How to help ex husband without helping him?

[LuxLuxLux84]

I have been separated for two years and divorce has been in process but not concluded yet mainly because of my guilt at my young children’s’ feelings. My STBXH was a real shit during our marriage- no affairs but gaslighting, verbal abuse , being incredibly mean wit his physical help when I was parenting an extremely intense autistic child and then a new baby. My life is now a real struggle mentally and physically and I fave all sorts of worries and despair about the future. I have also nursed hopes that he Might realise his part in the marriage breakdown rather than his finger wagging accusations that I have been “ completely unreasonable” have no control over my emotions etc etc . All
I have had from him have been Sleazy advances. He works as a consultant in the nhs but has no savings, lives in a rented one bedroom flat and has no friends. He has no family here. He has not told his colleagues he is separated do they all think he lives with us. I have Long been concerned that he is drinking and he has confirmed this. He hasn’t seen kids since lockdown as we talked about how he would come if he got tested etc. It’s been really hard and I’m sorry he hasn’t seen the kids but it’s been a relief not seeing him. He usually comes once A week And I Leave him My house and car As in the situation has been too
Much for my autistic child to go out (
My children love him as he is very
Affectionate and Playful with them. I am
Run ragged mentally and physically but at the same time I know my mental strength despite his suggestions that I have some kind of mood disorder . He was going to come here tomorrow but when I expressed some concern about catching it from
Him ( I’m worried as kids have no other family if I get sick) he told me he had been drinking heavily and needed to detox. I told him that I couldn’t help him and that he never appreciated any concern from
Me during our marriage ( he accused me of being controlling When I tried to suggest anything relating to self care ). I have told him it’s up to
Him and I can’t help him.
I feel bad for saying this and predict at a later date he’l Tell Me what an awful human being I am
. My tendencies are always to get inVoiced and try to help and it’s never appreciated. Does anyone have any advice- experience with an ex h letting themselves go to seed like this, successful outwardly etc and blaming his misery on you? He switches between telling me I’m a great mum, a good person etc etc to making me feel like I’m responsible for all of his miseries and everything wrong in his life and in mine. He regularly attempts to sext me and acts hurt when I rebuff him
But it’s so deeply offensive when I’ve had the bone achingly exhausting days I’ve had and need so
Much to be spoken to
Like a human being and offered
Love and I get this grim horny stuff.

He is an alcoholic. You are codependent.

Learn about codependence. You being one means you take responsibility inappropriately for other people. You try to control others you perceive as broken to behave in the ways you believe will fix them.

He is a highly intelligent man. He can work everything out for himself. Currently he refuses to learn how to manage your 2yo.

Cut contact, except for the once a week visits. Set a fixed time for those so you don't need lots of communication. Make it clear those visits must be at his house and he has to do at least one end of the pick up and drop off. I suggest he does the pick up because if he is pissed he won't make it to yours.

Mostly read up on codependence though. That personality flaw can completely ruin your life.

Thanks Category 12 I definitely think I am co dependent and my upbringing actively encouraged this with messages about how weak
Men are and can’t survive without charitable women.
I love my parents but my Christian father and massively passive aggressive mother really sent me some unhelpful messages regarding relationships. They also always told me I would massively struggle with relationships so I have always been the one to try to patch things up. The reason I have stayed in such close contact is that my children have really
Ok other family apart from my parents who are almost 90 and I want to do my utmost to cultivate my kids relationship with him particularly
My daughter who I feel I have robbed of that by asking him to leave when she was only six months. Because I did get so angry with him and was pretty mentally all over the place

Most people do not want their children to cultivate a relationship with a shitbag alcoholic abusive type. Doing your utmost to push your child towards an utter dickhead is bizarre.

There are plenty of people on here that would love it if their mum had "robbed" them of their relationship with their alcoholic sexist shitty dad.

I guess you think you deserve it somehow, that he can control it and he will never be a shitbag to the children. Nope.

He's still her father, you haven't "robbed " her of a thing - and living in a dysfunctional family unit day in, day out would harm her. You can be steady and stable for her in a way you couldn't if you were living with him.

And again, you're not responsible for what he does as a father.He is. Push the responsibility back where it belongs, to him, everytime - you need to stop thinking in those terms. Full grown adult man. Full grown adult man.

