Controlling ex, coparenting, ongoing issues

[Cancin]

I'm struggling a bit to get my head around this. ExH and I split up several year ago. He was very controlling and manipulative and I initiated the divorce. During the divorce and afterwards I found out he had lied about the separation saying I had an affair (even telling my own family this) and in court trying his best to make me look like a bad mother. All lies! At one point I thought I was losing my mind and it took a very long time to establish boundaries/gain confidence again. I am now the primary carer. Despite all of this I could not bare not to see my children at christmas or birthdays so always invited ex into my house for shared birthdays and celebrations. My ex has been civil (and overly fake and friendly towards me) in front of the children and other people but still always criticises/argues with me in emails/text messages and has zero respect for me. I have tried very hard to maintain boundaries/be civil for sake of the children.

Since he started seeing a new girlfriend he has decided he doesn't want to do any shared celebrations and instead split birthdays and Christmas. In one way I think this is good because I hate being in a same room as my ex but I cannot fantom being away from my children at christmas or birthdays. I also feel a bit bitter as I tried so hard in the past to have these days together for sake of DC. Now he has a girlfriend he has decided he wants to split these days.

We didn't make any plans for DDs birthday which is in 3 weeks time. Today a friend (one of my oldest friends) messaged me to say my ex has messaged her about my DDs birthday party inviting her and her DD. Basically ex has arranged a party for DD while she is with him and is inviting the children of my friends to his party. This is the first I have heard of it and obviously I am not invited!! He hasn't spoken to this friend in years except at DD's party last year at my house when I invited her. She accepted as she thought I would be there too. I messaged ex and he said yes he is having a party and it's none of my business! Divorced parents having separate birthdays is one thing but isn't inviting my friends taking the piss? There are no boundaries with my ex. And what about lockdown?? I have only met up with a single friend in lockdown without my DC.

My sister also said recently she had some messages from ex via Facebook asking how she is and that he'd like to see her again. My sister thought this was a bit odd as she hadn't heard from him in years as well. I think it's bloody odd too. If he were a nice person it would be a different story but he's not.

So, basically how do I deal with this? This sudden contact with friends/family is weird and seems another attempt at somehow trying to control me. I don't know who else he has contacted about this party and I'm pretty sure he will not be mentioning to these people (and probably many of my friends) that I will not be there. It seems an attempt to push me out of my life which has happened in the past (he has actually stolen some of my friends from me and tried to push me and my family apart!). I realise this is quite complex as ex is highly manipulative. How to deal with this?

Bump

Don’t let DD go to him for her birthday? It’s not allowed to have a party. These Covid times mean contact isn’t the same as before so don’t agree to this. You shouldn’t want to be invited. Parties are not allowed at the moment so don’t go along with it.

Also let your ex go and share Christmas etc. He has a new woman so let him get on with it. The more he shares your life, the more manipulative he will seem. Make sensible child visit arrangements and stick to them. They can be varied at the moment though.

With the party I think you need to message all of your friends and let them know what’s happened and that you won’t be there. If they are truly your friends then they won’t go to the party. I’d also make it clear that this is happening during lockdown and isn’t legal. I’d ring my local police station and get advice on this gathering.

The police won’t engage. Just keep Dd away and explain why. Are all your friends so stupid as to go to a party in 3 weeks time? If so, you need new friends too!

How old is DD?

I think really you need to disengage and ignore what he is doing in his time,

For this time only I would let your friends know you are not part of the plan, we're never invited and not sure why he is planning a party during lockdown

Now my friend has told me he said it's a 'socially distanced party' in his garden and that's why she accepted especially as schools etc are reopening next week. Who knows what will happen in 3 weeks time. Either way he's overly persuasive and has this charming facade that people usually fall for. I don't think there should be any party given lockdown though. Of course he has already told DD he is having a party for her who is now very excited! How I meant to keep her at home and refuse to let her go?

Let your dd go to the party. If it's a socially distanced party then it's not worth the aggro of saying no. Send a message to your friends and explain that you have not been invited to attend the party, that they are free to go if they wish but that Ex has been nosy and asking lots of questions about you, so you would appreciate it if they could not get drawn into talking about you.

He is gathering the friends up to make it one big happy family showing off for the girlfriend "I'm a good guy all these people like me"

My ex tried it with my playground friends (not friend friends just people I talk to on the playground) he didn't get far they were surprisingly loyal closed ranks he gets a polite brush off these days they arnt rude they just arnt close

I'd message all my friends and family telling them that Ex is having DC for on birthday this year, and he's is now trying to hoover up all ex friends and relatives to go to him, in essence stopping you having a small party too no one left to invite, and to exclude you from your childs celebration. Where as in the past you had agreed to do these things together. The abuse continues.

There's two issues here. The party should not be happening at all, due to lockdown, regardless of whether schools will be open or not. Inwouldnemailmhimmandntell himmthat if he insists that this party is going ahead your DD will not be going to his house until after her birthday. He then has the option of going to court to fight you, but I very much doubt he would win.

