I’ve been married for a year and have a 19 month old son.
I’ve previously had panic attacks and anxiety and low self confidence, and have always been worried that I’ll find myself homeless. In my only other long term relationship, my partner was abusive and had started threatening me, so I felt like I had to leave. I then spent three unhappy years in flatshares before I moved in with my now husband. He was in the lucky position to be able to buy a house, so it made sense to move in with him. I contribute to household expenses but the house is in his name and he pays 100% of the mortgage.
I’ve never felt completely secure here, because I am just a lodger really.
Our relationship started to break down after the birth of our son in 2018. I was on the verge of developing post natal depression but thanks to the nhs I came out the other side.
Ever since then we don’t seem to be able to stop arguing. It’s even worse in lockdown. It’s mostly about how tidy the house is (he wants a clean and tidy home but isn't willing to do most of it, it’s just not high up on my priorities and we have a toddler). Because of the arguing our physical relationship has broken down, I’m lucky if he thinks to touch me when he walks past, and he makes me feel very needy when I ask for a hug, let alone anything else. We are both working from home and juggling our son. It’s very stressful, and so understandably tensions are running high. I think my husband might be a bit depressed and overwhelmed with the lack of work life separation, but he won’t talk to anyone about it. When we argue he shuts down and just stops replying to me or looking at me. I get very frustrated and start shouting. I’ve recently been working on this, trying to speak in a calm level voice, and leaving the room for a minute when I can’t control it. My husband doesn’t seem to make any adjustments, and just sits there grinding his teeth telling me he can’t cope. I’ve tried to talk to him about coping methods like yoga or mindfulness but they just don’t seem to help.
I don’t know what to do, I'm worries the arguments are going to negatively affect my son. I’m so tired of the repeated same arguments that I just want to run away, but I’m scared that i won’t be able to see my son, and also that I’ll end up homeless. I can just about to afford to rent on my own, but that panics me that I would lose my job or something awful would happen and I would end up on the streets. My husband won’t leave and give me space (and obviously can’t really right now either)
I don’t want to leave my husband or my son or my cat, and I really feel like everything would fall apart without me, yet I don’t think I can survive this for much longer. I just don’t what to do, stick it out and hope for a miracle when my son can go to nursery at the beginning of June? Keep having the same argument over and over and feel more and more insecure, and spend more and more time crying in a tense household? What would you do?
Sorry for the long post, I hope I haven’t rambled too much