honest if you're an established couple (which you clearly are), its less of an issue and I don't understand why you'd hide it? I've been in a few on/off workplace things and it does make sense to keep that under wraps because it can be quite emotionally destabilising which will lead to questions.

If you're actually living together, or planning to, its sort of gone beyond that stage and you can't keep it quiet indefinitely.

If you're worried speak to your line manager but as long as you're both professional about it I don't see the issue.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/05/2020 15:56

And as others have said they almost certainly already know and will wonder why you're being so secretive about it. It will probably be a relief all round when its all out in the open.

Swimmingwiththebees · 27/05/2020 16:58

You mentioned you'd rather keep your relationship a secret than leave the job if it's banned? Are you really able and willing to do this forever as that would mean no living together, no marriage etc... It just doesn't sound realistic given the fact you're already considering these things.

I think you need to get hold of the policies for your workplace. If you're both the same level and their is no fraud/collusion risk, I can't really see it being banned but if it is banned and they found out, you'd be in much worse trouble than if you were honest.

I've been in this situation myself and if left to my own devices probably would have buried my head in the sand and done as you did. However my OH forced me to tell my boss and it was fine. It was probably easier than when all the rumours were flying around!

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