Emotional abuse and middle class families

[Yorkshirelass04]

Hi everyone.

I'm just wondering if there is already a discussion on people's experiences being part of a middle class family but suffering trauma from family members? I know class is a debatable term but what I am trying to convey is that I had materially everything I wanted and needed and did not struggle in many ways, but I am now as an adult realising I am a bit damaged. I'm ok, and working through things. It's mainly my parents personalities and outbursts that weigh on my mind a lot as I get older. They just weren't always kind.
I'm just interested if anyone else is dealing with elements of their upbringing despite being in a 'privileged' background.

Well yes. Have a look on the stately homes threads.

Class is no barrier to abuse.

There are abusers in all walks of life OP.

People can have home comforts and all the money in the world, and still be subjected to abuse in other ways.

Hopefully others will be along to advise.

Thanks I will have a look at the stately home thread. Fairly new to MN.

I guess I'm only coming to realise a few things because I've always been told I'm 'lucky' in so many ways - education and travel etc. Some parents raise children who like themselves and that wasn't me for a long time.

Its certainly easier to for some forms of child abuse fo fly under the radar in middle class families. I had food, clothing, went to school everyday, medical care etc. However, I was quite neglected growing up. DF was angry and shouty, DM was jealous when I reached puberty and would slap me in frustration. Physical injuries were appropriately treated but the flu and chest infections were ignored and written off as attention seeking. Me and DB have dental issues due to poor diet growing up - I think if we had been overweight more questions would have been asked. I had clean clothing and appropriate uniform but was only allowed 2 outfits that I had to wear on rotation (DM had so many clothes she took up 2-3 wardrobes and chest of draws) and these were always quite 'young' styles. I was sexually active very young and treated poorly by bfs- which school knew. I was also bullied which my parents didn't care about - school also knew. At about 14 DPs just stopped parenting and I worked odd jobs around school to afford clothing etc. I think DPs had not been so articulate then perhaps the school may have spotted something.

Emotional abuse can be more damaging than simple physical neglect or poverty, OP. It can cause lasting psychological damage, but because there are no visible scars, nobody realises you need help.
As suggested, read the stately homes thread, and have a think about whether you would like to discuss your situation with a counsellor or therapist. You could also read the book “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward.

My husband’s family have a lot to answer for. He had everything on the surface, but his parents had no idea how to parent. For example they bought him a bike but neither could be bothered to teach him how to ride it, he went to a very good school but they never showed any interest in his education. His dad in retrospect was an alcoholic and had issues with anger. He would drink, lose his temper and smash every plate in the house. He was once late picking his son up from the child under and turned up drunk and covered in blood from falling over. His mum had affairs and was not interested in hearing anything that wasn’t good news.
As a result my husband has issues with conflict and acts gets very childlike in arguments which has given us problems with communication.
I could go on at length about many other issues he has had as a result of his upbringing.
So yes, all sorts can go on behind the closed of a nice detached house.

Thanks for the responses. I'll look in detail at the stately homes threads - they are numerous aren't they!

I had controlling helicopter parents who I think had me as an extension of themselves and to see what marvellous individual they would create together. I was cared for but there was a lot of pressure; and I was only as good enough as my last achievement. To this day, I get restless if I'm not achieving. I used to draw my self worth from work, but I'm getting better.

They respect me now as I fit the definition of successful but I am introverted and on antidepressants for chronic anxiety and depression. For years I had issues with confidence and making my own decisions without consulting a million people etc.

I know they didn't like me as a teenager as they have told me that. I was kind of grumpy and withdrawn, but never naughty, and my memories are of being told off a lot.

What makes it worse is that their profession is in the social work field, it's not as though they are blind to family dynamics. They used to argue a lot - still do - I remember screaming matches at home and me asking them to stop even as a small child. I have never shouted at my partner or anyone like that.

I think it's helping just writing some of this down tbh.

@babdoc Thanks for the book recommendation.

Hi @Yorkshirelass04, it's interesting that you write about your abuse being kind of missed because you came from a middle class family. I had exactly the same experiences but came from a very poor background and nobody noticed or intervened at school at the lack of clothing, bad teeth, poor hygiene including no sanitary towels. There was also a marked difference in treatment between me and my brother who wanted for nothing. Unfortunately most abuse is hidden and unseen by others. So I don't think 'class ' has anything to do with it.

