Mum Never Wants Me To Move Out (with emotional blackmail/suicide threat)

[AddictedToAvocados]

So, to give a quick background, I’m 26 and expecting my first child in August. My fiancé who I’ve been with for 8 years lives under my parents roof with me for the time being due to separate circumstances. My mum (who is actually my grandmother, but took me on as my mum due to her daughter abandoning me) is in her 70s.

The house we live in is small - it’s a 2 bed terraced house and we’re struggling for space as it is. I hate the area we live in, and quite frankly do not want my son raised here. I pay partially for the rent/food, as does my fiancé. My mum is doing everything she can to guilt trip me into staying with them indefinitely. She will literally blank me if I mention moving out and will sulk for days on end, telling me I should be looking after her and dad as she has done everything for me. Admittedly she does help me out a lot, prepares dinner (though I do try to do my own a lot of the time), helps clean (especially now I’m 30 weeks pregnant) and helps me out with a few small financial things every now and then.

My fiancé loves my parents, but my mum’s constant up and down moods get on his nerves. Everything my mum says has to be correct, and if I disagree with anything, she will become defensive. Honestly, I would not be pregnant now if it were up to her and she keeps telling me to have just one child as they will take up my life. She had the greatest meltdown of all time when I announced my pregnancy because she was convinced my life was ruined.

Two days ago we had an argument over something small, and she hinted that she doesn’t want to be here anymore and she doesn’t want to live. I’m having suicide threats held over me and I feel like with being 30 weeks pregnant and in this tiny house, I can’t breathe and I don’t know what to do. She refuses to go to counselling or take medication.

She has a lot of redeeming qualities and she is lovely 95% of the time, but there’s always that threat of sulking/tantrums/blame held over my head and I feel like I owe her a lot for what she’s done for me. Does anyone have any insight?

Move out as soon as you can or you risk damaging your relationship with your fiancé and having her try and take over with your child. She's not going to change.

As your mum she should have your best interest above her own. She is wrong to try and stop you spreading your wings and leaving home. 100% wrong. You are a 26 year old and about to be a mother it is natural you are at a stage in your life where you want your own space and own home for your little family. Be strong and assertive and move out. You cant control her behaviour you can control how you respond to it.
I assume it comes from a place of her feeling vulnerable and worried about not having u at home anymore rather than she just feels like being awkward but even so she should be able to see past that and be happy for you. Move out and dont feel any guilt doing so.

Plan to move out as soon as you can.

Her threats of suicide are abusive.

Tell her you will ring her doctor the next time she threatens it.

She is hugely controlling and her behaviour will spoil your future.

Don't discuss it with her.

Make plans with your partner and move out.

Good luck.

I suspect that saying the pregnancy is ruining your life is perhaps a bit of projection? Both she and her daughter got pregnant in presumably their early twenties, and it sounds like it wasn't all flowers and rainbows for either of them. (One ended up abandoning family, the other rents a smallish house in a less-desirable area.)

Do you know what her relationship with her daughter was like before you were born? It's possible that she - maybe subconsciously - has seen you as a chance to redeem her parenting.

When partners/ex-partners threaten suicide it's usually seen as a form of control that is rarely carried out.

You can still "look after" them from a distance.

You don't owe them any more than anyone owes their parents.

I would strongly suggest that you don't use her for any form of childcare.

Don't discuss moving out with her. Organise somewhere to live, and let her know when it's done. Presumably they will be able to afford the rent without you?

Move out asap
How she deals with that is up to her

We should NEVER feel beholden to our parents/grandparents for the fact they looked after us as children.

Move. Even if it's only to a studio flat, you'll have more space mentally than you do now, and you'll be all the happier for it. Don't wait around looking for perfection, you want to be out and your mum's inevitable tantrum to be over asap - preferably before your baby is born. I know that's not long so prioritise flat hunting.

Move out asap. Do it without warning. Get your place and tell her on the day you move out. You don't need to see the tantrums and suffer the manipulation.

Move out. Controlling behaviour will get worse, not better, and is this the environment you want for your child?

Find yourselves a little place and secure it and move out.
Don't mention moving out until the day you do it. You'll have already paid and signed the lease so she can't talk you out of it.

If she threatens to kill herself, call the authorities. I imagine she won't do it anymore after you do that.

Move out. Sulking and ignoring you is a form of control and it’s emotional abuse.

I do agree that she is projecting her own failures, both in what she feels happened to her life after having a child at a similar age and the fact she has now brought up two children to effectively do the same thing which she possible deems as something she regrets.

100% move out ASAP ,
what a controlling , stressful, toxic place to be whilst pregnant .

Good luck

You are getting some great advice here op,
A childhood male friend hot into a relationship with a lady who's mother is like this.
When his partner was 38 weeks pregnant her mum told her to sack him off, he's just a sperm donor etc.
She refused at first but it all got incredibly toxic, even though they were still a couple he was not allowed in the mothers house to see his own child. They eventually ended up breaking up because of the stress it caused - what is so sad now is that his ex partner has started already (child is now 12) saying things to the child like "you won't ever move out and leave me all alone will you?"
She wasn't like this years ago, she used to stand up to her mum but not enough and now years later it is all such a mess!
Get out now, have the privacy you deserve as a new family with your fiance and new baby. It does not mean you are abandoning her, you can still visit and help out

How very hard for you OP

I agree to move out , but get very clear and scripted on why this the right and reasonable thing to do
Repeat it as a mantra so when she kicks off
(And she will ) you can handle it with some stock phrases

Be ready for the worst in terms of recriminations , and hopefully won’t be as bad .....

