Is my girlfriend abusive? Are we both?

[SIw1993]

Hi everyone, new to this so please bear with me.

My relationship is in great turmoil. I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years and we live together. I know relationships aren’t perfect but for for the past 3 years we have had some bad times, many petty arguments. One of us tend to take something the wrong way and it ends up escalating. It’s only now that we’re on the brink of splitting up that I am reflecting on the relationship.
I will admit I have said some hurtful things in arguments. I come across aggressive and I have scared her which I always apologised for and I know it’s wrong. I lie about little things and she can always tell. Most of the time I lie or keep things from her is because I don’t want an argument as I know she can be touchy. Sometimes she really gets me down. She reminds me I have gained weight and calls me fat as a ‘joke’. Also When I tell her to stop arguing, it makes her even more argumentative. She says she gets frustrated that I won’t resolve the situation and I just shut down. It’s because I don’t want it to get so bad I have to walk out to cool off, which I have done many times. I just want to be happy. I have no friends as I’m not from our area, I moved here to be with her. She is my life but I just don’t feel loved. However, she can be the sweetest, kindest, funny person. Can anyone shed some light on this? Am I the issue?

you are both the issue. if you break up and you start a new relationship, what will you change about yourself. will you be more open, not lie, never say hurtful things etc? if you actually want to stay together then start doing those things now.. she also needs to do the same. tell her what hurts you and what you acknowledge you do wrong and both commit to making the effort to act differently going forward.

Hi OP. Hard to say without more info about her behavior but honestly, it sounds as though neither of you communicate well & your relationship just isn't working. FYI a relationship ending is not a "failure", relationships end every day for a million reasons & you don't need to justify your decision to anyone other than yourself.

Try to make yourself a list of positives (being alone in a strange area can be disorientating) that you can start to tackle. If you want to stay, how might you make friends? Do you work? Do you have a hobby? How old are you & might you go into education or retrain for a new job? If you want to leave the area, how might you do that? Move in with family or friends while you get back on your feet?

3 years of little things getting blown up & petty arguments turning into "walking out to calm down" sounds exhausting, and whether your GF is right about you shutting down or not, I think the relationship is over. Time to get some space to get your head straight & put your energy into something more positive for you.

You are two people who should NOT be together

What sort of little things do you lie about or keep from her?

I’m 30 and work full time, my work takes most of my time up. She works too. I’m financially stable enough so I spend most of my money on her, she never has to worry.

Examples of lying: She nags about eating healthy but I struggle. She’ll ask me what I’ve eaten today and I’ll tell her but miss out the chocolate because I don’t want to deal with her putting me down for it. It’s petty things like this.

Don't know, but it's definitely toxic and dysfunctional.

You should end it, and do some therapy/counselling and work on yourself before you date again.

She’ll ask me what I’ve eaten today and I’ll tell her but miss out the chocolate because I don’t want to deal with her putting me down for it. It’s petty things like this

I know all about this and I know there are two sides because my STBEXH can’t understand my lack of willpower and I can’t understand his need to control what I eat. My STBEXH also called me fatty as a joke when I put on weight. I’ve always known he’s really attracted to me and I had put on weight so it actually didn’t bother me all that much but it’s just not the kind of relationship I want to be in.

You sound quite dependent on her - I was too - this can completely blur all clarity on the reality of the relationship.

It sounds like the end is nigh and while that’s awful now, better now than in ten years time. I tried and tried and stayed and now I wish we had ended it when I was your age.

And have some cake 🍰 xxx

It's not the action itself, but the lying about it that's the most hurtful to be honest. She can no longer trust you to tell her the truth about things.

If the tables were turned, how would that make you feel?

So you have different opinions on healthy eating then? Each person should decide what their stance on that is. You can’t blame her for wanting you to be healthy and happy. Many people would associate eating crap with unhealthy choices and possibly sadness.
You could put on weight so perhaps that’s why she’s worried?

