I'm sorry this is so long but I feel I have no one to ask for advice.
I met my partner last August, I had had a crush on him for a long time. Always seen him around and thought he was quite lovely. Last August it just happened. We got talking, he asked me out. From that moment on we were madly in love. The kind where it's just magical. It felt like nothing I've known before to be in love like that.
I was always cautious about who I let in because I have a daughter who is almost 10 and it was always just me and her. My partner also has a daughter the same age, and things really couldn't have been better.
I knew where he worked when I met him and it didn't bother me at all. But as time went on, I realised he had terrible attitude towards money and no drive to change his work situation (which he detested and complained about all the time). He believes he is paying too much child support to his ex partner, and on top of that he has committed to extra spending for contract phones for his daughter too. He earns a meager wage and this overcommitting himself financially has meant he has lived at home with his parents since his breakup 9 years ago.
To begin with I didn't mind that, or I didn't see it, because we were so in love. Then one day it just panicked me. I couldn't see a future with someone who's present is so undecided and his attitude towards fixing it didn't help. His ex-partner also stopped him from seeing his daughter because he was with me. This devastates him every day and I always stood back to let them have their time, where it was needed. But the mum still kept her away. Again he has never pursued any official schedule through a solicitor to sort this out.
I think this began to weigh so heavily on my conscience too.
With all of this on my mind, you can imagine my shock and worry when I found out I was pregnant in January. From the moment I found out I was worried sick because I felt like although he would be over the moon, I'd be the one to be responsible for this little baby financially. I had such a hard life as single mum and feared I was in the same place again, even though I loved this man and he worshipped me. Something made me worry.
I miscarried at almost 9 weeks and he was there with me the whole time. I blame myself for worrying so much.
We never really talked about it after, but it burned it my head and this awful experience that although he was there for, he couldn't understand. I think I blamed him a bit too.
I broke up with him in March and it was so difficult. Part of me felt relief because my worries left me. But I missed him too.
Because of Covid we couldn't see each other properly. We met up at the beginning of this month to talk in a park. He was devastated we broke up. I had been running around feeling nothing. I lost the baby and I also lost my grandmother who raised me in 2018, somehow all of this has come falling down on me at the one time and I feel nothing.
We agree to try again, and for a week it was wonderful. Blissful. Full of hope and talks of our future again.
And then I get that feeling of worry again, like I can't trust he wants to make the changes in his life that will give him happiness and in turn, have a positive effect on our relationship. I tell him this and regretfully...we are over. Again.
I am so confused. I have so many feelings. I love him but it's clouded over by all of these other things. He isn't on social media a lot, but he posted for the first time in a year the other day, indirectly, that we had broken up. It cut through me like a knife.
And to add to my confusion, my pill failed. I am pregnant, two positive tests so far. I had only been taking it since February.
I don't know how I've ended up here or what to do. I know he's told his family we are over. I know he's heartbroken and I'm feeling it now too.
I just don't know what to do. Any help would be appreciated.
Any.