Very hard one so don’t blame yourself if you struggle immensely

You need to move out. If possible do so before the baby is born. Otherwise she'll control that as well.

She sounds completely suffocating. And I suspect the suicide threats are because she senses you getting frustrated and wanting to leave. It's incredibly manipulative.

You wont physically have room where you are now!
Move out asap, far less stressful to do it now than with a tiny baby. Think how lovely itll be to have it just how you like.
While she has done a lot for you it doesn't give her the right to control your life. You need to get out for everyone's sake.

The only way to salvage or create a hopefully healthy relationship with your mother is to move out.
At the moment you are being held hostage to her emotions which is extremely dysfunctional.
You deserve to create a family life of your own spread your wings and live a separate independent life.
You can feel sorry for your mother but you cannot continue to put your life on hold.

Her MH is hers to solve, you can advise her to seek help to manage those feelings but you will be moving on and out with your life. If she refuses counselling etc you should still continue with your plans to move out.

I'm adding my voice to all the Posters who commented above. Speak to your fiancé about moving out ASAP. Make your arrangements as quickly and as discreetly as possible do you can hopefully be in your own home (doesn't have to be a "perfect" or "forever" home - just somewhere suitable that you can both afford for now).

I'm unsure of your financial circumstances (ie does your fiancé have a job? Will you get maternity pay?) Talk to each other about that and also see what benefits you might be eligible for www.entitledto.co.uk or speak to Citizens Advice.

Good luck and best wishes OP. 🌷

Yep...definitely move out. There isn't enough space and as a family unit of your own, you will want to live on your own place, with enough space for your baby.

You'll need to childproof the place and that's best done in your own house.

Save to move out...secure a place and go. You're not asking permission and it's not up for discussion. Just do it.

Please please move out before you have your baby.

She will RUIN the first weeks - this is all about control, so it will likely continue into her reaction to you actually having the baby and becoming a mum - she will want to have that happen on her terms, she will want to minimise your role and keep you 'the child', she will want to take over, tell you you can't cope, want to be the 'main person.'

Move out she will get on with it. She's just use to getting her own way. S

She is being very manipulative. You need to move out. Tell her if she starts on about suicide again you'll report to the police - as pp says this alone is abusive.

Something stood out to me, she helps you out a lot even though you try to do things yourself - does she muscle in on what you're doing and try to take over? If yes this will get worse, you will not be allowed to find your feet and carve YOUR OWN path. It will become very suffocating.

What does your dad say when she starts on like this? Can you involve him more and tell him about the hints of suicide?

If you're in a position to move then rent somewhere as soon as possible. You don't need her permission. Do you and your partner work?

Thanks all for replying. I read through every single post nodding in agreement!

Myself and my fiancé both have jobs, and as for my dad, well... he was there when she threatened it and they had an argument over it because he was annoyed she said something like that while I was pregnant (he's in full support of my pregnancy and just wants me to be happy I believe), but unfortunately he's been under her thumb for too long and fears speaking out too much. He will take her side much of the time just to keep the peace and told me "everyone says things they regret" after she worked on him with her silent treatments but he gets annoyed with her up and down moods all the time as well. I think he has resigned to it now.

She's now telling me she's feeling "ill" because I dared to stick up for my fiancé about an argument they had (she was being very bitchy to him so he snapped at her and told her to be quiet and stop being selfish for once as she was stressing me out and I'm already stressing much of the time with added pregnancy on top).

They would struggle more without our rent help, I won't lie. That's partially why I feel increased guilt. I feel like leaving them with less money will increase any stress.

All in all it's a very toxic house at the moment. We will try to arrange something to move out ASAP but I just can't shake the feeling that I'm abandoning her. I know it's illogical to feel this way, but she is agoraphobic and housebound and I feel like I'm leaving her to be lonely without me. Idk if this is due to years of her codependency and guilt trips or what. We just need to move as it's not possible to stay.

They would struggle more without our rent help, I won't lie. That's partially why I feel increased guilt. I feel like leaving them with less money will increase any stress.

I mean this nicely, but that is their problem not yours. If they cannot afford the rent then they need to find somewhere cheaper. It's completely unfair of them to expect you to keep your life on hold so that they can carry on living in the same house.

I just can't shake the feeling that I'm abandoning her. I know it's illogical to feel this way, but she is agoraphobic and housebound and I feel like I'm leaving her to be lonely without me.

You aren't abandoning her - you are moving on to the next phase of your life. Which is a perfectly normal and natural thing to do. She's not still living at home with her parents, is she? So at some point she decided to leave home and have her own life - why was that OK for her and not for you? It's really unhealthy and controlling of her to make you responsible for her mental health conditions. If she is agoraphobic then she needs medical help - the answer is not to bury you alive at home and have hysterics every time you want to start and independent life.

Idk if this is due to years of her codependency and guilt trips or what.

That's exactly what it is - and well done for recognising it. It won't be easy - she'll try every trick in the book to stop you from going. She'll be pretend to be ill, she'll cry, she'll emotionally blackmail you. But you have to go. My advice would be to keep it quiet until the last possible moment. Find a place, get the paperwork signed and a date for moving in, and then I would tell her at the last possible moment. Incidentally moving house is allowed now.

Oh and if she makes any veiled suicide threats then call them out. Be blunt: Mum it sounds like you are threatening to kill yourself. That's not a normal reaction to me wanting to move out. If you are feeling suicidal then I will call an ambulance.

You won't need to call them - just the threat of you doing so will be enough. When she realises that this won't work as a manipulation tactic then she'll stop doing it.