"Friend"

[arianwe]

I've been friends with the girl I'm about to speak about for 25 years. We are now 30. She has always admitted that she is a jealous person, however it definitely wasn't something I noticed until I got pregnant 4 years ago.

She started to make comments about how I would put on loads of weight, would lose my figure, how it's hard work having a baby, I'd never get any sleep (not untrue!!) and how I'd lose friends. I put it down to jealousy as her and partner started trying for a baby when I got pregnant, but unfortunately it didn't happen.

We bought a house during first pregnancy and when she came over to see it, she said it was nice but that it could do with an extension on it, another conservatory and said if we had any more kids that we would need to add another room on so they could have a play room.

She hardly messaged after that and just before due date she got in touch again to say that she'd been having a tough time and needed to get her head around things and said she was sorry if she'd been a bit weird recently.

Since the baby I saw her maybe once a month, which Is fine. I understand it happens when one of you doesn't have a child. She was fine though and no more nasty comments made.

When I got pregnant for the second time, it all started again. While pregnant, I arranged a meal for her 30th birthday. It was then mine & another friends turn to have a joint birthday meal a month later. She text about a week before saying she doubted it would go ahead as no one could be bothered as we'd all seen each other recently. On the morning of the meal, she text to say she hopes we wouldn't be there long as she didn't really want to go.

Since I've had the baby, it's just been constant negative texts. Anything I say to her such as "really want a coffee but everything shut due to lockdown", she will text a couple of days later saying "hate to tell you, but I've just got a takeaway coffee ;)", I mentioned my eldest Daughter had been having loads of tantrums and she says "my friend says girls are way worse, her Daughter is 8 and still awful and you've got 2 girls so you're going to have hell. Good luck". Just really pathetic stuff.

She is unhappy in her life and has been with her partner for 12 years. They haven't got any children and he has a drug problem. She had always viewed everyone else's lives with rose tinted glasses and I suspect this is the issue. She has told me she feels like she's so far behind everyone else as all her friends have children, a house, jobs they enjoy etc. She really has been such a good friend until I had children, and I really don't know what to do. I'm so sick of texting her back and then waiting for a response that I know is going to p*ss me off. I've never said anything horrible to her and have pretty much just taken everything she has said to me. Do I keep giving her chances? Do I tell her how I feel, or is it just time to call it a day and cut her off? I valued her as a friend so much until the past few years and it would be a real shame for it to be over, but maybe it is time. Opinions please?

OP.. do not hide your like to please your 'friend' FFS ...

talk about your kids.. your days... your family life .. you cannot hide in a corner because your so called friend is 'jealous'.. she's been doing this to you for years.. not a few weeks.. she's nasty

and talk about your KIDS... you hide your kids from NOBODY ...

life

@Perch I'm not totally sure why I let her treat me like this. I think because she was a such a good friend, and I know that she would be genuinely upset if I pulled her up on these things. She would be mortified, but then it is her own fault.

@BumbleBeee69 You are so right about not sharing my life with her. When she has said something horrible in the past, that's exactly what I have done. I don't send any texts first, I only respond and don't give any info about what's going on in my life so that she can't say anything negative about it. After a few nights of this, she will suddenly start messaging loads and I eventually crack and start talking like normal again. Will have to try harder this time as I think it's time to distance myself a bit more from her.

@llady She split up from him about a year ago and moved out. She told me he was ignoring her messages but she kept trying to get in touch with him. I guess deep down she just really wanted it to work. After about 6 months, she started meeting up with him again and they got back together. Nothing has changed though and he still does Cocaine every single night.

I'm going against what some PP's are saying here. Lots of people are unhappy about aspects of their lives and manage not to be arseholes to their friends. I could understand being sympathetic to her unpleasant behaviour if it was a one-off, but she's been behaving this way for years. I'd step away without having a heart to heart. Given her frequent negative comments about your life I think it's fair to assume she'd just play the victim and get offended if you attempted to explain how you feel.

I would stop making effort. Let the friendship drift.

When you do interact, don't let her away with her bullshit - with the take away coffee example say something like 'sounds as though you're trying to make me jealous...why be so mean?'. When she suggests improvements on a new house say, 'gosh, I wasn't expecting you to be so negative, it's what we can afford and we love it, feels like you want to take the shine off it for us'.

I appreciate she's your friend and at the moment her life is perhaps not perfect for her, but you're not her emotional whipping boy.

