Very short background history
Married 4 years together 6 emotionally abusive on his part ( I am starting counselling specifically to this after calling Domestic Abuse service and being referred. I had been receiving general counselling already)
Blamed for his infidelity (Not my fault I know but its there)
Separated for 5 months but he maintained contact and I accepted it on a support/friendship basis initially particularly after lockdown as I was not coping emotionally. Wrong person but I did what I thought right for me at the time
As lockdown has been easing I have been meeting him for socially distancing walks. In the earlier part we talked daily, messaged, I supported him (he is an ICU nurse) and vice versa and we even chatted about the marriage what had gone wrong why he cheated and whether it could ever be right again. I clearly have feelings for him still and maybe the isolation and general weirdness of this situation made my usual guard drop. I was enjoying his company (when we get on it amazing). I did notice though he had periods of disappearing but put it down to work and assignment pressures. He also had odd occasions where he would become moody but again I assumed it was the stress. I supported him with his application for his first nurse post (newly qualified) and was so proud when he got the post. Then he went awol for two days. Thing like that.
We went for a walk on Wednesday and he seemed a bit off. I was chatting about lots of things and I was getting little back so I asked why. He told me I was being pushy so I changed the subject. We were on a new walk and there was a fishing lake nearby so I said, I think Ive been here that lake looks familiar. He knows my ex (10 years ago) liked fishing and snapped back oh is this happy memories. I obviously said no just an observation but this seemed to anger him. I then talked about a festival I was due to go to that had been cancelled and he asked who the bands were and when I mentioned the first immediately became dismissive and Im afraid instead of ignoring I took the bait and started arguing back. Earlier in the week I had been asked by a friend if I was still seeing him as he had been seen around with a girl which technically was not my business other than I had asked him if he was seeing anyone else a few times just to make sure I was protecting myself emotionally and physically (covid). So probably awful timing I asked him directly which he denied but it lead to the escalation of his anger. Suddenly I was the bad guy again, all the same stuff being thrown round about me causing his cheating, me not changing and him storming off. I know I should have just stopped it but I was angry.
I sat for about 20 minutes in tears and then got a text from the same friend have you seen your husbands status of facebook. We arent FB friends so no but I looked and of course there it was 'in a relationship'. I have never been so angry it was scary. I completely lost it. It felt like all those betrayals and all that hurt suddenly rush at me from inside and I was physically sick and shaking. I messaged him - why. His reply - You made my decision by being the way you are. So that meant he had been thinking about our marriage. And then I messaged her. Not because I'm a nasty person I'm not. It was a complete knee jerk reaction. I simply said good luck hope he treats you better than the way hes been treating me recently. She called and of course it then all went very bad. How was I to know he had been seeing her since February and she had no idea he was married, (he told her I was a crazy ex who stalked him). I told her we had been seeing each other but not in a relationship though we had been talking and texting about moving forward. Had he told me he was in a relationship obviously none of this would have happened. I would have left well enough alone, been able to continue with my healing and moved on. She of course was devastated not least because her mum passed away a month ago which is where the guilt comes in. Of course I didn't know this. And I just added to all that. Before I knew that she obviously asked about him and our marriage and I was truthful. He had lied about his past, his children the lot but that's him).
She dumped him and I am now on the receiving end of his anger. Its of course all my fault. Ive blocked him but he arrived at the house to collect the rest of the stuff and demanded the marriage certificate so he could divorce me which I gave him because I didn't want the hassle. I feel like I've been run over by a bus emotionally and whilst I know I have been played and this is what he is I feel guilty I messaged this poor woman and I feel stupid I allowed myself to be used by him yet again. I'm glad I've got the more specific counselling as there is obviously a lot more going on for me to look at. I cant change what I did but I'm not proud of causing someone more hurt. I guess Im just venting and trying to understand how I became that person as this behaviour is not in my nature at all.