Mummy's boy?

[venice2020]

Me and my partner are 30, we have been together 3 years and I'm doubting his behaviour. We had talked about getting a place together however he inherited half a house and decided to keep it rather than selling it, he made this decision with his mum which is where it all started. He told me that it was an investment in both our futures and I would be involved, that we could pick paint together ect however he didn't involve me in any of the decisions, he and his mum went to shops picking things together. He moved in, which was down the road to his mother & father, he would go over after work every day and have dinner and watch tv there. His mum still did his washing and would come over to strip the bed and pick his clothes up. My mum was ill and I was in a mess, I was coming home to an empty house and I felt like I needed support at that time, my mum was in hospital for 1 week, he was there for me for some of it however couple of times I asked him if I could see him and he turned around and said he was having dinner with his mum and couldn't. Over the 2 week Christmas period I saw him for 2 days and the rest he spent with his mum, on the 3rd day he turned around and said he was going home early to be with his family, am I overthinking things? is this normal behaviour? His mum had a birthday get together, mum, dad, sister and her partner and my partner and the sisters friend and mother all went out, I wasn’t invited nor invited the next day to his sisters birthday, my boyfriend doesn’t think there is anything wrong with this.

After three years I’d expect to be included on things. Get rid OP and find someone who has cut the apron strings.

FFS, put on your trainers and start running. He is a world class mummy's boy and you clearly come in second place to everything else in his life. His family sounds very enmeshed, and that's a dynamic that will never change. You've wasted enough time with this man, get out.

His mummy still does his washing at 30.

That's really all you need to know.
That and the fact that you've been together 3 years and he still treats you like an afterthought. It sounds like a

I agree with Hope - after 3 years things should be moving forward - not being included in family things isnt very good - your his girlfriend!
At 30 years old he should be wanting to live his own life and not be still living his life around his mother!

Run away.

Highly abnormal for you to go along with this so passively.

On the plus side he gets his mum to do the washing instead of getting you to do it. Obviously a grown man can't do washing

Hell always be this way OP, sorry. At three years I'd expect some level of involvement in the house, as well as expecting him to be there for you when you need it, and making you a priority in others. Leave and find someone who isnt tied to his mummys apron strings

And you needed him when your mum was in a hospital, and yeah he was there for some of it. How kind of him, honestly I'm raging on your behalf. You deserve so much more than this OP

What are your thoughts on marriage?

It's really odd of his family not to invite you on get togethers. What happens at your family get togethers? Is he invited to them? It just seems bizarre NOT to include someone's partner to a family get together.

Does his facebook status say that he's in a relationship with you?

You will never be number one in his life as you should be - mummy will always come first. Unless you are ok with that, run.

I met the man who I thought I was going to marry, until I met his mother. After a weekend of being treated like shit on her shoe and him saying nothing, I ended the relationship. Broke my heart but I would never have accepted being treated like that by her again.

That’s just not on.
I’ve been where you are - at the very beginning of my relationship with dp, his family treated me like garbage (I was also left out of events) and dp said nothing due to his dm passively aggressively guilt tripping him. I was so hurt and ended up having firm words with dp, who recognised quite a lot of manipulative and toxic behaviour on their part and then stood up for me. It did result in a gap where he had no contact with them, but it strengthened our relationship massively, and now the in-laws know better and realise they cannot control him and do not try to. You must say something - it’s no way to live at all. And if he’s not willing to change, then i’d seriously reconsider whether this is how you want to be treated forever.

Sod that, she's coming over, stripping his bed and picking up his dirty clothes, what kind of a doormat does that when an adult son is 30 years old?
You will be expected to replace her immediately if you move in together, it sounds like you will never be included in family affairs.
I'd tell him you don't fancy mummys boys who can't pick up their own pants and leave. I would.
What do you get out of this relationship?

venice

Be honest with yourself here. What do you get out of this relationship?.

I would urge you to end the relationship, this is not worth any more pain. You've had three years already, do not let the sunken costs fallacy make you do another three in the forlorn hope he will somehow change.

If your partner does not separate his relationship from his mother with yours, it’s very likely that the relationship will fail or you’ll end up miserable. You're miserable now and this relationship has already failed.

There is only room for two adults in a relationship and if he sees a future with you he’ll deal with his issues. Which he does not and will not.

He is codependent and has an enmeshed relationship with his parents, his mother in particular. She is always right and you come second. He will probably allow her to do and say as she pleases while you get short thrift with him. She probably talks about you negatively to him, and he says nothing to defend you. If she doesn’t voice her ambivalence, it will show in her actions, and he will know.

You become his "beard"really for creating an external persona, an attempt on his part to try and fit in with the wider world. If things don’t work out, he can always convince himself that it was because you didn’t impress his mother or you weren’t as perfect as you should be.

You will never be number 1 in his life; his mother and parents have well and truly seen to that. They are completely subsumed by one another.

No, this is not normal. Or at least not normal in a healthy relationship with a fully functioning adult partner and extremely odd (by any reckoning) that three years in you're not being invited to family get togethers.

I've been following @Atilla on a number of threads today - she is putting things excellently and I keep quoting her: "There is only room for two adults in a relationship and if he sees a future with you he’ll deal with his issues. Which he does not and will not."

Time to cut your losses and find someone who wants to be your partner. And even if that takes a bit of time: better to be gloriously single than badly accompanied.

Sounds like the family either don’t know about you or dont like you.

Either way this won’t improve as he isn’t man enough to tell them that he’s happy with you.

So he either isn’t happy and doesn’t know how to break up with you (and is perhaps secretly hoping you break up with him) or he’s happy with things the way they are like some kind of man child.

Either way you deserve better. Dump and move on. His controlling family are too much for him to go up against and you’re right he’s a total mummies boy.

He doesn't consider you as part of his family. You seem to be in a separate less important category.

This isn't going to end well, sorry.

He is a user op.. Bet he is available when he wants a shag.
Cut your losses.
Ltb..

You are sooooooo far out in the cold here.

His family have actively, publicly and pointedly snubbed you with the birthday events. Why did he allow this to happen - would you if it were the other way round?

He has shown you no kindness and respect when you needed his support.

KNOW that you mean v little to him, his family are toxic and unhealthy and will continue to exclude and marginalise you.

You deserve much more than this. This isn’t sustainable. Bin this shower of shits and find friendship with people who value you

Get rid @venice2020 he should be involving you in family get togethers and he sound like his mum will always be his number 1 priority, sorry to say you wont be as he will never change.