Am I asking for far too much?

[MissSugarplum]

I'm part time 3 days hes in the days I'm off minus a Saturday unless I've taken an extra shift, I was full time sahm until lockdown where I took a temp job. Im a day off and a day on but On my days off I feel that alls I do is play catch up with cleaning etc.. I've managed to get him to use the washing machine know because it was too much coming in to lots of washing every day.. tried to talk to him today to say that we need to come up with a rota so that the cleaning is getting done because I felt that that was all I did the days I was off to catch up.. he told me he does loads and hes not spending his days off cleaning.. that he does enough.. he hovers does the dishes and the washing.. I explained that that was every day things and not general cleaning.. he told me that even if he did I would find something else he wasnt doing right, know I'm pissed right off...
I told him that's exactly why I find it hard to talk to him about stuff like this, that I am trying to come up with a solution which works for both of us and I feel I'm talking to a teenager

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Its not your job either to come up with a solution and he is adept at batting any complaints you have right back at you. He is a grown man who lives there too.

You wont get anywhere with him in the long run because he fundamentally regards all the housework and chores as your job by dint of fact that you are female. He being the man of the house/king of his castle thinks he is above all that and is too important to do such things. You have to decide whether you want this sort of life going forward or not.

No I dont I just dont know how I can get through to him, that this is how I want life to be know.. both working both chipping in, without it turning into an argurment.. or competition
He says hes doing as much as he can but if I'm being completely honest I dont see it, I think the novelty has worn off as he said it may do earlier on in the weeks before, I feel it's a quick tidy up when I'm coming in.. does saying this make me an ungrateful cow? Because that's how I feel? I've been struggling for a week with my thoughts on how his efforts has deteriorated and it's really getting on my nerves.. but god forbid if I say anything as my standards are supposedly to high

So I spoke to him and asked if we can come to a compromise on cleaning and all I got was him being defensive and telling me I did fuck all and it doesnt matter what I ask him to do I'll always find something else to pick at him for

I've told him it just goes to show how much he really does appreciate me and the things I dont do in the house...

Seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship? You've tried talking to him and he's made his position clear - that housework is your responsibility and that he's too lazy to get off his arse to help.

Think very carefully before you invest any more years with this man.

He sounds horrible.
Have you children with him?

He honestly isnt horrible.. it's just that I dont think he wants to share the cleaning load and expects me to do it altho he hasnt came out and said it hes creating an arguement to divert it.. told him I couldn't give a shit no more he does what he wants coz I'll manage myself.. told me I do fuck all when I come home from work yet all week apart from last night as after my shift because wed done the shopping and my stomach was sore,,, I've came in and done the dinners the other nights coz it wasnt done, said I've been moody.. hes just not interested in helping and I'm not interested in chasing a husband who doesnt want to do it.. I know I do plenty and bust my arse when I'm not in work to keep things going.. and also bust my arse in work so I keep my job once lockdown is done with..

But what do you get out of this? Apart from a man who seems to think it's your role in life to act as his domestic appliance? I'd find it a complete turn-off to be married to someone so lazy and disrespectful.

Today I went to work and after I came home he had done most of the chores etc I saw he has made an effort.. I came in and they were enjoying the hottub.. dinner wasnt ready but house seemed a lot lot better.. I came in and went for a shower whilst they were in the hottub.. then once I came down he went for a shower and I would normally start the dinner but hed said he would do it so I'd left him.. I sat on the couch with my toddler and snuggled up whilst we waited for him to start the dinner. Which felt very strange... he had done dinner for just after 7.. and cleared up and know hes took our toddler up for a bath ready for bedtime.. see I've been watching him sweating whilst cooking.. tidying up.. ooing from his aching back.. and I made a point of not helping.. kind of so he really understands,, and cant but help feel awful.. why? Why do I feel so bad?
He should be doing this so why do I feel so bloody bad. Then i think why did he never feel like this with me?

Thing is truthfully I have felt turned off for years because of this and I've felt very resentful toward him but on the flip side I do see hes worked for all these years and provided for our family and I'm grateful for that....

Thanks for commenting I do appreciate it!

How about sitting down and making a list together of all the daily chores that need doing and divide them between you so you both can see what needs to be done and what is fair. Then another list of a bigger jobs that need doing on a weekly basis and having one of those to do each a day. Such as mow the lawn/ clean the bathroom properly. I did this with my DH and it really helped him see actually how much there was to do and now if I have to remind him to do something it doesn't feel like nagging because he's already agreed to it. For example he knows it's his job to put the bins out at the end of the day and put the laundry away. It's still annoying he needs prompting but hopefully at some point it will become a habit for him. Everyone's schedule has changed in lockdown so things that worked before may not work now. But try and approach it as a team if possible x

I feel similar to you, guilty if he helps and he makes a fuss of it, grateful for anything he does, plus the turned off part and the resentful part. I wish I could explain it too.

that sounds a great idea I'll mention the idea to him and see what we can come up with.. I did try to come to a compromise but it got heated and ended up him just diverting it to me just looking for things to pick on him at.. thanks for the idea.. my mind goes blank during confrontation and I cannot remember things he said or what I've said and he always seems to "win" I suppose because of this too
I told him the house looked great.. it wasnt perfect but he made the effort

Let us know how you get on 🤗