He’s been researching relationship advice

[Crystal97304]

Long time lurker here...never really talk about my life but would like an outsiders opinion...

My dh and I are going through a tough time...2 weeks ago I had enough and reluctantly told him to pack his things. We were together 3.5 years...no dc involved. I was unhappy because the arguing has gotten worse over the years....we have continued to argue over trivial things...Were both to blame but his temper was making things worse. I first noticed his temper when we moved in together, our first Christmas together...he snapped over something silly which he had done and took it out on me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt...he was stressed with family/work...he apologised..we made up. From then on, the trivial bickering has got worse and communication went out the window. It wasn’t all doom and gloom...we’ve had many joyful memories..holidays...spoilt me from day one..will do absolutely anything for me..no cheating..works his socks off. We have always agreed on talking about the issue...but have got nowhere. We have both admitted he’s worse than me...his temper is his issue..some day’s he’s not snappy and fun, others he flys off the handle and it scares me. No violence involved but hurtful name calling during arguments...I told him to not swear...he tried but it crept back in. He had a bad upbringing and was involved in violence...he left the estate to start a new life then met me...I think he needs some counselling.
Forward to now he’s heartbroken I told him to leave but he understands why...I have told him I can’t live a life of anger or stress anymore...I want my home to be a calm, peaceful place...he agreed. I went onto his YouTube Account on the TV as it was signed in, I wanted to be nosey...I saw while he’s been gone, he’s been researching Relationship advice, tons of videos.. he doesn’t realise that I can see...I feel like Why now? Why not earlier in the relationship...so much damage has been done...I know the simple answer is Just divorce and move on I get that...I am considering it..His last text to me was at the very least, would I have him as a friend?...it’s all too much right now..I feel I have failed

I'm sorry you are hurting. Why do you think you have failed? You gave him so many opportunities to address his behaviour.

Its hard for many people to go into counselling and perhaps that is why he didnt seek help earlier. He's going to have to open a can of worms that he would probably rather not. He also probably naively thought you'd just let him off with his behaviour.

From your post there is a lot of good points amidst the anger issues. How do you feel about him? What would you like to happen?

He definitely pushes all his past to the back of his mind...but it’s affecting him now I feel. I love him and care about him..I know he has a good side to him...I’m just worried he will never fix his temper. Since not seeing him for two weeks...we have been in contact, there’s been no rowing...I’m scared if I get back him...it will start up again. Do I simply cut contact?... or try work with him? I’m so lost

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
You did right by telling him to leave and thankfully he did.

He is very much a product of his own dysfunctional abusive upbringing; he has merely transferred all that onto you and your life with him has been miserable as a result with you being on the receiving end of emotional abuse. Men like this also hate women, all of them.

Abuse is not about communication problems or a perceived lack thereof; its about power and control. Re his temper too what is he like towards people in the outside world?. Did he reserve his temper tantrums just for you?.

You've been abused by him. Cut contact with him going forward, do not have this man as a friend. There is no working with someone like him and you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship. His issues are his own to address and you are in no way qualified to address them or help him address them. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Enrolling your own self onto Women's Aid's Freedom Programme could help you in your recovery from his abuses of you.

He has not even managed to leave you alone these past two weeks; he continues to try and walk on and over your boundaries. You do not owe this man anything now, let alone a relationship. He has not changed an iota; two weeks is nothing in relationship terms.

And love your own self for a change. He does not.

Do you love him or are you confusing this with codependency?. Read about codependency and see how much of this if any applies to you here.

Sending support

Thankyou everyone ...I’ve seen him lose his temper with outside people too, I’ve had to calm him down and he only listens when I tell him to stop...I definitely think I was dependant on him...relied on him to do everything for me...I would ask him to take me to doctors appointments, take me to the shops, Advice on work struggles, Watch a movie with me... he was my life... I have family so I’m not alone...I know I wasn’t perfect, it takes two to argue but I would never swear at him...I feel lost but I feel calm