Help me craft a message

[thegreenlight]

Please feel free to read previous thread. I need help to craft a massage to my mum. She hasn’t contacted me since my dad texted me to tell me to forget what she had done. Nothing from her. I don’t want an apology (still getting passive aggressive posts on Facebook from her) please could someone advise me of a message I can send along the lines of I appreciate everything she did raising me but that her job is done. I want to talk to her like a friend, but I refuse to be controlled and that when she goes into that place I would be distancing myself until we could regain the balance in our relationship.

She sent vile messages to me and I am hurt still but this will never end otherwise and I don’t think I am capable of not having her in my life x I think I am strong enough to not tolerate her more extreme behaviour. Any advice from anyone who has been though this?

Why do you feel a need to write to your mother?. A woman by the way who is not worthy of being called that at all.

Do not respond at all. No good to you will come of doing so and you need to keep the box shut. If you have not already blocked both parents do so, they should not be able to contact you on any channel.

She is not and will never be the nice person or friend you still want her to be. Its not your fault she (and for that matter your dad too) is the ways she is and you did not make her that way.

It might help if you link to the previous threads.

What do you think writing to your mother will achieve?

I'm another who wouldn't respond to her at all. There's absolutely no point to it. She will never take your words into consideration, and she will simply use what you say as another rod to beat you with. Delete her from Facebook because all you're doing is torturing yourself by reading her nonsense posts.

Sometimes saying nothing is the most powerful. By writing to her she still won't see your Perspective or understand how you feel. If you have to have her in your life I'd just distance myself without the need to explain each time she does/says something. We don't always need to state our boundaries verbally. Good luck!

I think you may have posted about her before op. If you have then you really don't need to craft her a message at all. Just continue with nc. This is just another reaction to her toxic and abusive behaviour.

What would you like the message to achieve? I would hazard a guess that, no matter how well crafted, no message has the power to:

1. make your mother realise how badly she has treated you
2. admit any wrongdoing
3. examine or change her behaviour
4. abide by your boundaries in future

All it might possibly be able to do is :

1. act as a marker to you - you sent this message stating your boundaries, and now you will stick to then
2. give you a sense of closure that you have told her how you feel and can now move on

What is your ideal outcome for this message? And what does experience tell you is the most likely outcome?

You are all so wise as usual - I just wanted to make contact without apologising or seeming like I was crawling back and making excuses (she told me she wouldn’t accept my excuses ) but I’m aware I have had an easy ride of it with lockdown going on. Now that it is lifting I feel things won’t be so simple and I do love my mum. She has been very generous in the past but I need her to see that I won’t be controlled and she can’t tell me what to do as I am an adult. I am going to be very careful with her interactions with the boys as she over steps boundaries with them too. I can get on with my mum, I don’t want the fact that I am poor at setting and keeping boundaries to be a reason to not have my mum in my life.

I’m even questioning myself - am I overreacting?? Have I done something terrible? I plan on speaking to my therapist about it tomorrow but I’m aware she isn’t able to give advice. These are all skills I lack so I am asking all you wise and eloquent ladies to help!

Your therapist can't "tell you what to do" but she can help you work on having boundaries and, most importantly, not feel guilty about that. Its really hard when you grow up with someone who doesn't acknowledge you as a person with needs to not feel bad about advocating for yourself and having limits.