At the end of the marriage I have guilt/ shame about sone of my behaviour such as nagging, self harming, running out of house to just get away. We used to have these awful conversations last thing at night which literally made me want to bash my brains in.
My brains in where he would finger wag at me , gesticulates,‘prevaricate, counter and call me unreasonable. I’m not sure he’s an alcoholic, he Drank minimally throughout
Most of the 14 years I knew him. I can’t risk sending me kids to
Him even if they would go if anything could happen.
My son is Extremely hard to handle and my daughter plays up and dies dangerous attention seeking things at the wrong times. I couldn’t get to where he lives quickly if there was an emergency it would take me over an hour and sometimes ( often) I’m the only one who can Get my son
To calm down. However I really don’t want him in my home anymore and I am feeling very close to having the strength to push the divorce through.

I wonder what you mean by nagging? Did he call it that? Do you hurt yourself now?

You sound like you were require distressed. The late night ‘conversations’ sound pretty one-sided and abusive on his part. I think he was provoking you for some sort of gratification. He’s manipulating you in different ways now, but he’s very much trying to control you.

I really hope you find a way through this and get some space for yourself and your children.

‘Require’ was meant to be ‘were quite’

Ah yes, I see the traps you have fallen into.

1. He can leave all the shit work to you. If you insist he bloody does his own share of the shit work then you are "nagging" and you are henceforth a baddie and cannot thus complain about him leaving his share of the shitwork to you.

1. Now you are a baddie too, you can't complain. It is equal.

1. You have to take it out somehow and you self-harm. Self-harm is bad therefore you are a baddie. Go to step 2.

1. You are a baddie so he is entitled to have a go at you. He gets in your face and won't leave you alone. This is not nagging of course because it is a man doing it. You can't object (see step 2) so you run out of the house. Running out of the house all upset is a bad thing to happen. You must be a baddie. Go to step 2.

1. One day wake up and realise this is a big bag of shit then divorce the fucker.

If he wont take the kids out by himself, he doesnt need your car. Use it to go somewhere nice on your own during his contact periods.

Just stop contact until he gets his act together. If he wants to see the kids, he will sort himself out and see them. It seems that he is incredibly controlling, making you responsible for every aspect of the relationship, and he's got you thinking you have to do it all, "for the chiiiiilllllldddrreeeennnn". Your children would cope perfectly well if this total loser dropped out of their lives. He brings nothing to them.

Why has he chosen to live an hour away on the other side of London?

Gutterton its a nightmare and I have no idea what to do anymore- it seems my options are for the children to lose contact with a dad they DO love and who does have lots to offer them in terms of his personality which I can’t despite how he has treated me, or I insist on contact that is potentially dangerous for both children because of my sibs needs and my ex’s accommodation and location or I put up with the invasion to my privacy of having him in my home each week which gives him the chance to push boundaries . The reason for his location is not his fault really it’s mine but if I disclose in here I worry I’ll be identified.

I feel I have no way out if this mess and quite desperate about it.

TokTokBam - you have it I’m a nutshell. If I ever raised an issue it would be turned on me also. I have never met anyone else who literally would turn anything negative I said back on me for example: “ I didn’t like what you said to me yesterday”.
Him: “ well I don’t like what YOU said to ME!” This is just an illustration but he did it with literally everything and I don’t really understand this from an adult man who is extremely bright ( chess playing doctor, very well read etc). It was bizarre and someuimes I felt like laughing It was such a childish reaction. He always said we JUST COULD NOT COMMUNICATE!

In a nutshell 🙄. Sorry for typos I am constant harassed and in a rush at the moment as I’m sure are many of you.

You've done well OP. You've put up clear boundaries and made it clear you can't help. You can't. You are run ragged already. You don't need an adult-child alcoholic to deal with too.

I'm sorry he;s so draining and can't support you. I'm sorry you are left dealing with an autistic child and a young baby - I know how exhausting this is, even wiht a partner who helps. Please trust yourself that you are doing the very best you can for all concerned - including him, actually, by taking care of his kids and not enabling him any more. You need to take care of yourself too.