I still wonder and feel angry about the lack of outside support. My mother had two children by the time she was fifteen, my dad wasn't much older and I often think she needed a social worker and an adoption agency rather than the sympathy and pats on the back that allowed her to continue her career of abuse of us enabled by my dad who was wrapped up in his own perversions. They decided to have a third child by the time she was twenty which locked us into a childhood of poverty and neglect. We saw every aspect of their toxic relationship, violence, infidelities, pornography, everything. Some people should never be parents but who's going to stop them?

But that doesn't make it any worse than the kind of abuse you suffered. Having everything material needed as child doesn't protect you from inadequate parents. Anything that makes you feel 'less than 'is devastating to your self esteem and can have long term effects. I get the sense that you feel guilty about your background, almost like you shouldn't have any problems which isn't true.

However, it is possible to overcome a bad childhood particularly with good therapy. I hope you seek out some help and just 'get it out there '

100% yes - with you on this. Had everything material growing up. Did not realise I was in a dysfunctional family & had a narcissistic mother til now very much older. I now understand why I ended up in relationships with narcs and where I am now if life. Wish I'd seen the light & was in the head space I am now in years ago.

To the previous two posters, thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm sorry you can relate to what I have been posting. I'm sorry it was ignored too.

Clearly class doesn't discriminate when it comes to emotional issues. Perhaps in my head it has felt like I don't have a cause? I don't have any tales of hardship that I can reel off that would make anyone think my low self image was justified. I was always told I was lucky. Only child, bright, went to uni etc. All the privilege I had and still have means to me I need to suck it up, coz lots of people including yourselves have had it lots worse.

I have had some therapy for depression and anxiety, and I do see a coach. But, as I get older my past narrative gets sharper in my mind and I can see more clearly why I am like I am - if that makes sense. I have spent too much time with abusive and unworthy men (not my current partner), and my parents simply don't understand why that could have been the case.

Not to sound dramatic, but I have decided I probably won't have kids as I don't want to create another potentially unhappy person. I feel like it's possibly a selfish act to satisfy my own desires as I have felt like a project to my parents.

It can take years to fully realise what was going on, OP. It’s a bit like being in a cult - your parents effectively brainwashed you to believe their version of reality. They have painted you as ungrateful, spoilt, moaning about nothing, etc. It’s difficult as a child to argue with parental authority figures, or to assert your own needs.
I was 35 before I finally realised it was them, not me, who was the problem. I went no contact with them at that point and never regretted it.
I did decide to have children - I have two DDs - and I used my parents as role models for how NOT to raise children! They are adults now and we have a loving, happy relationship. My sister, who suffered worse than me in our childhood (father used to drag her by her hair and beat her with a horse whip) decided not to have children, as she like you, feared repeating the pattern of abuse.
The decision on children is of course yours, but make the choice that is right for you - don’t let your parents dictate your future as well as your past.
My best wishes for your escape from the damage, inappropriate guilt, fear, and sense of obligation inflicted by your parents, and may you find peace and resolution. God bless.

I'll just echo what Babdoc said OP. I didn't particularly want kids because of a lot of the treatment I got but ds is just the best thing ever for me and I'm nothing like my parents as a parent myself. If you've noticed their pattern of poor behaviour you won't replicate it in all likelihood - so there is hope. Work it through with a therapist and see where you are. I got a lot of emotional abuse and was the scapegoat. I was told many times 'after all we've done for you' when I put in boundaries. I still smart from being a part of that family even though I'm no contact. But I've built a good life and I'm a caring wife and Mum. You can come through this.

@Babdoc, brainwashing is exactly what it is. I am sure the Op has been trained to feel guilty about her 'privileged' background but it's irrelevant.
Abuse is abuse is abuse. Although I can now see and articulate that my childhood was very wrong it's only through talking therapy and healing that I realized that. It seemed normal to me. The trauma doesn't have to be dramatic to be valid. There isn't a scale of how bad it has to be to be damaging Op. I have found that you need to be selective in the people you share your experiences with. Some, particularly family, will be dissmissive or want to play it down. Save it for the people who are able to understand and validate your experiences.

