I don’t know what to think

[Whatsgoingonlately]

I have NC’d for this.
I looked on DH’s tablet, yes I was officially snooping and I’m prepared to be dragged over hot coals for this. I don’t know what I expected to find really just curiosity got the better of me. I have looked before several months ago and then there was a PIN number which I guessed as it’s one we have used before. This time the pin has been removed, DH does get fed up with passwords etc so that is probably why. Previously when looking on safari the screen came up normally, this time it came up as private browsing. I have recently found out from mumsnet about a way to look up website data. When I looked at this lot’s of expected sites came up of stuff he likes to research about shares, etc. But there were about 6 different porn sites. 2 I had heard of the rest I hadn’t so googled them to see what it said.
I don’t know much about porn, I’m not being judgemental it’s just not my thing.

I just don’t know what to think. Since I’ve seen this it has played on my mind. To give some background DH and I have been together a long time, two decades. Our marriage has been more like friends for many many years. We generally get on quite well but do have flare up arguments sometimes, usually about the same things. Our sex life has never been a rip each other’s clothes off type of connection. DH has erectile difficulties,
he can get erections but can’t sustain them during sex. He says he’s always had this issue but I’m still left feelIng it’s me because I have no other experiences of being sexual with anyone else.
DH has always preferred masturbating in my view, he can usually always finish when doing so.
Our sex life wore off mainly because I found it frustrating to never know the feeling of him climaxing, it all got a bit too much and I just told myself I could do without it. (I never told him this and I’ve never made him feel bad about his difficulties either). He didn’t seem that bothered either that we no longer had sex and never mentions it.

I think seeing the list of porn sites makes me feel inadequate really. He is obviously getting what he needs from there and sees me as a companion. I don’t know if he would cheat, I don’t think so. He has been cheated on in other relationships and has always been vehemently against it. It may sound weird but if he was I would find it easier to leave.

Anyway I don’t really know what I’m asking if I’m asking anything. I am now late 30’s and maybe feel like I’m reaching some kind of peak because in the last year I have felt I would like a sex life just not with him. He is attractive but I think it’s the past history which puts me off. I don’t feel we have anything to work on. I love him but it’s more like loving a family member.
I’m not happy in the marriage any more and if I had the resources I would leave. But I also feel scared to, I have only ever lived with my parents and then with him. Would it be right to leave a marriage which isn’t that bad. He’s not abusive, I’m just unhappy. Is happiness overrated?!
We don’t have any children, it just hasn’t happened for us. That in itself is a deep sadness for me, he isn’t really bothered.
I just don’t know any more what to think or what to do.
Sorry for rambling, it actually feels better just writing this down.

And no I don’t want to put in 20 more years that I know.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to help me, I really appreciate it.

It's like eating an elephant, one bite at a time. Start taking little steps.

Category12 Yes, just that, I think it’s got to be baby steps.

OP, look up the “fallacy of sunk costs”. You are saying that because you wasted 20 years on a bad relationship, you have to stay and waste 20 more. Consider the illogic of that!
You are still young. Many women reach their sexual prime in their thirties and forties, when they know what they like and are confident enough to ask for it. You are denying yourself the chance to explore this with a more enthusiastic partner.
Of course it feels daunting to leave. It’s a big step. So break it down into manageable little steps. First step is to believe you can do it. The next is to review the finances and work out a solo budget, plan where to live etc. Consulting a solicitor comes next. Eventually you will reach your goal of having your own space, and the freedom to invite potential new partners into your life. Good luck!

Dear OP, you know already that you want to leave, and that is why you are snooping - you are hoping to find some huge, definable 'reason' that you can use. Maybe even make the marriage breakdown 'his fault'.