Thanks MonkeyontheTable- I feel guilty because I moved to the other side of London for 2 reasons 1: to get my son into an autism provision which could meet his rather complicated needs better than anything else anywhere as far as I could tell having visited literally everywhere I could think of 2: this provision was in the area I lived before marriage which was a happy coincidence as I had been desperate to move back there anyway. We had been living somewhere only because it was commutable by train to the city my husband was working in( I had tried living there for 2.5 years but was desperately unhappy and lonely so we compromised by.moving back to London to an area which wasn’t great for kids but which he could commute to his city of work . To his credit he did this for 6 years with a 1.5 hour commute each way. I the. Looked at moving to the city where he worked including looking at priories there with my autistic son in tow but deep down I knew It wasn’t right and my ex was unenthusiastic anyway and didn’t help with any viewings . As my son grew and I visited schools where we lived and he became more difficult to manage in this very urban area I realised we had to move and the area I was from had these Provisions for autism within mainstream schools which was the best fit available for my child. My ex was IN No hurry to move and didn’t understand the urgency of finding a school for my son. He moved out after some dreadful arguments . I had a six month old daughter too at that point. I had to get my son him an ehcp, sell my house , find a house , get him in the right school before reception. Etc And it was the hardest year of my life. My ex then got a job back in London to be closer to the children but as this is in the area we used to live previously which is at least an hour away by car It doesn’t help matters at all. It is a very expensive area and he can’t afford more than a 1 bed to rent . My son is a flight risk as he will bolt if stressed ( which he would be by the new situation if visiting dad) and it’s a busy urban area. So I have no idea what I can do. I can’t stop him swing the kids- this would be very bad for them too. I can’t insist he moved near us as I don’t know how he would manage getting to work each morning and this is not flexible with early morning
Meetings.I am Lost and really despairing at this point.

You have done brilliantly. You have moved heaven and earth to do the very best for your son - despite the drag anchor of and obstructive and abusive DH.

You must be exhausted. But take great comfort in what you have achieved for your DCs.

The main issue you have now is the erroneous belief that you have to fix and do back flips to facilitate access to their Dad. You don’t. That’s his job.

The sooner you disconnect from this emotional gaslighting emotionally abusive energy draining specimen - the sooner you will have your clarity and balance restored.

He is not the solution to bringing peace and calm to your lives - he has not supported your DS to date - he has abdicated responsibility for his direct care and provision of support. See him for what he is “dead beat dad” whether he is a Dr or not he has abandoned you all.

Look up DARVO

You are taking other people's responsibilities onto your shoulders.

You think their dad brings good stuff to the children's lives. OK.
You think their dad wants to be in their lives. OK.
You don't want to stop their dad being in their lives. OK.
You have to live where you live for schools and other reasons. Both you and your husband know this.
Your husband's job is highly mobile and is well paid. He can work many places.
Your husband does not mind a long commute. He has chosen a long commute before.
Your eldest's SN mean you all will need many weeks and even months of gradual settling in before long visits to your ex's place are possible. You and husband both know this.

So, given all that, this line of thinking is completely inappropriate shouldering of someone else's problem.
So I have no idea what I can do. I can’t stop him swing the kids- this would be very bad for them too. I can’t insist he moved near us as I don’t know how he would manage getting to work each morning and this is not flexible with early morning
Meetings.I am Lost and really despairing at this point

You don't need to solve this problem. It is his problem. He has lots of ways to solve it. You don't need to help him work it out. He can do that all on his very own.

All you have to do is say that you are no longer comfortable having the contact time in your house so he has to make other arrangements from next week.

If he wants to be in their lives he will sort something out. If he doesn't he won't.

If he's not bothered enough to work something out the sooner you find out the better rather than doing all his running around so you can fool the kids into thinking he cares. If he's not bothered they work it our eventually. It hurts more when older, especially when they realise their mum was complicit in hiding the truth.

The thing is that he really does care - he really does love them and they love him. I cannot dent this because it is inconvenient. My son particularly lights up around him. His role is unfortunately highly specialised and is not one he can do anywhere. He did very much mind commuting previously. I wish it were a simpler case of him being a “ deadbeat dad”
but it’s not and that’s why I feel so upset about it all. If I don’t find a way out of this which will ensure my kids see him safely without me having to have him in my life in such a big way I think they will grow up to hate me which would be absolutely heartbreaking to me.

No! He hated it previously but he did it because it was worth it at the time. Are you saying he does not think his children are worth it?

Your arguments for why it is your problem not his problem make no sense.

He is a smart man. He has resources. If he wants to see them he will see them. You don't have to lay a yellow brick road for him to follow.

The children will not grow up to hate you. That is ridiculous. Loads of children grow up with minimal dad contact because their dad didn't prioritise seeing them. Those children as adults judge the dad not the mum. Rightly so. Why would yours be any different?

Caring is ACTIONS.

He did not care for your SN child, his baby or you when he abdicated all actions of parental care when he lived under your roof.

He selfishly came home and played computer games and fought with you like a truculent teenager.

