Past domestic abuse constantly triggering my Chronic Fatigue.

[Fightingback16]

I’m posting this on relationships because it’s about my health but based on my abusive marriage.

I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue last year and ptsd as a consequence of 12 years of DV. My overall everyday stress levels I can manage and my symptoms have reduced a lot in a background level kind of way. I was able to run and play with dd etc. I only got it to this level by going no-contact with H in December.

My problem is when he contacts me Via solicitors or I have to think about the relationship for solicitors reply etc or I need to make decisions or try and sift through things for my own answers I trigger off my chronic fatigue. I’m not doing it intentionally, I don’t really feel emotional when I think about it but the memories seem to be stored in my body and it just gets triggered.

I don’t want to be like this. A letter 3 days ago from his solicitor which talked about him taking me court over dd (which I had a thread over) has triggered my body to ache so uncontrollably.

Like I said I do manage to keep myself well most of the time but can’t seem to cope with these triggers and respond without my whole body responding. I look after myself, hot baths, journals, watch films, talk etc. I’m waiting on trauma therapy.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can stop reacting like this? I’ve got a big fight ahead of me with my divorce so really need to be stronger and make important decisions.

@sawollya yes he definitely has more to loose then I do. Now I’ve stopped feeling sorry for him and out of his narcissistic spell I see he kept me locked in fear. But knowing doesn’t stop me reacting even though I know why and that non of it was my fault. I now know I deserve my part of the house but it’s getting this body and mind to work with me.

The police know, social services know. I’ve had 2 maraca. Nobody really can work him out. Either he is just a small man with a large mouth or a dangerous man with a long fuse.

*maracs

Oh well the lawyer says no to an occupation order on the grounds it’s been too long since I left. The chance that he will win and gain more power is too high.

It’s so so frustrating. I just wish that I had been able to do something sooner but I couldn’t. On paper I out do my husbands intelligence 3 time’s over. He really got me cornered. He constantly told me I was stupid, emotionally stupid and sensitive. He has got what he wanted all along. Now it’s like constantly fighting against the current. I could scream!!!!!!!! I would love to go over and release some crazy on him, obviously I won’t but arghhhh I hate him!!!

Sometimes I think the only way I can “win” is to let him win and just walk away. But then I’ll have no house and no money.

Ah OP
I ended an abusive relationship in Dec
And after
Trauma
Relief
I am moving into a wierd place too
I started therapy to help me with kids and parenting but realised I am actually really fucked up
For me it’s anxiety , self doubt and constant worry about the kids
I have in a week gone from thinking it’s Time
To lower my dosage , to maybe increasing it
(Sertraline )
I know what you mean about the fear , COVID 19 helped me as he moved to another country !!

To help with context , are you living together ? I assume not as you said he hasn’t seen your DD since Dec

The main thing is both our reactions are human , and whilst time is a healer - getting the right help matters . You deserve it

@thisisworsethananticipated what is normal tho hey. Are we really that fucked up or is this normal and we all a bit fucked up. I think I’m starting to accept my fuckedupness a little it’s part of my new identity.

Now it’s time for me to find a way to use myself.

I have been through almost the same situation OP
Sorry this is a long one...
I have severe Chronic Fatigue(related to a recently diagnosed untreated condition)
I suffered from PTSD following an abusive 5year marriage.
I started the divorce proceedings immediately after I left but I found, like you, everything related to him I was really badly triggered even seeing his name in an e mail would set me off and I was in a really bad way.

Speaking on the phone to any man would set me off and I thought i was going mad.

Anyway I got so ill with the CFS that I could not cope with any of the divorce(I was self representing initially) so I put it on hold for 2years and concentrated on getting myself well.
I was in a bad way financially but there was nothing I could do because I was just too ill.

They say that if you have been in an abusive relationship it will take as many years to recover for the length of time you were abused.

I wrote down everything that came into my head about anything and everything over those 2years in notebooks....then I burned them!

By the time the 2years had passed I felt a little bit stronger and started to treat the divorce like a bad business deal and by this time I had began to hate him...which was good!

I then went to a Solicitor and got Legal Aid because of the Domestic Abuse and also told the Solicitor not to respond to any letters unless I said so because I was not paying for unnecessary letters back and forth. Solicitors love a Narcissist because they will just run up a massive bill and your bill goes up as well.

It went to a Final Hearing in Court and we were kept in separate rooms after we went in to see the Judge and he told him he would have to pay me my money back and he gave him 2 weeks to pay. House was sold already and he had the money in the bank.

So if you can give yourself some time to get a bit better and concentrate on yourself and go totally no contact with the ex then when you feel a bit better you can get your mind into a better place.

I found that there was nothing more important than my own wellbeing after always putting others first.

Oh and I spent a lot of time on wikivorce preparing myself for the ins and out of the whole procedure regarding divorce.

I hope you start to feel a bit better soon but you are going to have to rest a lot and do absolutely the bare minimum and reserve all your energy.

Oh @MsPepperPotts I would love to put it all on hold but I can’t as we have a 4 year old and contact issues etc.