I have a similar situation. My best friend of 25 years - we are 36 - has been hostile to me since I got together with my partner 4 years ago. We were single for years living together and were both so so worried we would never meet anyone to have kids with, but I did and she hasn't yet. I think on an unconscious level she feels abandoned by me. She told me before I became pregnant that she has been deeply depressed and that she wanted to get our friendship back but it's not easy to rebuild closeness especially when our lives have diverged so much. But it was her that I called when I miscarried my first pregnancy last year and she was there for me. She is a midwife so I called her in a state when I started bleeding. She hadn't known I was pregnant. It was a painful shock to her I think that I got to 12 weeks and hadn't told her but why would I tell someone who always cut me down?

I really feel for your friend, when I was 30 I was trying to make a relationship work with a fundamentalist Christian- and I am NOT Christian - because I was convinced it was my last chance at kids. So I can imagine why she is staying with a drug addict. She must be so anxious about where her life will go.

So my advice is don't totally let go of your friend. Childhood friendships are precious. But play the long game, it may take her years and years to get into a place where you can be proper friends. Don't be too full on with asking her about herself and why she has been nasty- she might find it almost impossible to confide in someone who has everything she desperately wants as she feels worlds away from you.

It's difficult to have sympathy for someone who is being horrible to you, I'm still very angry at my friend for punishing me with hostility because she is jealous of me. But at the same time I think both our friends are in an existential crisis - they are grappling with dreadful questions like "don't I deserve love, or a family? Is there something wrong with me? Will I die alone? Do I dare leave this man if it means I will be alone and childless? Can we make it work? Why can my friends have these things but not me? It's not fair!" So give her a bit of leeway for bad behaviour even if it's really hurtful. And be prepared to step back from the relationship and wait a long time for her to change. Let her know you're there for her. And if she will open up to you support her to know she doesn't need to stay with this guy, she will find another.

Men are famous for their extreme behaviour in midlife crises when they realise they are not young and certain opportunities aren't open to them any more. Based on nothing except my own experience I think women have similarly extreme crises if they realise they might not have children. In a way it's the same crisis.

I’d not cut her off op, you’ve known her since she was five, and it’s a rare friendship that lasts since small children into adult hood.

I cut back on a 40 year friendship a couple of years ago, she's since cut me off as she didn't want the terms of the friendship to change, and I'm relieved she did as I was only going through the motions. I cut back because she was like your friend in many ways, not with me but with our mutual friends. This wasn't connected to infertility. She just had a jealous and unpleasant streak and I peaked.

I feel really sorry for her to be honest. I'm not trying to excuse her meanness. More just feel for her as she has obviously been TTC for many many years and watching everyone around her have their families is hurting her.

I agree that it might be worth having an honest conversation where you say you seem really unhappy and I was wondering if I can do anything?would be the most compassionate act to honour the friendship. If you don't want to do this then putting her on the back burner would be fine too.

Eugh negative and bitter and now not a friend at all. Cut ties with her.

it's not OP's responsibility to repair her friend ...

When I was pregnant I sent a friend a picture of my bump (I was about 38 weeks) and she just replied ‘you look like the back end of a bus’🙃🙃🙃 - it’s jealousy 100%

Just talk to her before chucking it all away. There is nothing to lose by being honest.

@milcmxxx oh wow. I can't believe people have the balls to be so rude!! Who even thinks it's ok to say that, no matter how jealous they are!

I've just thought of another thing my friend has said. All my friends are engaged, including her. This year she started asking me if I was bothered that my partner hadn't proposed to me yet, I genuinely have never even thought about getting married, so I told her this. She responded telling me she would be really upset if she had been with someone for years and had kids and wasn't even engaged. (She has been engaged to her partner for about 10 years and no plans to actually get married). The day before valentines she messaged saying "I wonder if this will be the year that he will finally propose to you. Eek I hope so. I could do with a wedding", then messaged valentines asking if he had proposed.

The more I read all this, the more I realise that she is treating me like complete shit and actually I deserve better. I'm not going to confront her but I won't be getting in touch any more. As some of you have said, hopefully she will return to normal when she leaves her partner and is happy again in her life.

Shes very jealous of you. Doesn't mean she can be a dick, tell her how you feel. It's not your fault her life has not planned out as she wanted.

Good on you OP.. you cannot fix a bitter personality.. but you can stop yourself being used .. she's puts you down to elevate herself... she's a bitch... well done in deciding to get shot