He did not actively care for his children. He did not work with you to support you in this momentous 24/7 challenge of your SN child. He sabotaged your efforts, he fought with you, ridiculed you, he emotionally abused you and gas-lit you around your MH.

He drove you to distraction. He did not support, cherish and care for the mother of his DC - or put in any direct care for them. And by his actions he has left them with a depleted, diminished mother.

That’s what makes him a deadbeat Dad.

Yes he can rock up for a couple of hours on a Saturday after a week of the single life, 100% responsibility free, ego nourished with his career and of course he has the energy and the focus to be Disney Dad (look that one up) - and of course your DCs will be delighted to see him.

But you know his contribution is no more than a children’s entertainer. You would have less stress employing someone to make balloon animals for a couple of hours - at least you wouldn’t get sexually harassed, emotionally abused or manipulated 24/7.

He drove you to distraction when he was living under your roof - you did brilliantly to get him out and you have moved mountains for your DS. But this is really hard work to sustain, you need every drop of energy - for yourself and your DC. Stop letting him rob you of this and still sabotage your life from a distance.

If you are sorted with the school look to invest in respite - there will be professionals who will help your DS adapt and transition slowly. You all need this to survive.

I am a doctor he reminds me of a colleague. I get that he is not thoroughly competent in all areas of my life but if he has a goal he wants to achieve he has the wherewithal to achieve it. He needs a home suitable for his children - the fact that he hasn’t done this is a combination of laziness and because it is not a priority or goal for him which tells you a lot about how good a father he is.

However you have to stop infantilising what he is capable of in terms of childcare. He has presented you with an act so that you have swallowed. My colleague will one moment explain that he can’t cook even an oven pizza do his kids (so if wife is out she has to sort food first) and then in the next breath expect me to listen to his point of view on how a particularly complex procedure should be undertaken. Fuck the fuck off.

You need to expect more of him and say no more.

Lucked my stbx can only cook oven pizza literally ( I know this is also about willingness). He eats takeaway all the time and then feels sorry for himself. I used to have a lovely meal for him each night even when I was exhausted but when I became so resentful and exhausted I just wanted him to eat when he got home so I could go and collapse he would say “
Don’t cook for me - I don’t want your shit”
Once, I went to stay at my parents’ and he told me mournfully that he hadn’t eaten. He was an absolute arsehole about leaving the taking out of rubbish/ recycling to the last minute until it was absolutely full to the brim ( his only household chore ) and so as usual, upon my return I took out the recycling to see A giant Pizza box in the bin so he had lied about not eating. This was a realisation of his manipulativeness.

Usually I would try to FaceTime with the kids with him daily for his sake but I have not over the last couple of days. I don’t want to make all this effort anymore and he feels so entitled to it. He tried ringing me twice this evening and then texted to ask why I hadn’t “ FaceTimed or anything?” I explained that the kids were in and out if paddling pool all day so I couldn’t ( true). But actually autistic son has only just gone to sleep after 2.5 hours of torture of poking me and trying to ram his fingers up my nose to “eat my boogies” etc , throwing books in the air, screaming . I have been watching both kids like a hawk all dayNeither paddling pool, son trying to poo in garden, daughter posting sweet corn and gravel through paddling pool cover, Kids weeing on floors , washed floors.son trying to bite me etc, so this sad sack poor me stuff fro. Ex really grates. I am however scared to tell him that I am done with him and with the situation. I’m scared if I say you have to make your own arrangements that it will be unsafe and he’ll lose my son or daughter on the other side of London. My son won’t even get in cars at the moment and will scream blue murder. When we have tried to get him to go out for a day Trip with ex often he has kicked off so badly that I’ve had to go too rather than have a break or they have stayed at home. This is not because he doesn’t want to be with his dad but because he’s oppositional and Likes to control everything,,wants access to me all the time and likes being at home , doesn’t like lack of control in day trips ( my son that is). I feel absolute dread about it all.

I wasn’t trying to complain about my son- I love him desperately and he’s only small
But just to illustrate that my days are stressful and exhausting and for my ex to think we are having this rosy time without him is infuriating. When I’ve suggested he doesn’t understand what my life is like when he’s tried to sext me after a hard day he has accused me of offending him by suggesting he does t understand when he does and of being disrespectful to his understanding!

I think you are catastrophising. I'd be surprised if he actually comes over, collects them, drives an hour back to his place then takes the children out somewhere, then later drives them back to your place. Too much like hard work, not enough access to harass you.

You know how lazy he is. What arrangements will he make if you 100% leave him to it to decide for himself?