Need to stop looking for a man

[Blurpblorp]

Divorced for 2 years, two DDs (10 & 8). Finally finished with my ex for good yesterday after a slow petering out. I'm a people pleaser and I've courted male attention all my life...it represents validation to me in a way. Probably why my husband walked all over me (and I'm still so disapointed in myself). I know I need to just STOP defaulting to finding a new man, fix my head and heart and find validation in other ways. Thing is, I find it so hard to not do this... am currently messing around on an OLD site and generally a bit hyper-connected to laptop/phone etc.

How do I break this cycle? How do I come to be happy just being me? I've got all the theoretical whys but am lacking practical tips... I thought about finding what I get excited about and joining a club or volunteering but nothing like that is happening at the moment.

Self-indulgent i know. Would love any tips please, and to hear your stories of success discovering how to just be yourself.

Well, firstly get off the OLD sites.

Secondly, enjoy having more time for family and friends. I suppose. I think I enjoyed making small decisions for myself, having the space to do what I wanted to - maybe that's useful for you too if you're used to prioritising a man's feelings over yours.

Basically, recognise it's going to take time. Spend lots of time with your DC, keep in touch with your family and friends, do nice stuff for yourself, be patient and kind, value yourself.

I can't help but I'm in the same boat.

Kicked out a right arsehole early March after 8 yrs together. I promised myself I'd stay single, but there's a guy at work who clearly fancies me. Im wfh as is he so we don't cross paths right now but I keep thinking that I'll get into a relationship with him because he'll def be up for it. But I know that for my children's sake I just need to stay single!!! Good luck op.

I can relate to some of what you've written op. Honestly? Therapy. I've been single for just over a year and, with therapy, I'm starting to believe that I'm lovable and enough just as I am. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like someone to be with. But I don't need it like I used to. I would second getting off the apps. You have to go through the pain and sadness of loss, learn to be okay with loneliness, and then there is the other side. And it is better

Hi all - thanks for your replies. Maybe we should have a thread to support eachother? Is there already one?

Yes to getting off the OLD site for sure.

@longtimecomin well done on getting rid. I feel such a sense of relief now. It's difficult if there's a potentially special someone right now. See where it goes and I suppose, don't make him a focus of your life. If he wants to make the effort to get in with you then he's probably worth it.

It's so easy to give this advice but am terrible at following it myself. I don't have anyone right now and really want to try and keep it that way. Wish I was one of those women who are so focussed on their own interests that they almost inspire others to join them? I'm the opposite of that.. too much of a people pleaser and don't have a strong sense of self. I just sacrifice my self too easily and I don't respect myself because of it. Suppose that's a good place to start.

I've had lots of therapy in the past and know what I need to do... I don't know why I don't just do it. Self-sabotage shrugs any ideas?

I think it’s worth making a list of all the many ways in which being single and living alone are better.

1. Your own space to do what you like with.
2. Not having to fit around other people’s plans.
3. Being able to read/watch/do what you like and not adapt your standards all the time.
4. Your kids will be far happier not to have another new man on the scene and your relationship with them roll improve.
5. You will achieve so much more in terms of your self development as a single person than you will in a relationship. Relationships - unless they are really perfect and supportive (and most aren’t), are big motivation vacuums.

As women we are bombarded with propaganda all the time that sends the message that we are not ok unless we are one half of a couple. When you take a step back and realise how much horseshit this is it’s amazingly empowering.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have another relationship or date or have sex. But once you have realised this you will start to approach things from the standpoint of “is this really going to enrich my life?” Rather than “am I good enough to tick some bloke’s box?”

It’s helped me always to tell myself I am in control, I am doing everything for myself and on my terms. Rather than desperately trying to fit myself into a narrow idea of what someone else may want from me.

Echoing PP, a half decent man isn't going to want you to tick some boxes. Speaking as a man, it's a major red flag if you jump from relationship to relationship.

Take some time and work out what you want from a relationship, and what you bring to it. I emphasise what you bring to it, as that underpins your self worth. If you have unshakeable belief you are bringing something worthwhile to the table, then you will get a better quality man.

Gosh thanks so much, what you say makes a lot of sense. Great ideas to build myself up first before embarking on the whole dating thing again. Thank you

I definitely think a strong sense of self takes time to develop. I had no idea who I was when I left my marriage. I was so busy with four DCs very little social life that the few men who popped up were easy to ignore! I did find after three or four years single that I was a lot happier in myself and more confident.

Give it time. Do you have any good friends? I had one during that time who particularly understood and looked out for me - we only met up once a fortnight but it made all the difference.

Thanks @Charlottecumminsneelucas thanks for sharing and I'm glad to hear your positive story. And with four DCs... What a woman! I'm very blessed with a great circle of friends and family who have kept an eye on me these last few years. I met my ex stupidly earlier after I split with exH; only 2 months when I was on the major rebound. It was hugely helpful in some ways but in others it's stopped me healing from the divorce. Now is the time.