@Yorkshirelass04, you say you were driven to achieve by helicopter parenting, I had the same compulsion, only mine was because I was trying to be noticed. Same outcome, different background. I have also had bouts of chronic anxiety. One thing I would say though is introversion is a personality preference not a disorder. I was relentlessly criticised for being an introvert as a child which led me to develop awful social anxiety as a teenager. My whole family were introverts so go figure! I have come to appreciate and accept my introversion now. It's who I am.

Dacquoise I was also criticised by my mum for being an introvert, she was an introvert herself and I think she'd hoped I'd be different.

I remember watching the film Betty Blue with her and her telling me she wished I was more bold like the protagonist. All I can remember now about that film is how the main character had mental health issues and gouged out her own eye!

As well as telling me how I 'should be' and criticising my introvert nature, she made it clear how disappointed she was that I'm short. It was confusing because in other ways she made me feel very loved, and the narrative was that we were best friends, yet I felt (and still feel) that I was never good enough and that she wanted me to be someone else.

@LimeLemonOrange, yup that's what they do isn't it. Criticise you and make you paranoid about the traits they dislike in themselves. My daughter is an introvert and I went out of my way, albeit discreetly, to make it seem perfectly normal, which it is. There's a book, I think it's called The Power of Quiet, which is very insightful about the difficulties that introverts face in an extrovert world. I recommend it. However, part of the process of healing from abuse is just to accept yourself. To rewrite the script you were given by dysfunctional inadequate parents. You are good enough, all of you.

Thanks dacquise. Wise words.

My pleasure. We're in this together to paraphrase current circumstances.

My husband has narcissistic parents. He never wanted for anything really, but has still been brainwashed and emotionally abused. It reached breaking point when he met me.

In fact, my MIL has actually used material things to control, manipulate & create tensions. It is the thing she defaults to. It ranges from “Oh look what I bought you!!” (most often said in front of other people) to buying our children budget things, whilst getting top of the range equivalents for her other grandchildren. It’s been heartbreaking to watch.

I really hope this does not affect your choice to have children. You’ve identified the issues from your past and I am sure you can take those experiences and make sure they’re not replicated, especially if you discuss it with your partner.

@Dacquoise as another poster said - very wise words.

I've seen that book in the past, but forgotten about it, thanks for reminding me of it, I'll look it up again and buy it this time.

You're right about self acceptance, it's not always easy and can ebb and flow, but it's the right way to go.

Thanks all for your thoughtful posts. MN really is a wonderful place for these sorts of discussions.

I totally get that introversion is a personality preference and I do embrace it now. I'm just trying to work out why my parents were so angry with me as a teenager, all I remember was being told off for being rude / non-communicative etc.

I should balance this by saying that they were and still are really kind, for example birthday parties, trips to the cinema, etc. No stately homes as far as I remember though! :) they have also paid for my education and house deposit.
Some examples that I recall:

• being on holiday in California and my parents not talking to me for a whole day because of something I'd said, or not said, my mum crying in the car because she was disappointed in my attitude.
• seeing an email my mum had sent to her cousin saying 'she's not the biggest brain box but she'll get into uni'. Why couldn't she be proud?
• reading my diaries and throwing them away.
• basically every time I looked or spoke to my parents in a way they didn't like, the whole day was taken up with crying and rows about how unreasonable I am.
• being told I was a horrible person coz I was less than enthusiastic about playing the flute at my mums birthday party in front of her friends
• my mum had this weird thing where she would shout at me and make me cry, and then cuddle me and rock back and forth. Then she was start a conversation about periods and using it as a bonding session. I was just so confused.

It is worth mentioning that when I left home my mum had an affair and they split up and got back together again. I was dragged into every minutae of their split and my dad being in pieces. I ended up being the adult in more than one scenario. I understand shit happens but I also feel this has contributed to my resentment because they made me feel like they were perfect and I was a problem when in reality we're all human.

Yorkshirelass I'm working my way through The Compassionate Mind workbook by Chris Irons and Elaine Beaumont. I'm really hard on myself after my upbringing and the book is helping me understand why I react the way I do. And it's helping me to be compassionate to myself (empathy and love were missing in my home with the exception of my loving grandmother)