I wish I could make myself love him or have the guts to leave.

[BreathlessCommotion]

Short (ish) version is we've been married 12 years, have two dc (one has ASD). During dc diagnosis it became obvious to both of us that DH shared many of the same behaviours and traits, so he was assessed. He wasn't diagnosed because of lack of evidence from his childhood. His childhood was tough, with significant emotional neglect and abuse.

He has behaved towards me in ways that could be deemed emotional abuse- blaming me for everything (including PND), putting me down, saying really nasty things about me, my body, my sexual performance. He's controlled the finances, made it difficult for me to go out with friends (through emotional blackmail and sulking). I have done the greater share of childcare (including continuing night feeds with a broken leg as he refused). There was also sexual coercion.

Last year I told him it was over. I agreed to attend couples counselling and we did and things did improve. He now pulls his weight with housework, cooking and childcare. He has shown remorse for the things he said in the past. He's kind and considerate.

I still feel its over and told him so just before lockdown. Since then he's been doing everything "right", he wants us to keep trying. And the thing is, he's doing everything I wanted him to do. He's considerate, he's doing childcare, cooking. We do get on, I don't hate spending time with him, we watch TV together in the evening, do stuff as a family and it's nice.

But I don't want to kiss him, or have sex. But I wish I could sort my head out. For the sake of the kids and for us. Any separation will be hard financially and for dc (especially ASD one). And I feel bonkers for wanting to walk away from something that seems so good.

I know you can leave just because you want to. But it will effect the dc and I just don't know and its driving me mad. Its all I can think about. Its clear I'm unhappy, I'm depressed even. Maybe I'm just scared of leaving. Of being alone forever.

I know I sound ridiculous. Why can't I just get on with it?

If you're unhappy, it's not working. You can't make yourself want to kiss him, or want sex with him.
Good luck

Sometimes it's just gone too far, and it's too late. You can't make yourself want him, and for both of you, it would be better to call it a day. You being martyred to this relationship and depressed isn't going to create a great family background for your dc either.

I know. I think somehow I thought if I just thought about it more, waited longer it might resolve itself. And in all this I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to make it work.

I know exactly where you're coming from. Although my dh hasn't attempted to put anything right, emotional abuse chips away at any love you have, in the romantic sense.

I am finding the concept of letting go very difficult to deal with, even though I know, deep down that it is for the best.
Our lives sound very similar at the min, even down to the asd issue.
I hope everything works out for you xx

Could part of me because you feel he is making changes because he's been told to not because he wants to? How does he react after doing things? Is there moaning or sighing? Does he do anything extra, unprompted?

What does your gut tell you?

Sorry for all the questions but it was a lot of the things going through my head when I was thinking of leaving.

I mean, he has behaved for what? a year? After a decade of treating you badly.

I'm not surprised you avoid intimacy with him. You don't trust him. With good reason. What woman wants to be intimate with a man who has hurt her for many years, and only stopped hurting her when she finally got to the end of her rope?

My exdh was similar, he wanted to try again and completely changed his ways suddenly when I said it was over. My response was - so, you could have changed the whole time, you just chose to wait until I was completely broken?? How is that a sign that I should keep trying with you?

I don't blame you at all OP, I don't think you're unreasonable at all. Remember, you didn't do this, he did. He didn't need to abuse you. He's proven that by stopping. He was choosing to be awful to you and then he chose not to... hardly the basis for a grand love story is it

The issue is now OP, he CAN be nice but he spent 10 years abusing you. This just proves he CHOSE to do that to you.
I think you realise this and resent him.
Too right as well.
It's like death by a 1000 paper cuts.
You lost your love and respect for him. HE did that!
You can't make yourself love someone who chose to abuse you for 10 years.
The damage was done many years ago.

I don't understand why you're holding onto the 'it seems so good' thing. It doesn't. You're trying to make yourself want someone who has been abusive towards you, and is now following your instructions on how to behave so that you are manipulated into staying.

It's not your fault that it's not working. In fact, you are trying so hard that you're emotionally exhausting yourself. But it's like trying to start a car when the engine's been taken out. Abuse destroys any hope of further intimacy. The fact that you can't make it work is a good thing; it proves that your self defense mechanisms are well set, and won't let someone who damaged you get close again.

Accept that it won't work, because he abused you. Be proud of your acceptance. Stand strong, with 'You abused me. There is NO WAY you are getting near me again.' Make your plans, and leave. You will feel stronger, and, I bet you find that after you've left (or even made the decision to), you'll suddenly feel that you don't need to 'sort your head out' anymore. There's nothing wrong with your head.

Can you stay together without the physical side? That would be my instinct due to how disruptive it would be for your children. Like two cohabitating co parents.

And in all this I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to make it work.

You tried to make it work for over a decade! Jesus, give yourself a break here.

You were emotionally abused and maltreated for years. And you then discover, when you're at the point of ending things, he can pull it out of the bag and be a decent partner if he's desperate enough to try to keep you.

But that means he could have been doing better for all those years you were crying out for his help and affection etc. He chose to be a controlling, abusive fuckwit for years and chipped away all the love you had.

I'd be furious with him, tbh. Not yourself.

The phrase 'too little, too late' seems apposite here.

It's sometimes worse when they show that they really did know what they were supposed to have been doing (and can do so when threatened with a change in the status quo), but didn't do it for all those years.

I know exactly how you feel. I gave my dh an ultimatum last year and it seems to be the kick up the arse he needed. He's been nicer, does more around the house and practically everything I asked (although he refuses to get up when dd does in the morning because it's "too early"!). But, I still feel like I've reached the final straw, I don't want to have sex, some days I don't even want to look at him. On days when he's a bit more tired or got a headache or something the 'old' (real) him comes out and although I now call him out on it immediately, I realise a post I just read on another thread fits mine and your situation:

"He doesn't meet your needs by being his authentic self. The two of you have different standards. If he changes, it'll be because he's living up to your standards rather than his own. Resentment will come, or he'll revert to type. Either way, it won't work."

I don't want to leave because I had an horrendous step mother and I'm terrified of leaving my dd open to that possibility. I just make the most of the good times and am looking forward to the end of lockdown when dh goes back to work and I can do things just with dd. One day I think she'll ask me why we didn't divorce sooner but at the moment we can mostly make family life work.

You all talk sense. If it wasn't for lockdown I'd be out of here by now. Doesn't help that there are hardly any places to rent around us at the moment.

He wouldn't leave, I'm sure of it. Urgh. Need to have the chat again.

Just to say I seperated from My dh last summer and I had all the worries you do.
I've never been happier and more free than I feel right now even in lockdown, just me and 3 kids!!
Things have a way of working themselves out but you can't force love or feelings if they are not there!! Funnily enough my dh is trying so hard now to be sweet, helpful etc but it's all too little too late, I stopped loving him years ago!