Not sure if it's just bad anxiety, or if I need to leave him

[YellowEllis]

I've been with my fiancé for five years, we live together in a rented house and we have a one year old. We met through mutual friends, and have always got on well. He is 15 years older than me, which I struggled with at first, but decided to throw caution to the wind and go for it. Since then everything went from strength to strength.

We moved away together when I got a good job opportunity, got our house, got engaged and had a baby. It's been a good five years, he's a great partner, dad and friend, when I can turn my brain off, everything is fine.

The problem is my head, he's unaware of any of it. For a few reasons, firstly I find myself reminiscing daily about ex partners, not still having feelings for them, but wondering what my life would look like had I stayed with them. All my exes were my own age give or take 3 years. I guess I wonder if I'd be enjoying my youth more. I get this almost sinking feeling in my gut, like I made the wrong choice.

I am struggling to start wedding planning, and I don't know if whether this is because I'm daunted by it being so much to plan, or because deep down I don't want it? I was so happy and excited when he proposed, but I just feel uncertain. Quite often I worry about the future, and whether I'll still be happy with him, and a few times I've sort of reassured myself by saying if it really did go wrong, I can leave, you can still divorce, I don't need to panic.

I know you shouldn't be thinking about divorce before you're even married. Sometimes I tell myself that's enough to walk away, but then I also feel my anxiety about the age gap is worse than the reality. I'm so anxious what people might think, I try and hide his age from people. Yet everyone who does know (all our family and closest friends) don't give a toss. I'm so anxious that one day he'll suddenly seem to old for me, or I'll change too much and not want him anymore and be trapped. None of these situations are about my feelings towards him. They may never happen, and if they did, I could leave. That's not wrong.

It's getting to the point I'm getting so consumed, I need to fully commit to what I said five years ago, that I don't care about the age gap, I care about him and our family and I'm going to stop stressing, or I need to leave.

This is long and rambling, I will add since lockdown these feelings have amplified extremely. We are actually getting on really well in lockdown which makes it harder. How can I be questioning whether to leave when we are in daily life, pretty happy? I'm just confused and I feel like it's the weight of the world on my shoulders

That’s a really tough one. How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? Are your friends in similar positions eg marriage and kids? Just wondering if your noticing the age thing because of that in which case I’m sure they will catch up in which case you won’t feel like you’re missing out so much.

Is there anything in particular you feel like your missing out on? Just wondering if you could get what you’re missing from friends?

I'm 27 and he's 42. A couple of my friends are parents, or engaged/in serious relationships. It's not the party lifestyle I'm missing, I love my son, and I wouldn't want to swap that for boozy nights out. I just worry that although the age gap isn't a problem now, he doesn't look like he's in 40s, no one believes him when he says he is! We have similar interests, share the same music taste. At the moment it's fine. It's just the fear that one day it won't be, one day possibly soon his age could catch up with him. It's a big gap, and I've ignored it because of how great things are now, but I worry I didn't give enough thought to the future? But is it stupid to walk away because of all these what ifs? I just don't want to end up married years down the line and be unhappy.

I think I feel I'd be safer with someone of my own age. Like all these what ifs wouldn't plague my mind so much. I don't know what's anxiety and what is a sign that something isn't right

Ok so you have 15 years difference between you. But why is it such a big deal? Try and leave the age out of it - how do you feel about him if that issue wasn’t there? Also, there is nothing to say if you were with a partner of a similar age that the relationship would be better, it could also be worse. Age is no guarantee, the personality and how you two get on is more important. He could become ill and die - so could a 30 year old. My first husband dropped dead at 31. My second is 14 years my junior and his health is worse than mine! What is your partner like is he a ‘young’ 42 - or 42 going on 62? Perhaps try and write down what is worrying you and then dig deeper in to exactly why. At the end of the day if you’re happy as you are you don’t HAVE to get married....

Don't get married so you can leave when ever you want.

You need to get these worries out from being just in your head and talk about them openly. You may find they seem less of a big deal once they are out in the open. Preferably with your partner, but your may start with a good friend. Or even a therapist.

It seems like the wedding planning is triggering the stress. Have you actually started i.e., set a date, told people about it? If not I'd just wait for a bit and take the pressure off.

Have there been times in the past when you have worried things out of proportion? Taking a small concern and escalated it? Does this feel similar? i.e., are you already award that you are prone to anxiety or destructive thinking?

You already have a son together. You have already changed your life in a far bigger way by being a parent than anything a wedding will change. You will still have that responsibility and link to each other even if you don't get married and ultimately separate. You might want to consider what that option will realistically look like. It won't be all fun and fancy free.