Stuck between a rock and a hard place

[namechange1619]

I’ve been involved with my (now former) tutor for 2 years. He’s a lot older than me and married with kids. I’m single. The relationship has never been sexual, but definitely emotional and he’s been happy to ask for (and receive) naked pics of me on occasion. We kiss, hold hands etc. but nothing more - he tells me he’s retired from sex.

I had a difficult childhood, inconsistent love and attention from my parents. Mum was an alcoholic, both her and my dad were abusive in different ways. It was turbulent, volatile and often traumatic. As a result, I’ve never been good in relationships. I become obsessive and certainly have an addictive personality. There’s never been a healthy balance, and I’m not sure there ever can be.

So, this man, I’d describe him as a narcissist, he loves the ego boost he gets from me and I’m basically taken out of my box for him to play with whenever he feels like it. Most of the time, I get radio silence with the odd crumb thrown in to keep me sweet. I’ve tried walking away several times now, and each time I go back. I’m addicted to the crumbs and the toxic nature of it. He’s aware that it’s toxic for me, and he knows I need more from him (in terms of attention, not sex) yet he doesn’t make any effort.

Most recently, I tried walking away and he said he’d miss me etc. and he didn’t understand what issues our set up was causing for me. So here I am again, back in the misery of waiting around for his messages, and mainly being ignored. I feel like I’ve lost myself.

I’m aware that I’ll probably get flamed but if there are any people here who can offer support, it would be much appreciated. I have a couple of friends who know about this and they help a lot, but I’m struggling. Really struggling.

I take antidepressants, and I’ve had counselling in the past. Both help to some extent but I’m still in a mess. My options are to move on (I’ve tried) or to stick around and accept it for what it is (also tried). I’m at a loss.

[AgentJohnson]

You’re not at a loss. You know exactly what to do (block him and keep your head down until the obsessiveness subsides) but instead, you are choosing to stay in this toxic entanglement. Choosing being the operative word because you’ve gotten into the bad habit of acting like you don’t have a choice.

Given your history it’s not hard to see that on some level, this man’s attention fills some serious daddy type void issues.

He isn’t your obsession, your desperate need to be loved and valued is. This man just happens to be your weapon of self harm.

[myrtlehuckingfuge]

Please put up the calendar as suggested, block him and move on. You will find this latest attempt by him is in a bid to make you crawl back to him and stoke his ego. Don't play. If you do, you will find even less thrown your way in terms of crumbs than before. Preserve your mental health. Good luck, you can do it!

[longtimecomin]

This has got to end, this is doing you no good. There must be something else on the horizon you can fixate on?

[namechange1619]

Thank you for the great advice, I’ve ordered a calendar and I’m not going back this time. How can I? It would be 100% self-destruction. 1st of June marks 2 years since the first time things went behind tutor-student boundaries, and the beginning of this horrible rollercoaster I’ve been on. It’s time to get off and leave the twat to get on with his life where he can happily cope without me.

[namechange1619]

@Bumpsadaisie your posts make a lot of sense and are very helpful, thank you. The degradation of it is most definitely addictive - I don’t know why that part of me is so determined to ruin everything for me when, on paper, my life “should” be a happy one.

[Bumpsadaisie]

Glad it helps you OP. I guess it happens because the good parent inside you is a tiny little oak sapling compared to the self destructive giant cactus that enjoys wrecking everything!

If you can visualise it like this at least it helps you understand that the problem isn't the things out there - this guy in your case - or drink/drugs/over eating/overspending or whatever it might be.

The problem is inside. It's scary to own that but if you really can then at least there is the hope that you might be able to think about it and change it.

Otherwise you go through life thinking all this dysfunctional stuff just happens TO you, like a black cloud passing over head and chucking it down on you.

[OldWomanSaysThis]

These manipulative married men preying on young women are a dime a dozen. This experience will help you in the future. You'll identify what these assholes are doing from the very first conversation. (I'm in my 50s and still deal with this, so maybe it's not just young women married men target.)

Once you can tap into your anger and your sense of self, you won't be taken advantage of again. Your awareness of what happened in this situation is already very good!!

It seems a lot of women have to learn this charismatic married man thing the hard way - that's ok. I like my lessons hard, too. It's memorable.

You're dude being retired from sex - that's funny. A lot of men think if their penis has not entered "a vagina-not-their-wife's" then they haven't cheated. They've done nothing wrong. Really, he is just fucking with you - for sport. That's just sick.

[namechange1619]

@OldWomanSaysThis yes I agree, I don’t think he’s retired from sex at all. And I think he has been fucking with me, whilst not fucking with me, all along

I’ve found it so hard to believe that he could have been taking advantage because there are times (albeit rarely) when he seems to have true feelings for me. But it all boils down to the fact that he has zero respect for me and treats me as a play thing.

[Mary1935]

Hi 1619 it may be work you looking at Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional family. It lists traits of growing up in these types of families. It may resonate with you.
They do online meetings and face to face.
If you want any further info you can PM me.
Well done for seeing the light.