I need some help on a reply please

[passerbye]

Situation is that communications between me and my DH are strained. Lockdown isn’t helping. We’ve had a consistent problem over the years where he says something derogatory/insulting with a big smile under the banner of “it’s a joke” fine. I can take a joke but then when i bat back or answer back like for like or defend myself or say “whatever” it always results in a “oooh she’s getting angry” or “why are you getting angry”. I can then say “I’m not angry” but it’s always then ending up with him taking moral high ground with “it was just a joke no need to get angry” by this time I am getting angry! I wasn’t angry at the initial comment just not amused. I don’t find everything he says funny if it’s at my expense when it’s unnecessary, unjustified and I’ve done nothing to provoke any of these comments! It seems like he takes any opportunity to have a little dig. I don’t know why he does it and unless I just blindly smile and nod along humouring whatever he has decided to say then I’m “angry”. I’d like some ideas for suitable comebacks please that I can rehearse so the next time he does it I’m prepared. I’ve had enough of the angry accusations. It details my day and quite honestly leaves me feeling worthless because he then spends the whole day smug that he’s proved me to be “angry person” again. I like a joke but I don’t see why it always has to be at my expense. I don’t do that to him.
I’ve thought of “who died and made you Les Dawson” or something like that and then when he says about getting angry I can then say “so you can dish it but not take it eh”
Any other ideas please

Yeah, I've got an idea.

Everytime he makes a goady comment, retaliate by saying "you know, my boyfriend before you had a much bigger cock" . If he takes offence say you were only joking. And do it every time.

Go on, say it today the first opportunity you get and then come back here and report what his reaction was.

A snappy response back to him will not help you at all, the underlying problem (i.e him) still remains.

I would instead seriously consider whether you want be with him at all now.

Abuse (and this is what you are describing here) is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. Your H wants absolute here over you by means of "banter" or otherwise insulting you to big up his own self or otherwise make you feel worthless. This works for him too. He does this also because he can and feels entitled to act like this. It may well be learnt behaviour in that one or both his parents act like this. He will not change, you can only change how you react to him.

This sounds awful and he sounds like a twat.

Before he does it today, ask him if you can have a chat-say very calmly that when you do these jokey digs at my expense it doesn’t make me angry, it hurts me and I feel very sad about it. I would really like you to know that I am hurt by both your comments and the “you’re angry” retorts and I would like you to stop. If he tries it, say only once-this is what I am talking to you about. If he still does it later then you know he actually doesn’t give a shit about you, your relationship or your feelings and you can plan accordingly-and yes then do the my ex had a bigger cock and was better at the sex than you are...

You shouldnt have to think of comebacks. He should have packed it in the moment he knew it was upsetting you. Agree about the ex having a bigger dick comment though!!!!

You can think of the cleverest, wittiest reply in the world but it won't stop him being a nasty arsehole.

Had this with various people over the years. Roll your eyes and say oh you can give it but you can't take it... And If he starts to argue after that, ask him seriously why are you getting so angry.that's a short term solution. The long term is you will have to sit down and have a proper conversation about why he feels he needs to do this and how it makes you feel

A witty retort won’t solve the underlying problem.

Put you energy into finding out why you haven’t got rid of him. If it’s supposed love then question what kind of love tolerates abuse and a lack of respect.

If he “great with the kids“ then just know he will do it to them.

Try, 'I'm leaving you.' Say it completely deadpan. Followed by, 'And no I'm not angry, I'm happy.'

Then walk away.

Then contact a solicitor.

It really shouldn't come down to you putting your energy into finding a workaround for his shit attitude towards you. He should just drop the shit attitude.

Although obviously I love @JamieLeeCurtains suggestion.

Can you give an example of something he would say?

“it was just a joke no need to get angry”
'Jokes are supposed to be funny you disrespectful cunt.
Get away from me right now and only come back when you have something nice to say.'

I fucking hate the word 'banter'. It's an excuse for people to say horrible hurtful things under the guise of 'a joke'
It's not a joke.

'You are an unfunny asshole and I'm dumping you. Get out!'

The problem really isn't a lack of witty comeback. Do you like each other?

Even if you can't "take a joke", it doesn't matter. You don't like it, you've asked him to stop. If he doesn't care that he's upsetting you, if he gets off on weird spiteful point scoring, what is the point?

You shouldn't be asking for good comebacks, you should be asking for advice on accepting this relationship is over because your boyfriend is a dick who would rather wind you up and make you feel sad than be nice to you.

Seriously, read this back over. You wrote this. Why are you accepting this behaviour and continuing the relationship? He's a dickhead bully.

I’ve had enough of the angry accusations. It derails my day and quite honestly leaves me feeling worthless because he then spends the whole day smug that he’s proved me to be “angry person” again.

Only be nasty to him if you’re sure he won’t hit you. Guys can give it out but can’t take it back so retort to violence.

“If I’m that (insert derogatory term he used) why is someone as ‘wonderful’ as you clearly think you are still with me. You’re pathetic”

“Yeah if I’m (insert derogatory term he used) you’re the arsehole who’s married to me. Hurry up and phone a divorce lawyer and get on with it if I’m so bad”

“Really? Is that the best you can do. I feel sorry for you. Your mates must laugh at you behind your back”

If you had a cock as big as your mouth you’d have something to crow about, I told this to my stepmoms brother who was sarcastic and put down women all the time, but seriously you need to think about leaving this can pull you down and down down.

This is classic bully behaviour. It’s abusive and deliberate. KNOW that.

He holds deep contempt for you - he wants to hurt you and make you angry - and to disorientate you so that you take responsibility and blame for feeling put down.

He is hiding behind “a joke” - the “banter” - that’s what all bullies do when you react. I suppose you are “too sensitive” and “no fun” as well.

It’s v painful to come to the understanding that he gets an emotional kick out of yanking your chain and then another by spinning it all back on you.

You don’t need a witty retort. You already know that love is based on kindness and respect - he is not showing these to you. You need to think about that for a bit.

In the interim - drop the rope, take yourself out of emotional punching distance - mentally detach in your head and when another attack comes your way - withdraw - don’t give him the emotional kick he is looking for by reacting.

Why wait for him to dish out today's insult? Get in there first and insult him with a big smile on your face and see how he takes it.

I fucking hate the word 'banter'. It's an excuse for people to say horrible hurtful things under the guise of 'a joke'

This ^

He doesn't actually like you much.