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Original poster

Emotionally unavailable or just emotionally guarded?

29 replies

Louise000000 · 21/05/2020 18:23

I'm reading alot online about emotionally unavailable men blowing hot and cold, saying they don't want a relationship, shagging around etc keen one min then away the next...
I think my man is def emotionally unavailable or if not definitely guarded, he is very loyal, he has said he wants me to meet his family and he is keen to meet mine. He wants to meet my kids and has said hes worried if they like him etc so I know he sees me as somewhat of his future ifkwim
He also wants to text every day, says he likes hearing from me every day.
However, he admits himself that talking about his feelings is not something that comes easily for him.
We have been seeing each other 6 months now.
I am happy with no commitment for now as I'm out of a marriage last year and I'm loving my independence just now. I'm no where near ready to think about the possibility of living with another man for example, I've had my kids so there's not that need looming either.
So is this emotional unavailability just not being able to express your feelings?
Does anyone have any experience with this? I can understand if the man is being nasty and unkind with it then that's damaging for the woman's mental health (or vice versa it is the woman who is the emotionally unavailable one)
But my guy is kind and caring, he's just lacking the emotional side

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 21/05/2020 18:28

I should also add when I've asked him about this over the last few months, he has said his parents went through a nasty divorce with affairs, him being let in on the affair and told not to tell his mum etc so from then on he learned to bury his emotions.
So def sounds emotionally unavailable but also aware of it?

OP posts:
shookbelves · 21/05/2020 18:32

Talking about their feelings is something that does not come naturally to a lot of people.
Perhaps he just doesn't 'get' the same sort of need to talk about emotions or feelings that you do.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 21/05/2020 18:47

He describes it as burying his feelings though? He said he's always been like this

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 21/05/2020 18:56

I wouldnt say he is emotionally unavailable as he is willing to let you meet his family and he yours so he is letting you into his life. My experience of emotionally unavailable men is where they wont even call you their girlfriend let alone involve you. Perhaps Ive just been extremely unlucky though, others here may disagree with me. I would say hes guarded with his feelings, not always a bad thing as if he does reveal them to you it means they are genuine.

TorkTorkBam · 21/05/2020 18:58

What emotions would you expect him to be sharing? It's quite a new relationship, never mind you being on the rebound.

Original poster
Louise000000 · 21/05/2020 19:03

Feelings like 'I like you' 'I like where this is going' thought that sort of thing was the norm?
Def not on the rebound, my marriage was dead for years prior to it ending.

OP posts:
Original poster
Louise000000 · 21/05/2020 19:05

@Mermaidwaves that's what I was reading too, more obviously detached people.

Maybe I'm just a fast mover then but when I like someone I tell them, if I'm happy I say it.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 21/05/2020 19:06

How do plans to meet/talk get made without him saying he likes you?

Original poster
Louise000000 · 21/05/2020 19:12

I'm not sure I understand your question.
We can chat away and make plans fine but I am finding the only way of knowing how he is finding things is I to have to ask.
It's hard to explain really but any relationship I've had before there's been a mutual dialogue of how we are feeling about each other and about the relationship if you get what I mean. I'm finding the only way I know he's happy enough is to have to ask!

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 21/05/2020 19:15

What I mean is, does he make the plans? Doesn't he say "I'd love to talk to you on Monday, is it OK if I call you at 8?"

Original poster
Louise000000 · 21/05/2020 19:21

No he would more likely say 'how about a call on.....' or 'hopefully I'll get to see you the next time I'm home' (he works away)
He will say look forward to seeing me, but id say that to anyone!
I will naturally say stuff like 'I like how you do..........' insert what ever the thing may be, 'I like that you think before you speak' 'you are a good listener'
I say things like this the time and naturally. I can't give you one thing about my character that I know he likes. It's weird

OP posts:
Eslteacher06 · 21/05/2020 20:10

Sorry but it sounds like a deal breaker to me. It's clearly important to you, so why settle just cause he's nice?

Fidgety31 · 21/05/2020 20:14

He sounds like a normal bloke and you sound like you over analyse everything he says ?!
I think you are expecting him to be like you ?

Original poster
Louise000000 · 21/05/2020 21:17

I don't feel as if I'm settling as I'm not looking for this to go anywhere, I don't want to settle down with him or progress the relationship any.

