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Original poster

DH work colleague - normal?

28 replies

Nam3change33 · 21/05/2020 21:05

Name changed (obviously).

My DH and I are both 40s. 1 DS6. A young (20s) girl started working with DH last year and has now left. They worked closely together and from what he’s said got on well/had a laugh.

My question is, I know he’s texted her occasionally and still does sometimes. There was a time when she worked at another office branch and he kept in touch with her then, not often but I saw some messages. Nothing inappropriate but he leaves his phone lying around and I saw he has a group work chat and replies to her there in a very different tone to their private messages. He’ll be a lot more jokey and put a kiss on his messages just to her.

The content/frequency of messages is not inappropriate but is it weird for him as a married man in his 40s to be messaging a colleague in her 20s with a kiss on the end? Or am I being unreasonable? I’m not too bothered about it as like I said, nothing inappropriate on either end, but would like to know what others think.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2020 21:07

I'd be asking him what he's playing at. Of course it's inappropriate. He's getting his ego stroked by flirting with a very young woman. How cliche.

borntohula · 21/05/2020 21:08

I put kisses on the end of messages to male and female friends, it's the content that's important, I guess. I would wonder what they have in common to be texting about if it's not work though, I guess.

borntohula · 21/05/2020 21:08

Overuse of 'I guess' there. Blush

Original poster
Nam3change33 · 21/05/2020 21:09

@Aquamarine1029 they don’t seem like flirty messages, I just wouldn’t be messaging a bloke 20 years younger than me if you get me!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2020 21:11

they don’t seem like flirty messages

Yet you wrote...

He’ll be a lot more jokey and put a kiss on his messages just to her.

What exactly do you think flirting is? He is flirting with her.

TwentyViginti · 21/05/2020 21:13

Haha no, he wouldn't be putting x on messages to 52 year old ex colleague Barbara, would he?

Such a cliche, as a pp said. An ego stroke for him.

begoniapot · 21/05/2020 21:14

I put kisses (x) on most things! I have American clients who I message and I have to make a real effort not to x them. It's not a done thing there, but everyone does it here. x 😀

Original poster
Nam3change33 · 21/05/2020 21:16

Maybe I should speak to him about it. I don’t do kisses to anyone, so it seemed a bit off to me.

OP posts:
borntohula · 21/05/2020 21:18

I've messaged men and women who are 10 years younger and 10+ years older and it's never meant I wanted to sleep with them lol. It really depends on what's being said. What does HE say about it?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2020 21:18

Op, you made this post because you know something is "off." You said yourself there's a "very different tone" to his messages to her. He may not be cheating, but he's playing with fire. You need to confront this.

TwentyViginti · 21/05/2020 21:19

If you 'have a word' he'll start hiding his phone, change password or get a second phone if he wants to carry on with messaging her.

Original poster
Nam3change33 · 21/05/2020 21:24

borntohula the messages I saw were about sport or just replying to something said in the group conversation privately. That’s what made me feel a bit strange - why not just reply in the main conversation? I haven’t spoken to him about it but he doesn’t mention her much. Sometimes in passing.

OP posts:
MammytoElla · 21/05/2020 21:24

I would speak to him if your feeling uncomfortable with it. It's best to be out in the open.
It depends on what is said in the message. I have a few male colleagues and work in a predominantly female environment (nursing) and we message about different things such as books were interested in etc. There's a nearly 20 year difference with one bloke. We're just friends, we're both happily married, he bought my daughter things when she was born. I bought his grandson something. Same with my husband and female colleagues.
A lot of people on here don't seem to trust their other halves xx

borntohula · 21/05/2020 21:27

OP, it's possible they get on well for whatever reason, if I were you, I'd just ask him about it but I don't agree with snooping through people's phones, like a surprising amount of MNers seem to.

Original poster
Nam3change33 · 21/05/2020 21:35

@MammytoElla That is reassuring. Thank you! I think I’ve read too many threads on here where DHs have affairs with female colleagues and it got my head spinning. I’ll keep an eye on it though just in case.

OP posts:
borntohula · 21/05/2020 21:41

OP in all fairness, some of the threads on here are enough to put you off men for life but it doesn't mean they're all up to no good!

SandyY2K · 21/05/2020 22:13

This made me laugh...

some of the threads on here are enough to put you off men for life but it doesn't mean they're all up to no good!

MsDogLady · 22/05/2020 02:16

After exiting the group for 1:1 interaction, their dynamic becomes more connected and affectionate. Kisses? This would not be happening in my marriage.

He is enjoying this ego boost.

Ihadvodkaforbreakfast · 22/05/2020 02:30

If they’re in a group chat then why do they also need to message privately (with added Xs 🤔)...??
Many affairs start as ‘just friends’ with ‘innocent texts’ and ‘banter’. If he wants to be friends with her he should include you too

managedmis · 22/05/2020 02:43

Colleagues put 'x' on the ends of messages now? Really?

Friendsofmine · 22/05/2020 05:44

I wouldn't dream of putting a X on a message to a work colleague but that is by the by.

You are feeling something is bit off. They are not friends they are ex colleagues with a huge age gap and no relationship outside of work in theory so I agree it is inappropriate to message outside the group chat. He is only doing this because it feels good which is one of the things in the Shirley Glass checklist- Not Just Friends. It has a brilliant section on boundaries.

Carrie7469 · 22/05/2020 05:49

I think you're probably bring over sensitive. I have a very good make friend who's also a work colleague several years younger than me. I message him and put a kiss on the message. Definitely nothing going on, he's just a friend. I'd do the same to female friends, the fact that they have different body parts is irrelevant

DeeCeeCherry · 22/05/2020 06:05

It never seems to be a female work colleague same age or older, does it? The criteria for being a colleague they get on with so well they need to text outside work hours/inappropriately seems to be 'young and fit'. Amazing...

Irnbroothenoo · 22/05/2020 06:10

All my colleagues put an x after messages. I don’t but it doesn’t bother me. It’s a personal thing

HotDogGuy · 22/05/2020 06:17

I wouldn’t be too quick to jump to any sort of conclusion there. A lot of people will advise you he’s up to no good and must be cheating or wanting to cheat.
My own take from how I text (men and women) is that I often mirror how they text. So if they put kisses I will, if they don’t I generally won’t. If they use loads of emojis I will, other people use none and when I text people I don’t use emojis. This applies to texts to both men and women. I am happily married with no ulterior motives or desire to get more out of the friendships.
But then I think you can have a close friendship with people of the opposite seconded and younger without it being an emotional affair.
If he was being secretive about it, hiding his phone or deleting the messages then I think it’s crossed over the line.

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