My partner and I have a long history, we dated over 20 years ago were engaged then, broke up, we were young but he was always 'the one'. He 'accidentally ' got a bar maid pregnant, she strung him along saying she was having a termination and never did. He tried to do the right thing and married her and she went on to sleep with his best friend and her drug dealer. He left her. While I thought he was happily settled down with her I met and married my husband. We had a good laugh and were friends but I never should have married him and he left me to raise the children alone 9 years ago and I havent seen him since.
When my current partner split with his wife we briefly got back together but it was shortly after my husband had left, I was focusing on a new career and his ex wife was stalking me. I just felt like It was too soon and I as worried he would go back there and destroy me.
He then met an American girl, had a whirlwind romance. They were married within a year as she needed a Visa and they went on to have one child. He works away a lot and caught her on Tinder etc, she tried to run home to America but they went on to buy a house together and try to patch things up.
She lived in this brand new house for 10 days before returning to America with the child who was one and a half by then, and she never came back. She basically kidnapped her own child. This was in the august nearly 3 years ago and he contacted me early in the next year and we started a relationship. It was obvious he was grieving for the child and she was not making it easy for him. I knew he would need time to come to terms with what she had done. Its worth pointing out that he has told me that hes not even sure if the child is his due to her dating other men. He has seen the child once in the past 2 and a half years and that didnt go well as the child barely knew him and cried for its mother all the time.
I've tried to make a relationship with him and cut him some slack at times when I know its particularly difficult like the childs birthday and fathers day etc but I feel like hes never going to move on from this. I'm keen for us to make a proper relationship, get married, live together etc and he treats me like someone hes just dating. Last week was my birthday, it's been particularly hard for us he has been working away for over 2 months and then with lock down, but on my birthday I could hear in his voice he was gutted about something, I thought maybe his nan had passed but no, he goes on to tell me that he had been sent some photos of his son from 0preschool and he had a t shirt on saying I'm the big brother. He then questioned his now ex wife on this and she admitted she had recently given birth to another mans child. I think the main reasons he is gutted is not so much her because someone else is now raising his son, and this is the 2nd child he has now failed so to speak, to be a father to. He told me she accused him of living with me (shes seen my photo in his whattsapp profile) and he told her that's not a fact. She is still on the mortgage of his house but has never paid a penny towards it.
Probably also worth adding here that when we first got together he said he really wanted us to have a baby together (said I know you would never take my baby away,which should have been a warning to me I guess) anyway I fell pregnant but miscarried whilst he was working abroad,he never came home and he has barely spoken to me about it since, he certainly doesnt feel that sadness that I feel.about losing that baby.
I just feel like I'm 2 and a half years into a relationship and we still arent making progress. He refuses to commit to living with us, which is what I really want. He talks mainly about himself and his work mates and doesnt really ask me how I'm getting on despite him knowing that I'm really struggling at the moment.
I've taken to comparing myself to both his ex wifes (the one that slept with his best friend and takes drugs,and the kidnapper) and wondering what's wrong with me? Why wouldnt he want to settle down with me. Perhaps hes wary after his past experiences, but how long do I give him to get himself together because I've now started thinking about moving on myself but hesitant because I know it's always been about him.
I know theres not any right answers and he needs time, but I just wanted your views and I feel a bit better for having written it down on here. If you're still reading, thank you x