Rational advice needed re break up

[Homebaby]

First time poster, found you a few weeks ago when I thought I was pregnant and now need some good advice (or a kick up the bum)
Been with my partner for 4 years, has been a rocky road. Parents hate me despite never meeting me and we have spent only 3 nights together in that time. Problems stem from him being insanely secret about everything including female friends and the fact that I don't feel like he's ever tried that hard to resolve issues with parents. When the covid thing kicked off he said it had made him realise how much I mean to him and he would sort everything out when we were finally allowed to see each other. I believed him once again despite hearing it all before, I loved him and have always felt we would work given a chance to be 'normal' Months ago it became apparent that he had a new female friend he had never mentioned (she has worked for him in the past but no mention of friendship) and I caught sight of a row of blowing kisses emojis from her on his phone. I never ask to see messages but did that night, he refused. Somehow got through that and I left him be, never again asked if he had contacted her. He had been brilliant the last few weeks, messaging, calling and generally making me feel settled and secure. Fast forward to a week ago, I had to go to hospital as I had a kidney infection coming on ( was hospitalised before Xmas with one) and needed antibiotics Messaged him to say I was going, he messaged back ok etc. I come home to see a fb status nominating her amongst others for one of these challenges (not me) and I lost the plot. He didn't check I'd got home ok, turned his phone off and went to sleep. I'll admit I was vile to him, just felt it was really insensitive. He has now said he doesn't want to know any more and I feel rubbish. Just to add I'd had to stop my pill because I couldn't get them in time so am all over the place, he knows this and I have recognised that I'm not myself atm. Sorry for the long post, was I over sensitive or do I just accept that I messed up and live with it?

So this is a grown man who supposedly can't see you overnight because his mum might find out! And this has been going on for FOUR years.

To be honest I would assume he has a wife and some kids, and the real reason he only stays I night a year with you is that;'s how often his wife goes away.

And even if that isn't so, why would you want to be with a man who can't stand up to his mum? There is not realistic hope of a normal relationship. I think you are well rid of him. Sorry.

@mintjulia definitely no wife and kids. His business is based at his home which has apparently been the reason for him not wanting to upset the apple cart. But tbh your last comment is what I was thinking while I was writing it all down so thank you 😊 just doubting myself and need to come to terms with the fact that it's time to stop the waiting and move on

Honestly if I were you, I would get rid. One night a year is beyond strange if not due to religious/cultural beliefs and doesn’t show much intention for a long term future.

The fact his friends don’t know about you after this period of time because you’re being hidden should trigger your self respect into leaving. You deserve more than being hidden away! He sounds like an immature, secretive player and you can do better.

@brunomarsbars agree completely, just don't know how I've let myself put up with it for so long. I'm not a 'weak' person, just sometimes want to believe words too much even when they don't match actions. Thank you 😊 my friends have always told me I shouldn't stick around but they are obviously on my side. Having unbiased opinions that match what they say is massively helpful

Give him the heave-ho, he's not a real boyfriend.

Never let something like this go on so long again. You need to reset your boundaries.

I think the parents hating you is bs he is feeding you to keep you in your place, aka: nothing serious. It also could have been a tactic to foster closeness/chemistry fast early on, like a "its us against the world" thing.

Also, you saw what looked like an inappropriate text to his female friend and he wouldn't let you clarify that it wasnt. So it was. Dont dismiss yourself as hormonal or oversensitive for having an issue with something you have every right to have an issue with! Has he been gaslighting you? Or do you normally have such poor self esteem?

Either way, 4 years on and you arent happy with him. He is never going to make you happy. Love yourself more and walk away.

Please get out of this dead end, shit relationship. Doesn't it make you sad to look back at all the time you've wasted on this man child? Raise your standards and move on. Dumping him now is the perfect time, so just do it and block.

Dump him. You’ve done nothing wrong. Except let this go on too long.

Text dump him and block him on everything.
Oh and on your way out, I'd post on his fb (ideally when you know he is busy somewhere and not gonna be on social media for a while) -

'heads up all women, I've been in a relationship with this man for 4 years. He told me his parents didn't approve as an excuse to keep us quiet. He has been texting other women. I'm done. Just putting this here incase he is fucking anyone else about in the same way. Toodles'.

Because I have a feeling he is telling other women the same story he is telling you. Or plans too given the chance.

You didn't mess up.

He was - and still is - a total prick.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you everyone. The thing I feel most sad about is that I've wasted 4 years of my life, don't get me wrong, we had some fun times but it was always tinged with the niggling doubt about his motives. I am a busy person with work etc so the time just flew and the longer it went on the more I thought I can't quit because I'd invested so much time. Go figure?! Self esteem wise I possibly need to work on that, I'm a confident person in general and speak my mind. Maybe I need to reinforce my boundaries more moving forward and stop making excuses for people who know exactly what their doing. Would love to do the Facebook thing however we have a number of mutual friends and many are clients of mine so probably won't. Tbh I'm now happy in the knowledge that he's lost a hell of a lot more than I have by being a spineless prick and that's karma enough.
Thank you all so so much, you have given me the kick up the bum I needed and given me the confidence to know it's not me.Time to fix the crown and move the hell on.

Good to hear op.
Ditch the chancer and inwards and upwards,!

Or *onwards even xD

The oppressive weight on your shoulders, that I think you've been ignoring, is going to be gone once you dump this man, I guarantee it. You have a whole new, bright future waiting for.

@bunnymummy inwards, upwards, onwards, just never backwards 😊
@Aquamarine trying to ignore it for too long. Thank you 😊