Ending a marriage

[Myusernam]

Can anyone help please?

I am 30 years old and have been with my husband since I was 16. We have 2 kids, a house and I thought a good relationship but he has constantly lied to me and I have just found out he has thousands of pounds worth of debt I didnt know about. This has been the straw that has broke the camels back.
I stopped working after having my 5 year old so I am concerned how I will manage on my own. I can go back to work but I also have a 2 year old and with the current climate I'm not entirely sure how I could juggle childcare etc?
Can anyone help? I am really scared. I dont know what to do, I have no mum. And I dont have any friends that been through this.

Sorry you're going through this

On a practical level, you would be able to apply for UC straight away and you can recover 85% (I think) of your childcare costs back which would allow you to work. On UC you're probably entitled to 15 hours free funding for your 2yo anyway.

I think your only struggle will be housing yourself. I'm not sure if you'd be making yourself intentionally homeless by leaving your husband. Do you have family you can move in with for now? Overcrowding has a better chance of being housed I believe.

I had to private rent as I couldn't find any local agency landlords that would accept UC, stupidly. It's guaranteed money but they don't seem to like it for some reason.

Hope you're okay op, it's a hard situation to be in

Sounds stressful. Maybe make two lists - a risk benefit analysis for both options (divorce vs staying together)? Also, it's important to consider (1) the impact of both on the children's physical and emotional well-being, (2) how you would feel to give up your children half the time after custody is arranged. You may want to come up with both a short term plan and a long term plan. Just because you may want a divorce in the future doesn't mean it has to be now. It's likely that you would be placed in a hostel or bed n breakfast as the euphemism goes which is much worse than your current home. The kids would likely live with you in the hostel to start but a lawyer would draw up an agreement for custody. Universal credit is there I'd you need it but it's been notoriously unreliable! How would it feel to spend half your nights in a hostel in your own while your kids stayed with your (ex) husband? You may not trust him but I wonder if he lies to cover up his failures? And if you don't trust him is it opening a can of worms to have your kids under his sole supervision half the time? All you can do is try talking it through with him and being practical for your kids sake. Also considering if there are positives to him as a person and for your relationship in all of this. Not easy. Good luck x

Thank you Teddybeans. I will stay in our house until we have somewhere else to go. So does UC pay rent for you? Is it up to a certain amount?

Get proper legal advice. Most firms offer a 30 minute divorce appointment for no charge and that mighy be long enough to at least tell you what information you need to get from your joint finances. They do telephone appointments at the moment too.

There's a housing element based on what the council charges for bedrooms in your area. I get £684 (I think) for a 2 bed so you'd get as much as whatever number of bedrooms you'd need (2 bed if your children can share a room for the foreseeable). The UC calculators break it down really well. I used entitled to when I had to apply for mine

Sorry I missed your helpful message chatwithme.
I have been on the phone to friends and family all night 😭
I have a place to stay when I need it which is such a relief!
I do trust him with the kids. He is a really good dad.
What if I do stay with him and he runs up more debts? Then I could be left with nothing. There is equity in the house just now, maybe not years down the line if he runs up more secret debts.
It's just so scary. And it's my first ever break up. We have been together almost 15 years and I honestly believed it would be forever.
I am devastated for our kids. I wanted them to grow up with both parents in the same home 😪

See a solicitor if you can for advice about his debt.
Also get a credit check to make sure there is no debt been put in your name.
Leave if you can,it is much easier to think clearly when you're away and come to terms with someone who has been with you all your adult life would treat you like this.It will be hard to start with but life will be so much better and you will be surprised at how strong you can be.

If you want to go please make it happen. It's his behaviour that's dictated your feelings and decision so stop feeling bad about that.
Echo PP, you need to get legal advice and check he hasn't put any debt in your name.
You will never be able to trust him again so why put it off. Might actually be better to go while kids are younger, less likely to remember things than if they were older.

I see your point Myusernam. I wonder is it possible to divorce but stay living together until the house is sold so you can have your money upon departure and let the kids come to terms with the idea of two homes before the time comes. Sounds stressful. At least you're confident he is a good dad. That's reassuring x

If you do decide to stay make sure the house is registered as tenants in common, not joint tenants, as debtors May be able to force the sale of the house, but can't if you own half as a separate entity. I think that's correct but do check with a solicitor if you decide to stay. You need to protect any assets ASAP.

Thank you all for the really useful information. I think I'm going to process it until the end of the week. Thankfully he works away Sunday to friday so I dont have to see him. He is begging for forgiveness and for me to take control of the finances. But do I really want to babysit accountants because my husband is a selfish arsehole.