Work colleague who is usually blunt but occasionally polite

[pinkyperkypie]

I didn't really know how to word the title but I'm wondering if anyone can explain this behaviour. I have a work colleague who most of the time is very direct in his communication with me, to the point of being blunt. He very rarely uses words like: please, thank you, sorry, could you etc. I don't often get to see him interacting with others but I have a feeling that he isn't like this with everyone.

Anyway, I just accepted that this was how he was and got on with things. Then suddenly in January, he was like a changed person, very polite and considerate. But after a few weeks he went back to the bluntness. Now today, after a week of blunt messages, we usually communicate by email at the moment, out of the blue, he sent me a request for something which was really polite.

I know that this isn't the biggest problem in the world but actually it's affecting my self-esteem because I feel like he's making a choice to be blunt with me as it's not like he doesn't know how to be nice.

On the polite mails is there someone else cc'ed ?

Maybe he doesn't want others to witness his rudeness? He sounds like a bully.

AfterSchoolWorry no, none else is cc'ed in and it's not a special request or anything out of the ordinary.

Hmm, I've met people like this before. Not sure why they act this way. I think they enjoy it for some pathetic reason.

This probably has nothing to do with you personally. Looking at the timing I would guess he got year end feedback that his manner/work style comes across as blunt to the point of rudeness and he needs to improve. Now a few months in he’s slipping back into old habits.

So don’t take it personally as it’s not specific to you and see if there’s anyway to feedback Constructively back on reverting back to bad habits.

Sorry missed the last bit, sounds like someone may have already highlighted the slip into old habits as they’ve been ok again

Throughout life, you are going to come across people who are rude, inconsiderate and difficult, are you going to take all of their behaviour personally?

He is actually twins sharing one life.

CuriousaboutSamphire ha ha!. I'd considered some kind of personality disorder but not 2 people.

You could try being blunt back?

'You know, saying 'please' and 'thank you' won't cause you physical pain?'.

He's probably BCCd somebody in those politer emailed ones, by the way.

I agree about the bcc emails.

I would reply saying, "You're very polite today. What's up? You're usually really blunt."

I don't think today's email would have been bcc'ed into anyone. it had no content that would have interested anyone except the 2 of us. Also, the politeness in January was when we were sharing an office, and there was no one around to overhear him being nice to me.

They are blunt when stressed and nicer when mood or family life is better.

I have a colleague that’s exactly the same and I know he gets pulled up on it by senior management from time to time (he is a manager of a team which makes it worse as he doesn’t get the best from his staff).

I find you can tell when someone has had enough and complained to his manager as he makes the effort for a few weeks/months and then gradually reverts back to his normal abrupt style. Maybe it’s the same with your colleague.

It may come down to how stressed /overwhelmed he's feeling...

Do you want to address it directly or just find a reason so that you continue to accept it?

When he is nice - you could add a P.S. on email “Thanks for the polite tone - it makes all the difference”

Some people are just blunt on email, aren't they?

I've had quite a few managers who would email me something like 'Ring me" after I'd been off for a couple of weeks. I just got used to it. In the end, it was quite easy because I could respond with one word answers.

When he is nice - you could add a P.S. on email “Thanks for the polite tone - it makes all the difference”

Why would you do that?! If that doesn't make you sound like a middle aged mother I don't know what does!

Gutterton I think I just want some suggestions about why he might be this way in case there is anything I haven't considered. I've thought about bringing it up with him but decided it's not worth the hassle. A few weeks ago I saw an email he had sent another colleague which was full of politeness and when I got a polite email from him today, it made me think, is it something about me that means he thinks it's ok to be rude most of the time? I guess wfh has given me too much time to think about stuff.

Why would you do that?! If that doesn't make you sound like a middle aged mother I don't know what does!

To assert yourself and ask for polite, respectful communication in a civilised, non confrontational way.

It makes you sound like an assertive, constructive colleague and gives you agency in the working relationship.

Thanking someone for their polite tone with a clear implication that they're not generally polite would be a great way to destroy the relationship, just when it's improving.

you're giving him way to much credit by trying to work him out.. he's a arrogant pig... the end

Is he blunt only on email, or face to face as well?

Detach from the need to have him be polite to you. He’s a rude arse, the only person who should have their self esteem affected by that is him. Not you. Why give him that much power? He’s just some bloke you have to communicate with sometimes for work. That’s all he is. Who gives a shit why he does it?

You don’t need his behaviour to validate your worth. It is irrelevant what he does. Practice rolling your eyes, thinking “what a dick!”, and being blunt back to him. He’s blunt, he gets blunt. He’s polite, he gets polite.

You don’t need his behaviour to validate your worth. It is irrelevant what he does. Practice rolling your eyes, thinking “what a dick!”, and being blunt back to him. He’s blunt, he gets blunt. He’s polite, he gets polite.

darned right