Should I leave and IVF alone?

[haventmadesourdoughbread]

Sorry for the long post
I’m 43, I didn’t meet my husband till my mid/late 30s, I was happy but apparently my husband never has been. He blames me and our marriage when anything negative happens to him. We’ve had counselling but he’s still miserable and lockdown has made it worse. He keeps saying he wants to leave but he won’t (his parents split up badly and it affected the children so I think he scared to be the one to do it)
We have a 4 year old girl conceived via IVF (mainly because he hardly ever wants sex with me and seemed to deliberately avoid my fertile times). He wanted a child more than me but my “condition” was 2 children as I am an only child who had old parents who have both died and I didn’t want my child to have to go through that alone. I was very very clear on that and was clear I would rather have no children than just one. We’ve had one round of IVF for number 2 had agreed 3) but he has now said he’s so unhappy with “us” he wants to stop IVF. I think basically he’s forcing me to make the decision to leave
So my question is do I give up a sibling for DD and stay with a man who actively says he doesn’t like me and has been miserable for years or do I leave and if I leave do I try IVF alone even though due to my age there is a high chance it won’t work? I can't wait to find someone else due to age
Has anyone here had IVF alone at an older age and with no support network? Im worried I’m
being selfish wanting another child and that I’m giving up financial security for unknown but I will resent him if I stay and give up my chance for child 2 and he leaves later anyway. TIA

I’m not sure you have the option of staying, it sounds like your marriage is over. While you feel you were clear about wanting two children, it’s not promised to any of us and he’s allowed to change his mind, anyone is, especially if the relationship goes south. The current dynamic isn’t a happy or healthy one for your existing child so honestly I’d get a divorce, make it as amicable as possible, focus on your child and on being decent coparents with her father. Your daughter doesn’t need a sibling but she does deserve a happy home and doesn’t sound like she has one right now. It’s sad for you your plans have changed but that’s just how it happens.

If you had IVF alone would you be using donor sperm? If so they wouldn’t be full siblings anyway. And your daughter would have a dad while a subsequent child wouldn’t.

I had IVF at age 46 using an egg donor - a sibling for DD (using my own eggs). DP is father to both and we are together. Before Using the donor egg, I seem to remember that the clinic stating that our primary aim shouldn’t be a sibling for DD, but that we wanted a child in their own right (if that makes sense??). Have to say I was concerned about using an egg donor and my age, but my second pregnancy was much smoother than my first - and the amount of love I have for DS is completely overwhelming. His sister adores him and it has definitely enhanced her life. Doing it alone would be hard, and I’d maybe have a chat to an IVF clinic before considering this move. If you have the financial and emotional support you feel you need to do it alone, I think it’s definitely worth considering.

So DD is my egg, DS is egg donor - hope that made sense!!

Leave. Get a sperm donor.

Are you sure you need IVF with a sperm donation, given you didn't get pregnant previously because you didn't have sex when fertile?

Whether you decide to have IVF for a second child or whether you find that you and DD are happy as a Team of Two, LTB should be top of your agenda.

A happy, consistent and predictable home environment for both you and DD is your priority.

Do NOT have "a sibling". I don't even know where to start with how wrong that is!

Do have another child because you personally want another child regardless of their relationship with your first.

Do end your marriage whatever your decision with regards to children.

Leave.

Do it on your own xxx drop the dead weight of him and be happy. Go for ivf on your own x I would.

Thanks for the replies,

I realise I perhaps worded my post in a way that makes it sound like having a sibling is my only motivation for DC2. DC2 wouldn’t be just for a sibling for my DD, i really want another child, I love everything to do with being a mother more than I ever imagined I would and I want another child if I can mainly because of that

@TorkTorkBam Id never considered a sperm donor and no IVF (not sure if my age would be an issue but I will look into it)

Thanks @Corruptedtongue is very useful to know. Egg donor is something I might consider if things drag on and my eggs reduce etc

No doubt once i leave I will start to worry that the age gap will be too big (I'm a worrier)

I can't help with your decision but as an only child of ( now dead) older parents and married to an only child, I applaud your sentiments on a second child.
Having no family is awful.

@glitterbiscuits thank you for responding, it's helpful to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.
I know you can't guarantee siblings will be close and like or support each other but I want to try to do as much as I can

If you do look into using a donor, read about epigenetics. It’s fascinating.