It seems like you feel there needs to be 'fault' somewhere, rather than saying, 'look, I'm not happy, and I get that you might be ok with how things are, but I am not. For me, the relationship is over, I do not love you as a partner, and I believe we both deserve more than this. '

I realise this is not a 'baby step'! But I think the danger of baby steps is that at some point during the tottering back and forth, one of you (almost certainly you) will have an affair. You are already looking for 'reasons' to end this relationship, and the less conscious parts of us are powerful. Then everything ends in acrimony and recrimination.

You have been together a long time. He deserves the truth, even if it is a hard truth to hear.

I don’t feel I’m entitled to half of anything, I couldn’t live with doing that to him.
I was getting that vibe ...

Have a look round when things start opening again, or see what's already available online, and look for what other advice you can get as well as from the solicitor. I don't know what options you have in the UK - here the consumer advice bureau was quite helpful.
Look for a solicitor you think you might get on with on a personal level. They will probably advise you to get what you are entitled to. Even if you don't listen, it might help you to be a bit bolder in your expectations. (I did the same as you, and probably asked for too little. Don't start a race by tying your shoelaces together.)

I guess he is a bit older than you? Has he always dealt with the financial end of things and encouraged the idea that you are a financial mess?

I hate to break it to you OP but your sex drive also isn't going anywhere. Mine started to (I thought) peak in my late 30s. Fast forward to mid-late 40s and it was through the roof. If you haven't had children particularly Mother Nature is very keen for you to do so and ramps up the possibility of it by giving you lots of opportunities 😁. To lose that possibility of those years of fun seems like such a shame, not to mention, believe it or not, the possibility of a baby.

I couldn't live like this, with someone who didn't sort their ED out but wanking themself stupid. It seems incredibly selfish and I would feel like I was there as a convenience if there were all consuming hobbies in the mix too. He doesn't sound like someone I would want to go off into the sunset with tbh.

Life (including your sex life!) is so very far from over. Also don't forget about the ways you may have contributed that are not financial. Has your extra housework enabled him to have a better job? Have you done more than half of keeping everything going in other ways thus freeing him up to make more money &/or have more hobbies.

Why don't you make a list of everything you've brought to the marriage and then see what percentage that that is/whether you can give it a value. Don't forget it's a negotiation so go in higher than you expect on a settlement. You are entitled to come out of this in a good position.

If this lockdown had taught us anything it's that you only live once.

You've all made such valid points thank you.

Babdoc - This is a wake up call, it doesn't make any sense at all to waste 20 more. Although in a lot of ways the last 20 haven't been a total waste, to feel safe and comfortable are important things too. I've grown up too and learned a lot of lessons. But I just wish 10 years ago I had the courage to do something then. But it doesn't mean I can't do something about it now and make the most of the next 10 years.

ChristmasFluff - I am hoping to find a 'real' reason which is ridiculous. I am starting to realise I don't need one now. Not being happy is enough. Although I don't think he would see it that way, that's my gut feeling. He will be looking for 'real' reasons.

ravenmum - Its like you are a mind reader! I see what you mean about not making a decision on what settlement I think is fair until I've got advice. He is all about money and I want to have some feeling of dignity, he won't be able to say I've bled him dry that's my aim.
Yes he is older than me, well guessed and he has always taken control of finances and regularly tells me what a mess I am in and that I'm useless with money. I'm better than I was and getting this side of things in order.

Vodkacranberryplease - So many good points. I think I have brought other things to the marriage that can't be quantified. But because of this he would say that they have no financial value. He was very different when we met and is much calmer now, I know that has to be in part because of age but also my being there for him.
Lockdown really has brought about more urgency to my mind.

Yes he is older than me, well guessed and he has always taken control of finances and regularly tells me what a mess I am in and that I'm useless with money. I'm better than I was and getting this side of things in order.
Of course you were less experienced with money than him when you met, then. You were barely an adult. If you'd spent a few more years on your own before you met, it would be a different story. But don't be surprised, once you start looking through things yourself, if you discover that he is not the financial genius he thinks he is.

he won't be able to say I've bled him dry that's my aim.
And he won't say that if you take less? You can't stop people from saying things. You can only stop listening or caring.