@fidgety31 you could be right there Grin

OP posts:
1066vegan · 21/05/2020 21:33

He sounds a nice normal bloke to me. I don't think I've ever had a heavy conversation of the kind you described and I'd feel really uncomfortable if dp tried to start one. We've been together for over 20 years so it works for us.

Neither way is right or wrong; it's just easier if both partners have a similar attitude.

Eslteacher06 · 21/05/2020 23:44

If you don't want it to go anywhere, why are you investing time and energy into it? Just be careful you don't fall into the trap of developing feelings but settling for something you don't want once you're further down the track.

rvby · 21/05/2020 23:53

He just sounds like someone who isnt massively demonstrative. Loads of people are like that. If you want someone more vocal about their feelings then you're not suited.

Words mean little. Read his actions, and only his actions.

"Emotional unavailability" is more code for "he doesn't really want to have a relationship with you" when women are trying to explain a man's behavior to themselves tbh

BumbleBeee69 · 22/05/2020 00:00

Fuck that OP.. he's playing you like a finely tuned fiddle... having his cake and eating it... he's using you until something better comes along.. Flowers

florababy84 · 22/05/2020 00:37

Sounds like a normal man to me too. I'd give it some more time.

The fact that he can express that his emotional closedness is due to his mother involving him in her affair is already a step more evolved than many men.

Don't get caught up in labels like 'emotional unavailability'. You've said he doesn't blow hot and cold or shag around, he's loyal and interested in you. Maybe being in a relationship with you will gently draw out his emotions more. You can keep talking about what you'd like from him, like more expression of his feelings, and it sounds like you're not in a rush for more commitment yourself.

BitOfFun · 22/05/2020 00:44

Just because he doesn't express himself like men in Hallmark movies, doesn't make him "emotionally unavailable". He sounds perfectly normal to me.

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/05/2020 10:20

He sounds like a normal man.

But think about what you need from a 'normal man'. If you'd occasionally like to have a deep conversation about emotions, feelings, background and how it made you feel growing up etc, then he's not the man for you. He's the sort to say 'okay' when you ask him how he's feeling, even if he's in inner turmoil.

Some people like to communicate about emotions, other don't. If you do and he doesn't, it could be a bone of contention.

But he doesn't sound 'emotionally unavailable' (which IMO is just a buzz phrase for 'a bit of a bastard').

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 22/05/2020 10:27

Sounds like a love languages thing - your main love language appears to be Word of Affirmation - you show love and like to receive it verbally. Maybe he’s more about Acts of Service, ie he’ll fix the hoover, or ask if you need anything from the shop on his way over, by doing little jobs for you he’s saying that he cares. Have a little read about it and then maybe you can try showing him love in a way that he would be more comfortable receiving it and vice versa.

Eckhart · 22/05/2020 10:31

Sounds like you're expecting full emotional availability from someone you have no intention of committing to.

Does he know you have no intention of committing to him?

Foreverlexicon · 22/05/2020 10:36

My partner is like this.
It made me quite unsettled at the beginning. I’m very verbal with my affections and I don’t beat around the bush so I was pretty open about how I felt and felt a bit...I don’t know, rejected.

However over time, I’ve come to realise it just isn’t her way. In the end after 9 months she told me she loves me (and she actually said it first), and now tells me every day and she shows her affection in other ways like planning nice things to do, gifts, being very supportive when life goes crap and she’s very cuddly.

We joke about her being emotionally void but it’s just a difference in how we show it.

Bunnymumy · 22/05/2020 10:54

As long as he's not a narcissist or similar.

Sorry but I think that 'emotionally unavailable' is a load of shite. You either care about someone or you don't. We assume those in our life care for us, especially when they talk the talk. But look at their actions to see the truth. Some people are empty inside.

You say you are ok with still being in the seeing someone stage after 6 months. Have you actually told him that you are ok with casual though? Or does he not really care one way or another anyway and plough on with things he wants. And if he isnt your bf, why is he banging on about meeting your family? Sounds a bit like future faking.

Clearly you know something is up if you are on here asking about emotional unavailability. Consider two options: one, he is just not that into you. Two, he lack the normal range of empathy, love and compassion and cares not a jot for you or anyone (despite acting -or over acting- well) because he is a big old cluster b.