“I love everything to do with being a mother more than I ever imagined I would and I want another child if I can mainly because of that” - that’s lovely OP. Don’t think the sibling reason should be factored out tho as another poster seemed to indicate. It’s just such a joy to see them play together, they adore each other. My DD is 9 - it’s a really nice age gap, she dotes on him and is very helpful. He finds her hysterical. Good luck OP! Xx

GIve up the relationship because of what the relationship is rather than the number of children. His attitude says it all tbh.
If you remove the secog child factor (and your dd tbh) from the equation, does it look like a good rlationship to you? I don't think so but you are the only person who can really tell.

If once you are alone, you want to go for it alone, then do so.

But I don't think the two should be related.

Btw, I am an only child and this is the reason why I really wanted two dcs. So I get where you are coming from.

My dh is one of two and only wanted one because he spent his childhood fighting with his dsis and still doesnt get on with her (they see each other about 2 or 3 times a year at my PIL. That's it)....

I think you may end up resenting each other and possibly break up further down the line when it will be much more difficult to get pregnant. From your OP the answer to leave seems obvious unless there's other factors involved we are not aware of. Do you have the financial ability to have another child on your own?

I think regardless of you have a second child or not that you should leave him. He sounds awful.

If when you've left, if you want another child, then yes, go down he donor route

It’s just such a joy to see them play together, they adore each other.

Me and my brother fought like cat and dog when we were kids so it's not a given that anyone would experience that joy!

Thanks everyone I can’t make him happy (I feel I've tried though he would disagree) so for my own self respect I need to go. Its hardly a good example to DD to stay when I’m clearly not respected or liked.
He’s been threatening to leave for so long that I think I’ve mentally prepared for it so it isn’t upsetting me as much as I thought.
With regards IVF I think I will go ahead as I don’t want to regret not trying.
I have some inheritance from when parents died so I will be ok if I’m sensible.
@Corruptedtongue I will look up epigentics. Was your DD 9 when your second came along? Do you find it hard being slightly older (I'm worried about being worn out!)

I agree , even if you don’t have another child you must leave this man.
He sounds awful and you have to question what does he bring to your relationship?
Please leave and have a wonderful life with your child and maybe your 2nd child.

You need to be realistic. The chances of getting pregnant and carrying the baby to term at 43 with donor sperm is low, mainly because you'd need to do it every month for a year to have a decent chance and that's assuming you still a decent quantity and quality of eggs.

With IVF, the chances are even lower, probably less than 5% if that unless you are doing IVF with previously frozen eggs.

I think you might have to come to terms with the fact that your dd might be an only child but it doesn't have to be the same experience as you. I know a few people who are only children, of different ages and they are fine with it, some even grateful. Your experience doesn't have to what your DD will experience.

She was 9. I did the couch to 10k running course just prior to treatment, and I think this helped massively. I didn’t put on nearly as much weight as when I was of with DD. Made a very conscious effort to eat healthily during pregnancy. DS was transverse so I had a c section which was FAR easier than natural birth with DD. The only problems I had initially was back ache, but that’s gone now and I’ve really strengthened up.

There are a couple of issues here

1 - you are in an unhappy marriage - if that's the case leave as your DD will soon pick up on it and will start to negatively affect her

2 - no you shouldn't produce a fatherless child "just" to provide your DD with a sibling.

Leave your dp and review.Regardless of whether you have another child both of you deserve some happiness.
Do it now so you can start your new life.

@dontdisturbmenow fair points. i had a good childhood and was mainly happy as an only child. It changed when i had to deal with my ill parents and their subsequent deaths. I felt very alone when I had no one to discuss things with (my friends, though sympathetic, had no experience of these matters). Years later I still find It hard as everyone I know still has both parents. I know a lot of only children feel similar especially when their parents get ill etc.

As I said earlier I also know I can't guarantee DD would get on with a sibling but I want to give her the chance

The IVF clinic are honest about my age but I don't want to regret not trying whilst I still can (hence why I can’t wait till I find a new partner etc)
Its why I had agreed with my husband to only have a set number of tries. I also don’t want IVF to become all consuming and for it to impact my relationship with DD.

If after 3 tries it doesn't happen I will move on and focus on my life with DD but be content that I gave it a good shot

Thanks @Corruptedtongue glad to hear it’s all going well for you. I’m doing couchto5k currently so maybe that will help me too!

In terms of my relationship with DP - we are not intimate, we bicker - but love each other like siblings? I used to get massively annoyed over doing practically all childcare/housework. However I now don’t work, and accepting this as my role, why DP provides the finances. I have no expectations - and give myself space. We seem to be getting along better this way.