Letting friends go

[LimeLemonOrange]

I'm feeling very sad about the state of some of my friendships. When my DS was 18 months we moved to a new town and made friends with a fantastic group of people. We had lots of fun at weekends eating and drinking while our DCs played.

Eventually our DCs became teens and didn't want to join us any more. I then saw a much boozier side to some of these friends, with children now older, two of the couples would drink to oblivion. I didn't feel this was my scene so pulled away a little but still kept in touch and socialised occasionally.

With lockdown my family meets this group of families for a weekly quiz over video call. But over the last few months, and previous few years, whenever I've made an effort to text some of these friends, or arrange coffees (pre lockdown) to keep in touch, I haven't really got much back.

During lockdown two of the friends have not replied to messages, or shown any interest in how I am. I mentioned over group chat that I'd got a new job and nobody responded.

I'm thinking of leaving the quiz as it's making me sad to meet people who don't care about me. It would make me sad to split from my friends but I wonder if it's time to move on.

Does anyone have experience of breaking up with a group of friends? Is it the right thing to do, or should I be working at it more to make it right?

They sound like alcoholics.

I think it's a strange time right now. We don't know how individuals are coping
Wait until this is over then see how it goes. Having said that it's always good to make new friends
There is too much time to over focus at the moment

You say you pulled away a little so they may have sensed this and feel a bit offended. I’m a bit confused as to whether you still Want to be friends with them or not. If you do still want to then pulling a way is not the best way to go about it. You need to either reconnect fully or make new friends. Do you want to be friends with some of them and not others? I understand not feeling comfortable around total piss heads but sometimes it’s difficult to be ‘in’ with some and the rest are out. It can cause tensions in the group. What is it you actually want to do?

ilikemethewayiam you ask good questions, thank you, it's helpful for me to try to think about it that way round, what do I want, rather than just feeling hurt and rejected.

I think what I did want was for them to respect that I didn't drink like them, and be willing to see me in contexts other than boozy parties, I'd suggested coffees in town, and other activities but none were ever followed up. Not all the group members are such big drinkers and I used to meet one non boozy woman for cuppas, but she's pulled away too, eg she didn't invite me to any of her 50th celebrations, though I've no idea if she just celebrated with her family in the end (she'd said she'd organise something but didn't ever get in touch).

I'll spend some time thinking re what outcome I want - it's a bit confusing at the moment as I'm feeling hurt, rejected and unliked.

It sounds like you feel as if the friendship is one-sided and that you are putting in effort and getting not much back. Then you finish with 'should I be working at it more...?'.

It takes 2 people to make a friendship. You could, and probably should, raise it with your friends that you don't feel that you are getting much back from them. Then see if things change. However, you may not feel comfortable with that. In which case you should probably let the friendships drift a bit. In my experience, being in a one-sided friendship can have a really negative impact on your self-esteem.

Some people only like socialising when there’s booze involved. I would try to find friends who are more the “meeting for coffee” type.

My own group of friends have a WhatsApp group but I don’t contribute to it often as I’m not the kind of person who looks at my phone much and also life is so boring atm I don’t feel I have much to add. They may well think I’m being unfriendly but it’s just that I prefer face to face communication. I hate talking on the phone too.

MaryHadALittleHam you're right about it being a strange time, everything's a bit intense. In my more positive moments I feel like this is a good time to re-evaluate friendships and let go of ones that aren't working.

But in other moments I feel heartbroken that the various friendships in the group haven't worked out, and also can feel paranoid that I'm unlikeable.

I suppose it's a bit like a break up process, all a bit painful, but without any honest conversations or arguments, so I have no insight into how these friends feel about me or perceive me.

They might feel like you are boring/look down on them for the heavy drinking? I'm not saying you are or do, but people sometimes feel challenged/defensive when someone doesn't find boozing the funnest funniest thing evah.

If they are including you in the quizzes and chats, it sounds like they regard you as a friend, but just not a close friend. Can you accept them as that or are you only interested in being friends with people you can have a clsoer connection with?

