How often to see MIL?

[Uptonogoodtoo]

Mil lives about 40 mins away. She is in her 70s but is fit and healthy for her age and drives. DH is an only child and we have three school age children. I’m never quite sure how regular the visits should be either mil coming here or going there. Any thoughts?
Obviously I’m referring to normal times, not at the moment.

Surely it depends on how well you get on and what else you/DH do and other responsibilities you have?

My parents live a similar distance away. When the apocalypse isn’t on we see them around once a week, sometimes we go to them and sometimes they come here. Separate to that my mum comes to stay for four days or so around every four to six weeks (she’s often poorly so it gives my dad a bit of a break from looking after her and means she can enjoy being with us without having to travel a lot back and forth).

Husband works full time. We have three children and so life is busy. Mil and I don’t have the best relationship but DH has an ok relationship with her. Not exceptionally close but not uncomfortable either. I was just wondering how often others see their inlaws.
My parents live much further away and so we see them prob 2/3 times a year.

It's got to be whatever you feel is appropriate, there's no hard and fast rule.

It only being 40 minutes I'd say once a week if not more if you all get on well.

We normally see MIL twice a week and she lives about the same distance away.

Once a week would be probably be every weekend. As weekdays are taken up with work, dinner, children’s activities etc. It’s about 1 1/2 hours in the car there and back which is a lot to add on to a weekday eve. So weekends are generally easier. I think every weekend is too much and obvs it’s our choice. Just wanted to see what others did.

Twice a month or once a month.

My MIL lives 3 hours away and we see her maybe every 2 - 3 months. You have your own lives / children and it’s not really practical to go there and back in the week if you are working etc.

Once a fortnight would be my absolute maximum for seeing either my parents or my in-laws - I like them well enough, but my H and I don't even see friends that often - we're quite homey people. We've got our first child on the way and I'm going to up the visits to both sets of grandparents while I'm on maternity (lockdown willing) so that they can start developing a relationship, but not sure how that will change when I go back to work.

When I was a kid I saw one set of grandparents perhaps twice a year (4 hours drive away), and the other set three or four times (1 hour drive away). Whatever's right for your family.

Once a fortnight when she spoke to us, we would go there. Now she doesn't, never. She thinks she's got us good by not speaking to us when really she did us a favour.

My husbands parents live around 100 miles away. They're in their 70's/80's so can't really come to us. We try to see them around every 6 weeks and will stay for the weekend. But we always FaceTime at least once a week too. I don't want them not to be close with my son just because we live far away.

We usually see MIL regularly, once a week at least, obviously not at the moment. The only advice I would give don’t make it a regular day unless you are happy to stick with it, of course, as otherwise it could become an issue in future. My MIL expects things to be set in stone and would be upset if we needed to change the day or miss a week for some reason, only you know whether this could be a problem for your MIL.

Yes I don’t want to get into the habit of it being a certain day or every weekend. Realistically, it at least 2-3 hours taking into account the 90 min travelling time. I think every week is too much. But didn’t want my relationship with mil too cloud what is fair. She lives on her own but in a small village with friends around her normally.
Dh isn’t sure either. Maybe every 3 weeks.

Given it's weekend only visiting, and presumably ends up taking up most of a day, I would say once a month or once every three weeks as a baseline. Lots of variables like what other weekend commitments /ambitions you have, whether visits are relaxing or stressful and willingness/ability to alternate who does the travel. I suspect even every other week on a regular basis may become quite suffocating to your free time unless you could mutually agree visit timings not to take out the whole day.

Visits don’t take up the whole day, but they definitely take a chunk of it. Sometimes DH will go on his own. Maybe on a sun eve, but then I’m left doing all the organising and sorting for the week ahead as well as getting the children to bed.

The days and weekends seem to fly by.

Mil also prefers visits rather than visiting. I’m trying to change that and think the ending of lockdown Is a good point to implement new ways of doing things.

I'm in a similar situation, MIL lives 3 hours away though but with friends around her. We've never set a pattern of once a month/every 3 weeks as I'd find that would be too claustrophobic to do with anyone. We just suggest visits as and when unless there's an event we're meeting up for. My husband is very close to her but I find her overbearing and smothering but I still keep it in mind to suggest we see her, just not on a fixed basis.
Sometimes its twice in close succession, sometimes only every 2-3 months depending on what we all have going on. She'd live with us if she could so this works fine for me!

We only visit every 2-3 mths. Its a 3hr round trip, so we often stay overnight & make a weekend of it, or go Friday night, stay, spend part of Saturday & return home. We then have sat evening & all Sunday to do our own thing.

Would that be an option and then not visit as often?

My in laws live around 25/30 mins drive away. We generally see them on a Sunday as it’s my partners only weekend day off. Sometimes they come to us sometimes we go to them. Not always every week but they are also understanding that we have our own life as do they.
My grandparents like a similar drive away and I see them on a Saturday if I’m not at work.
I work shifts so often have days off to myself in the week and that’s when I see my friends.
Whatever suits your family life is the right amount.

I can give the MIL view! My son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter live about half an hour away. I love them all dearly and we get on well - have been on holidays together - and I see them once every couple of months. We text and Skype when we're in the mood (weekly?) which keeps us all updated on news. It works for us. As they are your husband's parents perhaps he could take your children to visit them now and then without you?

If you left it to DH to organize, how often would the visits be?

As long as the answer isn't every day, go by that.

My DM and MIL are both 2 hours away. Pre lockdown it was every couple of months. More if there was an issue or one of them was unwell always my DM

I don't think I'd be expecting someone in their 70s to drive 40 minutes there and back in a day, unless it was early 70s and they were superfit.

Considering the busyness of your family life, I would say every three weeks ish. But it does depend on what she brings to the children's lives and how much your husband enjoys her company. Him going there by himself sometimes sounds a good idea but get him to go earlier so that he can help you with the Sunday evening jobs .

If MIL can drive then maybe she could come over after school one evening for dinner and the nect visit you go to hers so it's not all one way traffic and evening visits are time limited so her coming to you makes more sense and frees up some weekend visits.
Is there a cafe/ park/garden centre half way ish which could also be meeting up point ? Visits for me don't always need to be at each others houses

I’m thinking about every 2-3 weeks. We only have weekends free and even then they’re taken up with jobs, children’s activities etc. I don’t feel it’s necessary to use a chunk of those days every week visiting mil. She loves the children, but I don’t particularly enjoy her company and that won’t change. But I didn’t want that to cloud what is reasonable. She does come to ours sometimes, but much prefers people visiting her. She can’t relax in other people’s houses and needs to be doing something.

I think once every 6 weeks is good. Once every 2-3 weeks is too much. Remember kids will have parties, activities, etc, so every 2-3 weeks might not work. Perhaps sometimes she can visit. She has more time, I assume she’s retired, and is currently able to get out and about.

My ILs are 1 hour away on a good day. We see them every 6 weeks or so.