How to love yourself?

[LycraLovingLass]

I have major issues with my self esteem, it makes me insecure and jealous and causes major problems in relationships.

I had a huge overbite growing up and I thought having that fixed would solve my problems. It didn't.

I thought losing weight would solve my problems. It didn't.

I can see that I am attractive, I have people telling me all the time but I still don't have any self esteem or self worth.

I am respected in work and good at my job but literally my value in myself is tied up in mens opinions of me.

I was abused as a teenager and raped and of course I am aure that has had a huge effect, additionally I have been in several abusive relationships.

How do I work on myself and fix all of this? I have even done the freedom program online and I can now apot abusive men much better and get out of situations but I still end up attracting them.

I always struggled to follow the advice to “love yourself”, but realised it’s because it’s so abstract/vague. What did work better was being kind to myself (both in thought and action) as that is more practical. In time the act of being kind translates into self-love. So not only practicing self care but also not harshly judging myself for past mistakes, making allowances for mishaps, not being horrible to myself about how I look etc etc. Its not that it’s always easy to do that but at least it’s something more specific to work towards. Also, and apologies if this is flippant (it’s often suggested as a cure all panacea and it isn’t) but I found yoga really helped with how I view my own body. In particular yoga with Adrienne online videos...

I was abused as a teenager and raped

I'm so very sorry, and I can relate. I found https://outofthefog.website helpful in defining boundaries - although some years on there are days of utter despair, hate even towards myself.

I highly recommend the book self-compassion by Kirsten Neff. As the previous poster said, it's about being kinder to yourself rather than loving yourself per se. So sorry to hear about your terrible experiences. I havent experienced anything anywhere near as bad but I was in an abusive relationship and have been the same way ever since. It helps to remember that it's understandable why you feel the way you do, then give yourself self-compassion for that pain. Wishing you the best; I do recommend that book

I was abused as a teenager and raped and of course I am aure that has had a huge effect, additionally I have been in several abusive relationships.

Same here regarding teenage abuse & then rape.
Being aware that this is impacting your relationships with men is not enough. You need proper therapy. Don't be me and leave it for 25 years. I'm addressing my past now and it's painful but liberating. You need therapy with someone who understands the way abuse in teenage years really pollutes later life. I thought I'd moved on, put a lid on it. Wrong. I needed serious help address self esteem and identity issues stemming from that time. None of my choices in life were a coincidence. It was good to realise that.

thank you all for thw advice it took a lot to post.

@Songsofexperience how did you access counselling. My abuser is dead now so no need yo report it but I really feel like my whole life is being ruined by this.

You poor thing. I am sorry you have endured so much. There is so much trauma to be processed and you do need professional help with this - otherwise you will just carry these deep painful wounds with you for ever and they will continue to blight and colour your life.

Love is kindness and respect. Show your body, your feelings and your thoughts kindness and respect. Don’t minimise your feelings - they are valid and are telling your something important. Don’t judge yourself harshly. Interrupt any negative thoughts and question would I say that to a friend - be your own best friend. Indulge yourself.

This is self compassion from which self love (kindness and respect) follows and self esteem is the out put. It all starts within.

Neff is the global expert on self compassion

• here is her website:

self-compassion.org/

I self-referred to our local nhs well being service. In my case there's been an accumulation of things recently (marriage breakdown + redundancy + a fresh reminder of what happened to me in my teens). Many people are facing multiple challenges right now. That's why the NHS is advertising those services right now.
As for reporting the abuse or not... precisely the fact that your abuser is dead means you can't confront him directly should you feel the need to, so you have to seek some other form of closure. All the more important for you to have therapy.

for you OP
You really are not alone. Stay strong.

You can also look at private therapy via:

www.psychotherapy.org.uk/

Or via specific sexual abuse charities.

It’s important to deal directly and professionally with the root cause once and for all.

I really think therapy is something I could do with exploring. I just feel silly, it was so long ago but I find myself thinking of it and realising it is the reason other things happened and I think it need unpicking. I will look at self referral thank you.

I will also browse the website.

Thank you all x

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/

This is the NHS self referral link.

Thank you - I will fill it out, I feel really nervous at the thought of finally facing it all.

@LycraLovingLass - try some self counselling if you can't face talking to someone. The CBT Practitioners course by Kain Ramsay on Udemy is excellent and is not just for people who want to work in the field.

It’s normal to be nervous but you would be cared for very gently. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was - all that means is that there has been more time for more things to go wrong having been affected by it.

I am sure that lockdown has bubbled up lots of issues for many people that they have been repressing for decades. You have taken and important first step to working through and resolving this. That’s a start at loving yourself.