Warning - this is long!
A bit of background info: I moved from my home country a year ago, with my children, to live with my partner. We have been together for coming up four years.
We have been happy, mostly, and I was always sure he was the one, or I wouldn't have moved. But the past months, he's had some issues with anger - shouting at me, throwing things and slamming doors. I don't do this back; I tend to burst into tears when someone raises their voice at me. Arguments mostly over housework or other women - he hasn't cheated or anything though. Mostly it's been same old same old, but it seems like the angry outburst have been becoming more frequent and it's been worrying me a bit.
Three weeks ago, my father died. It has been torture. Because of covid 19, I wasn't able to go home and be with him when he died, and I haven't been able to spend time with my mum and sister or help with anything. I missed the cremation ceremony. Two days after his death, and after a particularly bad day which I had gotten through with some nerve meds and a cigarette (I dont usually smoke), my partner came home from work. My kids were hyper and so I decided to leave bedtimes a bit later and get some washing up done. This sent him into a rage though, as he didn't think I should be doing it (because of a sore back), and he accused me of having sky high unrealistic standards for house keeping. Every dish was dirty, by the way. He shouted and me and started throwing dishes into the sink and aggressively washing up while muttering angrily about not wanting to do an hour of dishes after a long shift. I took myself to the bathroom and cried - picked myself up, did bedtimes and after that listened to him shout at me about how me "going through this" didn't give me a right to annoy him, shouting at me to leave him alone and go away, while I literally just stood there and openly sobbed. I just couldn't deal with him being cruel on top of what I was already feeling. Overload.
We went back to normal after that, but two weeks later, I got a message from Instagram informing me he'd made an account. My partner does not have social media. I clicked the link and found it empty except for following one person, a drag queen from a different country. He lied about it at first but then said he'd seen a picture of this person online and thought they were hot and told me to think of it as porn. I was really upset by this and we had a huge argument. It wasn't a famous person by the way, a private person with their own selfies. He insists he found it via a google search but I've struggled to believe him as the person isn't known and doesn't come up if you google them.
We had a huge argument and he said he just has a thirst to look at other people and eventually admitted he's "a bit bi". Only just admitting it to himself, he says.
We went on to have lots of talks about our relationship, with him actually crying at some of the things he used to do or say at the start of our relationship, begging me to give him another chance. It also came out, in a discussion about his anger, that he has a bit of a "bully mentality" towards me. He says it's "easy to be mean to someone kind and tender because they won't fight back".
He now insists he's found the light and is awakened from a depressive slumber. Sees everything clearly, knows for sure all he wants is me and I'm the love of his life: he's suddenly helping with housework and kids, saying nice and romantic things, suddenly wants marriage and kids of his own with me (things I want but he always was adamant he did not!).
He is happy as can be as feels reborn and full of lust for life. I feel completely betrayed. I've taken to doing my grieving in the shower as I don't feel comfortable being vulnerable with him anymore. I feel like I'm just counting the days until I can go home to my family and clear my head. I can't stop thinking about the things he's said to me.
I want to know what you would do - would you understand? Be okay with it? Forgive? Believe in change? Is my judgement clouded by grief? Or insecurity, as he'd have me believe? I feel so confused at this point. Obviously this is a "brief recap" as discussions have gone on and on. I just don't feel any better after any of our "clarifying" talks!