If I was one of the friends and I'd noticed you'd initially pulled back I'd probably be offended and then wonder what you were bothering with the contact for, maybe they think you only contact them when you've got nothing better to do or something? Or maybe they do find you boring since you don't enjoy what they enjoy or whatever. I'd probably just give it up. You don't have similar interests. It sounds as though you're just maintaining contact out of politeness really.

It's hard, but you seem like you have made a decision already. And the lack of shared interest is more than enough reason to pull back. Just trust your own instinct on this.
I would be wary of statements like this though: -
'In other moments I feel heartbroken that the various friendships in the group haven't worked out, and also can feel paranoid that I'm unlikeable.' This just simply isn't true. The fact that these friendships have probably served their course does not mean anything about your own likeability and the women in this group don't define whether you are a likeable person. Just let the group go, who knows who might turn up in your life next.

The friendship has probably run its course. Much better to recognise this now and remember the good times than try to force it to be something it’s not. Your kids are older. You are moving into a new stage in life. I’m a great believer in creating space in your life for new things to happen and new people to share experiences with.

I'm in a very similar position, OP.

I'm part of a friendship group and am not much of a drinker - the rest of them love nothing more than to sit and get absolutely pissed (I'm not criticising; that's their decision and they enjoy it. Live and let live).

Each time we meet up it's the same old stories over and over again. We're in a WhatsApp group chat and there are times when I'm completely ignored, for example I'll ask a question, get no response then someone else says something and the conversation flows again it sometimes feels like they're all having a private joke, if that makes sense.

I'm scared to pull away because I don't exactly have a massive selection of friends, but I do sometimes wonder if this group has run its course. It's a bitter pill to swallow and I don't think I have the guts to do it.

They're 'old friends' and I wonder is bailing out the stupid thing to do? How many chances do we give these things?

This stuff is so difficult IME. Can I just caution about having the conversation where you say you're not getting much back? IME, and in those I've heard about, it rarely goes well. People can take it very personally. I think generally people don't say "Yes, you're quit. e right. I'll put that right". People tend to be invested in a position where the way they handle friendships is fine, and get defensive about any suggestion to the contrary. Backing off, whilst not exactly satisfactory, is not confrontational

I think the whole WhatsApp group for friendship groups has meant that many groups that might have naturally drifted apart in the old days when people gradually stopped meeting up are now going on long past their sell by date.

I've felt that with some of my groups of friends - especially the ones where people seem happy enough to carry on the chat but never, ever want to meet up in person. Or ones where clearly a couple of the people are closer and meet up regularly, but the rest don't. It means that a few of the groups have a really odd dynamic.

I think the whole WhatsApp group for friendship groups has meant that many groups that might have naturally drifted apart in the old days when people gradually stopped meeting up are now going on long past their sell by date.

That's a really interesting point.

DarrellRiversTuckBox sorry to hear you're in a similar position. It's tricky isn't it?

So many interesting points and perspectives from you all, you've all given me lots to think about, thank you.

onemouseplace that's a very good point about the WhatsApp groups.

I've been thinking more as the day goes by and realised that actually I was probably ok with the situation pre-lockdown - we didn't have a WhatsApp group then and we'd just naturally drifted away from each other, just bumping into each other at parties or local events here and there. I did have some residual hurt from a sense I'd been dumped but I was getting on with other parts of my life.

It's lockdown that's brought all the feelings back up again as this WhatsApp group was newly created, along with the weekly quiz and I feel I'm part of it but not valued or liked or acknowledged. I'm surprised me and my family were even invited, though I think it's more for my DH than me. I think he's still 'in' and I'm 'out' but obviously that's impossible so we're kind of both half in half out of the group.

As the day wears on I think I'm going to pull back from the quiz and the WhatsApp group and let these friendships drift naturally and focus on strengthening other friendships away from this group of people. I'll still be polite to the group, there are various annual parties and although I've simplified this as one group, there are lots of couples and sub groups so I'll still bump into them, but I'm going to try and reframe them in my mind as old friends I'm polite to rather than current friends to make an effort with.