Do we give up on family now?

[Missfelipe]

Long ish one...I have always found my parents difficult to get along with. They are very self-absorbed, like everything on their terms and generally disinterested in me unless it gets them attention. I have a high profile job that I worked my arse off to get and while they are quite happy to show off about it they honestly couldn’t tell anyone anything meaningful about me if they tried. In the last 12 months they have shown their true colours even more. There was a situation with my brother where he was very much in the wrong but despite the upset it caused me and my other sibling we weren’t allowed to be cross about it. He is very much the golden child despite showing no interest in my parents and virtually ignoring them most of the time. He can do no wrong.

Since the start of lockdown my parents have become grandparents for the first time with my nephew. For context, we probably won’t have children of our own and honestly they see that as the marker of success in life. I feel even more like we (my partner and I) don’t exist or matter to them. I realise they are excited about this but when I called at the weekend they couldn’t get me off the phone fast enough.

Pre-lockdown I now realise that we were the ones always making the effort. We live several hours away but it was always us doing the travel to visit and no one came to us. My siblings also live far away from them but still we were the ones visiting the most. They are physically well and have the means and time to travel so no excuse. We stopped calling my parents as an experiment and simply didn’t hear from them which was very telling.

Now in lockdown we are re-evaluating our relationships and our lives. We may end up working from home permanently and so aren’t now tied to the city where we are employed (we previously talked about how we might need to move further away to get our dream home). I honestly feel like if we pack up and create a new home for ourselves, even further away than we are now, that we move on from them and tell them nothing (parents/brother)...I guess the current situation has really shone a light on things and this makes me very sad.

It's the very mirror of dh and his family. We gave up years ago with them tbh, his mother especially is, by her own admission, only interested in him when he's in his uniform and "she can stand neednto him and everyone is looking at HER". Word for word.

They don't care. They never visit. None of his family do. We offered to pay their fuel (we can't visit them as They Are hoarders and no room in their massive house as every inch is either junk they've bought or his mum's wine fermenting glass cask things). It's so much more freeing since we gave up.

*next to him

It was when we DID have a dc my ils backed away! We moved house - from 10 minutes away to an hour. Never heard from them in over 5 years!. Absolutely no regrets.
And remember op, when they need their arses wiped your db has the Golden Flannel...

@windyatthebeach that’s very true...we live the second closest but with baby nephew on the scene my other brother has his hands full and not as clearly in a position so as cruel as it sounds I worry it would fall to us to help out and I would resent every minute of it. They like to manipulate and control by using illness/money for example (not that they have money or at deaths door but my mother has more than a touch of the Hyacinth Bucket about her).

I think part of me realises what is happening and perhaps is grieving for what we haven’t had from them.

Its not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way.

Your last sentence here in realising what is happening is on the money. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

No law says you have to do anything for them.
No dangling of £££ will have me or dh being there in dotage for any of our dps..
Not my responsibility..

I was going to start a thread about this today, so sorry you are going through this.
This awful situation really highlights the feeling of being irrelevant.
I would live to know the answer too. Normally I am very forgiving, or let it go but when you feel it is really obvious what happens then?
Its my DH family that are the problem. We live quite far but ordinarily make the most effort.
But I am fed up with feeling like the outsider.
They have zero interest in us unless it to make fun of us/ put us down.
We are outdoors type and enjoy a simple life.
Unless it about their interests ( spending money/ talking about themselves, what they have bought/ how fab they are) we dont matter.
During weekly group call, we are talked over ignored or poked fun at)
I have been increasingly quiet as whats the point? Unless you continually flatter their egos/ ask them questions you may aswell be a cardboard cut out making up numbers.
The crux came when my DH told one of them I bern very ill, A&E said it likely post viral Covid. The relative changed the subject about car MOT drama...
Its really hard but I have concluded that they are very different to us. Try as I might I cant get excited about personal numberplates, love island or whatever their latest interest is. Just as my life or interests sparks zero interest in them.
But I will be backing off now. I didnt marry them, and refuse to bust a kidney massaging their hugely self absorbed lives.
After this all ends I will be actively looking to expand my circle with like minded people so I dont feel so irrelevant.
But it does hurt when you feel so ignored.
You have tried stepping back like I have but they have not made an effort.
I like you am very sad but only want to spend my time on people who are genuinely interested in all aspects of our lives.
So let it go, be civil and honour essential contact, and if that too fades might be best to accept you very different to them and limited contact best