Cheap Husband

[Amanda87]

How do you deal with a cheap husband that just WON'T SPEND ANY MONEY ON YOU?
No dates if I don't ask for them, I had to pay for my wedding band, our honeymoon trip was ALL 50/50 and so is everything when it comes to sharing costs. He makes more money than me and he thinks it's fair if I pay for half of everything.

Is this a change of behaviour since you married, or was he always a tightwad? Is he/are you saving for something (house, children)? Is he afraid for the future of his/your jobs?

It's very hard to say in isolation that he's cheap, you see. Sharing costs sounds fair enough to me, but again, it depends on what the discrepancy in your earning power is and how you decided things would go before you married.

Who paid for his wedding band?

Have you suggested combining your finances?

I think though that you knew what he was like when you married him so he probably thinks everything is fine and he won’t be open to changing.

Why are you with him at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

He has always been like that and it doesn't seem like he's changing. He paid for his own wedding band, but I'm just tired of everything being 50/50.
I have spoken openly about how I feel, but he just doesn't agree with my point of view and when he feels pissed off he starts paying for everything and telling me he'll pay for everything. That's not what I want at all, I just wanted some more nice treatment.

Do you spend money on him?

Do you intend to have children with him? Will you still be expected to pay half then? Because a lot of these tight men seem to include child costs in with the women's expenses.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he's an amazing person apart from this financial situation.

I would immediately find out the most critical information which is does he expect you to save for the two of you to have a baby so despite giving birth, needing recovery and taking months off work to look after the baby you are having together, you can still contribute financially so he can have a baby with his finances not impacted. Then probably thinks you should work part time or around nursery hours so you earn less for the rest of your life and pay more for the child/ren as it’s too hard to ask him for more to cover his own child’s costs.
If that looks like the case divorce him as fast as you bloody well can so you can find someone decent to share your life with.

Do not bring any child into this mess.

He will not change OP, you can only change how you react to him. What you want i.e. some more nice treatment is not going to happen with this individual.

I presume this man does not want to share at all hence his behaviour towards you now.

Some financially controlling men do use money to further exert power and control against their spouse in the relationship.

Describe to me how he is amazing in all other aspects. Its likely the case that he really is not and is infact treating you poorly in other aspects of your relationship too.

He has always been like that and it doesn't seem like he's changing.

Why did you marry him then? You knew he was tight, did you think that would miraculously change?

Bit too late to bitch about it now I'm afraid.

I never dreamed him would change, I just feel extremely annoyed by that lately.

I would immediately find out the most critical information which is does he expect you to save for the two of you to have a baby so despite giving birth, needing recovery and taking months off work to look after the baby you are having together, you can still contribute financially so he can have a baby with his finances not impacted. Then probably thinks you should work part time or around nursery hours so you earn less for the rest of your life and pay more for the child/ren as it’s too hard to ask him for more to cover his own child’s costs.
If that looks like the case divorce him as fast as you bloody well can so you can find someone decent to share your life with.

well said timeisnotaline..

This is so important OP... read this again and think about this long and hard...

My husband it’s like this too.
He treats himself lovely, buys flashy clothes, car, plays golf nonstop. All has to be a certain label otherwise he would not wear it- example all his golf gear has to be TaylorMade brand, or certain Ralph Lauren clothes.
But when it comes to me- he buys me £5 Primark shirt and would talk about it nonstop- how much money he spend on me!
We never went on holiday. Never.
Our wedding in 2008 was cheap £300 price tag.
His image of holiday is going to his parents in Norfolk for a three days.Then he tells me:Look I took you on holiday! LOL!!!!
So yes. I know how it feels.

Some financially controlling men do use money to further exert power and control against their spouse in the relationship.

That's how you describe splitting everything 50/50?

You haven't told us what the discrepancy is in your earnings.

If he's earning millions and you are scraping by on 10k a year, then fair enough, maybe he should do more of the spending. But if the discrepancy is fairly minor, then I'd keep up splitting the expenses. Why should he have paid for your wedding band, incidentally? I've been married three times and always paid for my own, while my Dh's have bought theirs.

Hmmm. My partner scraped all the money he had in the world to buy my engagement ring. It’s
Supposed to be a declaration of love.
We are looking at wedding rings now and he is still looking for the best he can afford because he loves me. It doesn’t matter how much the ring actually cost - it’s the fact he put everything into
It. I will buy his wedding band with my last bit of savings, I love him and I want too.
We have never split anything 50/50, before sharing a household together we both enjoyed spoiling each other. Now all the money goes on bills and we share what’s left.
Not that’s there is much and that suits me fine, I would rather have a kind man with less money than a rich selfish bastard.

So what your saying is that you want him to be something he isn’t? The wrong question is ‘why is he .......?’ and the right one is, ‘why did I accept behaviour I didn’t agree with’?

The good news is, the answer to the right question, is within your grasp.

Op I think you need to give more info on salaries here... otherwise I'm sorry but everything is split 50/50 and you/everyone else is saying he's tight financially controlling etc etc.

Jesus. What ever happened to equal partners...

Me and my partner earn 24k and 30k. Everything is split 50/50 (no kids).

If I’m being honest I have never had this overwhelming need for a man to spend money on me. Me and my dh have joint bank accounts, so if i want to buy myself something, and I can afford it i’ll buy it. We discuss big purchases but generally I buy myself things and don’t expect or wait for my dh to buy me anything. Obviously when it comes to birthdays Christmas anniversary’s etc I will usually get one gift or flowers plus a card but day to day I don’t get anything and it doesn’t bother me one bit. Honestly I’m struggling to understand your frustration.

I've never heard a man say they think their partner should be 'treating them nicely' with the evidence being that the partner 'treats' them to nights out or gifts that cost money.

I'm not saying it's not nice to do so for your partner but I've only ever heard women complain about it. And it's a very old fashioned attitude.

My DP earns more than me, our split is 50% of our wages as opposed to both putting a £1,000 each in to our bills pot. This is the fairest way and means we both get 50% of our wages to spend on what ever we want.. it's so important to be on the same page financially but I'd hate for him to pay for everything.

You married him like this, why would he change?

What is your salary differential like, and why?

If I worked hard and long hours and earned more than a spouse who chose to work part time, I might be reluctant to sub them. (I’m actually the higher earner in a marriage with a husband working part time in an easier job... and I don’t resent that at all, and pay way over 50% - but depending on the circumstances, I could)

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

Seriously, just don't. What's his is his and his alone. If marriage is not a joint enterprise with shared finances, neither will children be. You will tale a massive financial hit that you will never recover from.

His attitude towards money totally bars him from being 'an amazing person'. That you " feel extremely annoyed by [his attitude] lately" suggests the scales have started to fall from your eyes.

Splitting costs 50/50 is not abuse.