Moving in with new partner after divorce

[Pippioddstocking]

Hello wise Mumsnetters, I'm looking for your stories and experience of moving in with your new partner after divorcing your ex Husbands . I need your reassurance.

What things went well, what didn't you anticipate beforehand , what would you have done differently?

Also, is it normal to feel a little anxious about it ?

For context, been together 2 years, both have teenage children, everyone gets on well.

Thank you.

Living together is much more challenging as you don't have the space you had previously, physically and mentally.

Before moving in discuss parenting housework and finances. How will you discipline? How will finances work? What if you want to fund driving lessons but he can't afford it for his? How will you handle equality with the children. Some people believe it must be equal others have different views.

If you buy together how will you protect the chikdren inheritance vs security of the house? If he died would you be able to stay there?

2 years is just about the time when you get to know someone so listen to any doubts you have. His flaws will get worse once you are in each others space. How have you resolved issues in the past, do you communicate well, do issues get resolved or is there just silence and brushing it under the carpet.

How does he get on with the Ex? How he treats her is a good indication of how he would behave to you if you broke up.

The biggest risk is that if you buy together do you have a way to exit with big financial losses. Remove any rose tinted glasses about moving in together, be very practical and have tough conversations before going ahead. If it doesn't feel right then don't do it.

Techway, thank you for your response.

I am buying so will be solely in my name ( he owns another house that is rented out and gets a low rent house with his job). I am happier the house is in my name along with the mortgage as then I know I can't be forced to sell my home if it doesn't work out out. I've made sure I can afford the mortgage on my salary alone. He will make an equal contribution but that will go towards foid,utilities, council tax .

You raised some really good points, .

What do the children think about moving in? Will it benefit them? Will they have their own space?

If you have teenagers, think about how you will deal with disagreements between them or with you. Will you have the same style of parenting when they want to do something. Will you allow him to voice any disagreements with your teenagers and he let you voice any disagreements with his? Are all the teenagers going to be living there full time? Think about the dynamics of the young people coming and going , think about how they will feel about activities etc taking place without them. Think about routines and habits, are you both on the same page about use of tech, expectations around keeping their space tidy (my 24yr old step son lives with us and wouldn't know how to clear up if you paid him which has become a major issue) Think about when the teenagers get a bit older and your expectations of where they will live, would you cope if they end up living with you full time. Think about your relationships with the teens and with each other which become 24/7 rather than planned interactions.

If his contribution is equal to your mortgage payments, but he’s getting no benefit from the rising value of the house, then it’s not “equal” at all. It’s fair enough that he pays half the bills, but not half your mortgage costs too! Particularly if he’s able to pay a much lower rent at his work-tied property.

IMO, if you need a contribution to the house (leaving aside joint bills) then he should only be paying, as a maximum, what he’d have to pay in rent on the tied property.

I've made sure I can afford the mortgage on my salary alone. He will make an equal contribution but that will go towards foid,utilities, council tax
Sorry are you saying that he will put in the same than your mortgage but with all of it going on bills, so in all likelihood paying all of it or almost all of the bill?

If that's the case, than he is a fool to agree. You should both be paying half of all the bills.

I agree - he should be paying half of the bills and no more.

He can register an interest in your home if your in the UK. So you are not protected and if he can prove he has been paying half your leaving yourself vulnerable. I would ensure you have something legally written up that states he has no claim on your home.