Re-training after Domestic Abuse and whether I could use my experience to help others?

[Fightingback16]

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and looking at my life.

Before I met my husband and entered what has been 13 years of domestic abuse which accumulated in mental death and breakdown and PTSD I was a textile designer. I got my masters a few months before meeting him. My Imagination and therefore my career disappeared the longer I was with him. I guess imagination is not needed when in survival mode. It was 8 years before I picked up my pen to draw, that was a couple of months ago. I didn’t feel the same feelings as I used to about drawing. I’m a completely different person now and it felt insignificant.

Instead of getting upset at yet another thing I’ve lost because of him I wanted to use it as something positive. I’m getting a little bored of myself and my personal worries all the time. I’m so much stronger then when I met him. I was a lost little lamb with him. On paper intelligent but emotionally very immature.

I’ve feel so incredibly indebted to people who have helped me. Especially my IDVA, I’m just a complete stranger to her but she helped me. I feel the need to put my experience into some use, something positive. Drawing is not enough for me now. A kind of revenge but not a unhelpful revenge. There are not enough people out there who help others. If I didn’t have the support I had I would not be here.

I have been thinking of the reasons I got into that abusive relationship. My mum was very emotionally unavailable and I believe this created my immaturity. My mums father was abusive so created her emotional emptiness. It stems from when you are little. I want to re-train into something in this field. Maybe social services or something. I feel I have experience that could be useful.

I’m 37 tho and not sure if it too late or not a good idea. Has anyone ever done this? Do you think I could have a positive impact?

Can those who haven’t experienced emotional and mental abuse really understand it?

My psychologist hadn't experienced abuse. She couldn't understand what it is like to be me or to have lived my life - nobody outside ourselves really can - but she could understand what I described to her when we talked, she could listen and reflect, she could empathise and be compassionate, she could sit with me during moments of distress, and she could bring her knowledge and understanding from her training into our discussions to help me make better sense of what was going on for me and take control of my healing.

I did feel understood by her, and I was helped by her, but I don't expect she could understand or know how it feels to be me. That doesn't really matter, though. I didn't need her to.

Incidentally, I do wonder if your feelings about art at the moment are because you are still quite traumatised (and in survival mode if you have court cases pending?). The parts of the brain active when there is a threat in the environment / PTSD is triggered are not really compatible with imagination and creativity.

I was reading your op half expecting you to start talking about a desire to use your art to connect with and provide support/inspiration to other survivors.

Telling your story - even if only to yourself - can be meaningful (and help in healing). It also has the potential to help others. Those struggling to leave an abuser looking for a glimmer of hope, those who have recently left and are trying to survey the devastation, those exhausted from picking up the pieces... It would be a way to reach them.

I felt supported because someone listened to me and validated me

I am really glad you had that and it has made such a difference to you - they are such powerful things to experience after trauma.

I am not saying you could never and should never help anyone else. I think you could at the right time and in the right way. Just be cautious. That's all.

I do really understand what your saying. I’ll just leave it as a possibility and carry on with all the other stuff.
Tbh my choice of study has never been enough for me so it needs thinking about.

You are probably right about being in the wrong mental state to think about drawing. Maybe there will be a way for me to integrate all parts of myself and my experiences.

I always used to want to own and b&b.

Sorry I wasn’t talking about being a counsellor or psychologist, I meant social worker etc.

It's not that it is a bad idea and you shouldn't do it. It's just about making sure you are in the right place - for you as much as anyone. While you are right that experiencing abuse yourself gives you an insight into how it feels, it can be very distressing to 'go there' with people when you have your own traumas. More than you might think.

I think you are right to just keep going with your life and to keep it as an option, you don't have to make a decision right now. See how you feel in a few months! I do think it's lovely you want to help others.

I think what I’ve discovered is the importance of mental health. The important role is has with physical health and how if I’d been more aware I could have been in a better position. I was ashamed of my mental health so kept quiet.

Hello @Fightingback16 - I've come across this post as am reconsidering retraining into IDVA/WA, partly due to abusive dad. I relate to our opening post, and wanting to contribute to good and help women in that position. If you don't mind saying, how are you getting on and did you pursue this?