You should be able to tell her what you’ve eaten honestly without her ripping you a new one. You should be able to tell her the truth about anything. You’re a partnership. It’s you both against the world.

If she does go mental at you remind her that it’s not polite to speak to someone that way and that you are struggling with (whatever it is that makes you over eat or crave junk food or whatever the problem is) and would appreciate her support.

It could be that you’re comfort eating because you are lonely. Or it’s just a bad habit. Or you need to walk outside more now we are allowed to lose the weight if you are an unhealthy weight if that’s her problem?

Work out what’s really upsetting you and fix that if you can. We all deserve to be happy and if you’re not perhaps she’s not the one....?

You shouldn't have to lie about what you eat. She has worn you down to the point where you feel too scared and exhausted to be honest. Also it's none of her business what you eat during the day.

I was with someone who was controlling like this and I ended up being an unpleasant person because of it so it rings bells with me.

Sure you are not perfect for her, but it seems to me that someone who can make you feel the way you are is the one in control, ergo the one with power. This makes her actions worse. Plus you're here acknowledging the problems. How can she not see how bloody awful it is to control their partner like this.

I'm sorry I'd move on.

If my partner was making jokes about me being fat and asking what I'd eaten that day I would omit mentioning the chocolate too. How dare she?!

You mentioned you say hurtful things too. There really is no excuse for it.

Whether you stay together or not, you should commit to improving your communication.

My weight goes up & down & I can say from experience that lying by omission about your sweets & snacks because you know there's sniping or shame coming is f-ing miserable.

As PP have said, this relationship is not healthy & for both of your sakes, it needs to end. I am on a sporty/healthy phase right now but my partner eats like a teenager & is considerably heavier than me. I worry about his weight & the impact on his health, but I have never once called him fat or told him he can't/shouldn't eat something.

I'm not sure from what you've said that either of you is abusive, but it doesn't have to be abusive to end a relationship. Just break up, you're incompatible & you both need a clean break & a new start.

I don’t think you need to label something that clearly isn’t working

A lot to unpick - you don’t sound very good at dealing with any stress or resolving issues, (hence the lying, walking off and getting angry) and she sounds like she doesn’t trust you, is frustrated with trying to resolve issues with you and has become controlling now to try to ‘manage’ you

If you don’t deal with your own issues you will just take them with you to the next person.

Also neither of you are listening to each other - you are hearing from her what things mean to you ‘if I tell the truth then X will happen’ and not ‘she sounds hurt, if I want her to trust me I need to be honest’
She is hearing ‘well nothing that comes out of his mouth is ever the truth so no wonder I have to nag’ instead of ‘if he feels he can approach me then he may feel better about being honest’

As PP have said - a relationship doesn't have to be abusive for either party to end it. It does sound like your relationship has become rather toxic and communication is very poor. If you're not sure that it's over, you might want to try some relationship counselling. But, you know, you can end it because you are no longer happy in it. There would be deeper considerations if you had children together but you haven't mentioned children.

You've said a couple of things which bear further examination - that she's your life and that you spend most of your money on her so she never has to worry. I may be reading too much into those statements but no person should be anyone else's life - that level of dependency (codependency) is unhealthy, it puts way too much pressure on a relationship and it probably contributes to minor irritations getting blown out of proportion. You've mentioned that you work. Can you try and build friendships with some of your colleagues? At the very least, try and find some other interests and activities so she is not always your sole focus because that's really not healthy for either of you.

Also, why are you spending most of your money on her? You're both adults and she works, too. It's kind of you to treat her from time to time but in an equal relationship where you both work, there's no obvious reason why you should be spending most of your money on her. If you do have cash to spare, hopefully you're saving some of it too.

I come across aggressive and I have scared her

Pack your bag and leave now.

@SIw1993

How are you OP?

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@Complimentarytreats
She has told me she needs some time alone to think about things. We have both acknowledged what we did wrong but she wants space. Im going to give it to her, I just feel so lost now. She was my world.