The other issue of Christmas and birthdays generally needs sorting out properly. He's perfectly entitled to have her for these days, just as you are. Most parents split these events. In my case, we had 50/50 care, weekly. For her birthdays my DD would spend the whole day with one parent and the other parent would have them the following day or weekend. She generally had two parties. For Christmas she would go to one parent on Christmas Eve until Boxing Day morning, then go to the other. She always spent mother's and fathers days with the relevant parent. She also had two weeks in the summer holidays with each parent.

Btw, the first joint party we had was her 21st!

Thanks. This does mean though that I won't see my DD on her actually birthday. He has arranged the party for her that day I feel a fool for always keeping exH involved for all these years and this is the way he now treats me - by inviting everyone but me to my own DDs birthday. How do other separated parents cope with not seeing DC on special ocassions?

I could contact friends to say I will not be going but I have no idea who he has actually invited.

You need to get into perspective that seeing DC on the specific date is not a big deal, for some reason It is to you and your EX knows this and it's exactly why he has done it.

Next year she will be with you, Christmas they celebrate twice etc.

@RandomMess It is a big deal to me. It's the day I gave birth to my DC, the day they came into the world. I'm quite sentimental with dates etc. You mean he knows this so he has done it deliberately? He seems intent on making me feel left out and sad but why?

Because he knows it hurts you.

He can't take away that you gave birth that day, but you can choose to celebrate with your DC their birthday on another day. Stop him having the power to hurt you.

At some point your DC will grow away and choose to celebrate with friends and not you...

RandomMess is right. Plus, part and parcel of co-parenting is accepting that you won't be able to have every single birthday and Christmas with your child.

I feel a fool for always keeping exH involved for all these years and this is the way he now treats me - by inviting everyone but me to my own DDs birthday.

Try and look at the bigger picture here - you've kept him involved because it's the right thing to do for your DD. The relationship with him is for her benefit, not yours.

It hurts because you are giving him headspace and control. That will stop when you manage to detach from it - and to see his actions as the futile attempts of an insecure man who is trying to grab your attention. Google the grey rock technique and start using it on him.

It is 100% normal for separated parents to split birthdays and Christmas. Sorry but you need to get used to it. They’re his children too.

@seriously Yes I know they are his children too I don't know about it being '100% normal'. I know many separated parents that celebrate together. It really depends on the circumstances. There are no rules. But these are not my questions in my orginal post. I am asking how to deal with a separate birthday where he has invited my friends and possibly family to without me being involved.

@Tappering I've never heard of the grey rock technique before and just googled it, thanks.

OP you alternate years for birthday, Christmas and New year.

You ensure every mothering Sunday and your birthday she is with you.

You ensure every fathers day and his birthday she is with him.

This year he gets her birthday date and New Year so you get Christmas.

Next year you get her birthday date and New Year and he gets Christmas.

Lots of men if they aren't use to taking care of children on their own fail with this arrangement.

I would just a factual statement to friends and family stating that Ex has decided that Christmas and birthdays are not to be celebrated with both of you anymore and therefore you haven't been invited.

Don't ask them to pick sides etc just make them aware you weren't invited so any bullshit about you not turning up is well bullshit...

If they don't go it will be upsetting for your daughter how old is DD?

Ok at the moment a party seems wrong. (not sure I believe about the social distance party even with the best intentions.)

However him organising a party for his daughter on her birthday would normally in my eyes be absolutely fine. Your not together so why celebrate together, he has a new GF so perhaps it has highlighted the need to move on. Take note and say next birthday child gets to be wih you, take turns. And you don,t need to be involved. But it does sound rather underhand.

How old is your daughter as this is relevant. If she is old enough then her views are important. I assume if it's a child's party adults will drop and go?

Focus on what is best for your child. The first time you have separate events or miss Christmas and birthdays feel sad but you do get over it. Only parents who are genuinely coparenting without a history of abuse can share days.

He has now moved on and no doubt wants to show the new gf how wonderful he is.

The issue you have is lockdown but in a few weeks it will probadly be allowed.

It's shit of him OP.

First of all there should be no party given the current circumstances.
Second of all how old is DD , can a big bunch of children really socially distance in a garden?
Thirdly it's her birthday not Christmas or a holiday where it's usually normal to split days or children only go with one parent and their respective new partners/families. Surely it's normal to have both parents there? Especially since it's a party where they don't even have to interact with each other?
Every single couple I know who are no longer together have always both attended their DCs birthday parties/school plays/parents evenings together as it's about the child not some one upmanship bs drama.

He's a dick.

@RandomMess DD is nearly 9. I am torn because exH did his best to alienate me from friends and family when we were together and it feels like he is still doing it now years later. I think it's also a horrible position to put my friends/family in if they have been invited. And yes for my DD too. It will be confusing for her to see the friends we usually hang out with without me there. The whole thing is strange. It's a lot of drama that I don't have the energy to deal with right now so maybe stepping back is the best thing.