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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH hit me when he was psychotic

18 replies

Plump50 · 20/05/2020 21:20

DH had his first episode a year after we were married. He has bipolar 1, which means that he gets acutely manic and psychotic (loses touch with reality). He hit me and did loads of weird and destructive stuff. Long story short, I stayed, tried to support and help him, we had three kids, I stepped up to be the main breadwinner, he responded really well to medication, and then he repeatedly (and lying to me) stopped taking them because he didn't like the side effects and didn't believe he'd get ill again.
He did, of course.
The last time was 2 years ago. He got psychotic again and physically aggressive to me. I grabbed the kids and ran. He also ran up huge debts as we were in the middle of a building project, and I have gone back to work full time to pay off those debts.
I know there's no future to this relationship, but I agreed that he could move in with us during lockdown so that he wasn't on his own, as I was worried what he would do if he was by himself for so long and the kids need to see him.
I'm torturing myself trying to understand how someone so loving could inflict such pain on his wife, breaking all the promises he made to protect me and the kids from the effects of his illness. I'm also going a bid mad having him in the house 24/7 during lockdown, having to act like it's all ok when he's hurt me so much. And I love his family to bits, but feel they just don't understand how awful he is when he's ill.
Just looking for some words of wisdom and comfort! Please be gentle, I'm feeling pretty sore.

OP posts:

Fairydust93 · 20/05/2020 21:35

I'm so sorry you are going through this, you are incredible! Have you tried both of you going therapy together? Or do you think it's past that point?

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 20/05/2020 21:40

So sorry to hear this OP. Not the same but my best friend has bipolar 2 and also goes through phases of not taking her meds as every time she's feeling well she convinces herself she's cured and won't get ill again. She's in and out of hospital with it quite often with it. She doesn't have any dependants or a partner because she doesn't want to end up in basically your situation (but from the other side). She has a dog but when she's unwell she really struggles to care for him. I can only imagine how hard she'd find it if she had a partner and kids and all those financial and domestic responsibilities.

Having said that, although I can try to empathise with your husband, ultimately its you and your children who are bearing the brunt of this. Between the physical abuse and the debt you are doing the right thing by leaving. I understand why you've agreed to share a house for lockdown but please put yourself first and make your safety the priority. Sending you lots of hugs x

Original poster

Plump50 · 20/05/2020 21:42

@Fairydust93 thank you! Yes, we have been for family therapy - twice in fact, once after the first episode and then 8 years ago when he had another episode and admitted that he hadn't been taking his meds for 2 years. That time he hid all the phones so that I couldn't call anyone to tell them he was ill.

Sounds totally ridiculous reading that, but it was really scary.

I think we're past the point of treating this like a relationship issue. It's about his awful illness - which isn't his fault - and his attitude to managing it - which I've realised eventually and after a long time is his responsibility. I can't help him any more.

OP posts:

Babdoc · 20/05/2020 21:51

OP, you have to put your children and yourself first here. Your DH is not cooperating with treatment and is a risk to you and the children during psychotic episodes. Patients have murdered family members while psychotic.
Do not feel guilty. This is all your DH’s problem, and it was his choice to recklessly default treatment.
You need to focus on damage limitation and making a new life without him, for the sake of the kids’ and your own safety.

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/05/2020 21:54

You and your children are in danger.

Why are you sacrificing yourself and them to this terrifying man.

Just because he has MH issues doesn’t mean he is ruler and king and you have to bow down and suffer for the rest of your life because you have to #BeKind and #BeNice and #BeTheGoodGirlYouWereConditionedToBe.

You do not have to stay with this frightening destructive man. Please keep your children safe.

Chachang · 20/05/2020 22:01

Unfortunately it's not uncommon for people to stop their medication (for a plethora of reasons, which to someone of sound mind seem irrational and unreasonable), and there isn't the support in place within the community really to try and help them. That said, it doesn't mean that you have to put yourself and your children in an environment with him because it's not his 'fault'. He really has a choice whether to seek help, it is hard to access MH services as you probably know, but if he was medication he likely has before; or to have you and your children distance yourselves, which would be understandable. It's really hard, please think of yourself too.

pointythings · 20/05/2020 22:02

I honestly think you have done everything you could. The only person who can manage his illness consistently is him, and ultimately it's his choice not to do so. After lockdown, take steps to end the relationship once and for all and prioritise yourself and the DC.

Mary1935 · 20/05/2020 22:03

Plump50 run run run.
It’s all about him!!!
Give yourself your life. Don’t let him take it all away.
Protect your children.

MarylandMayhem · 20/05/2020 22:14

By choosing not to take his medication he is making the choice to get ill and so is making the choice to hurt you.

He's a parent , he needs to grow up and suffer the side effects like most of us do for the good of our families.

Original poster

Plump50 · 20/05/2020 22:15

Thank you all for the sympathy and advice.

The relationship is over, and I have told him we need to get divorced. For all the reasons you wise people have said - protecting myself and the kids; and also financially. I feel very naive but I didn't realise that when he goes on a manic spending spree (a common thing with bipolar), the money he spends is regarded as coming out of our joint assets, so it reduces the pot to split between us.

I had no idea 20 years ago when he was diagnosed that there is so little help for partners and families of people with serious mental health conditions. When I've looked to the psychiatrists and GPs for help, I've been told to call the police if I feel in danger from him! That's literally all the help that's available!

I think lockdown is making me go round in circles looking for answers when there aren't any. We get on so well and make each other laugh - I really don't think this is a case of LTB - and we're both heartbroken that it's come to this. But I'm really worried that trying to work through the practicalities of a divorce is going to test the goodwill that we have and also his mental resilience.

OP posts:

pointythings · 20/05/2020 22:24

It's going to be hard and this is definitely a tragic situation, not a LTB one. But it's what you have to do. You can't stay on the rollercoaster and he's had a lot of chances to be properly compliant with his medication regime. It's sad, because a lot of people with either type of Bipolar do very well if they stay on their meds.

Chachang · 20/05/2020 22:29

Yep, it's a disgrace.

FreshStart13 · 20/05/2020 22:53

It is tragic. He might be a great guy when not manic and he can't help having a mental health condition, but he is choosing not to take medication. He's putting his desire not to take medication over the safety of his family. It's his choices that are responsible for you all being in a situation where divorce is necessary to protect you and your children financially, emotionally and physically. When you're feeling worried about his MH and resilience maybe it will help to remind yourself that his choices are the reason your family is in the situation. He's responsible for the consequences of his actions, whatever stress the divorce process puts him through that's not on you. All you're doing is making the best choice you can for you and your children based on the situation his choices have put you in.

Opaljewel · 20/05/2020 22:58

My sister has type 2 bipolar and luckily has never had a psychotic episode!

She is on medication full time and she never misses it. It really does help although there are times she can still get down, it is largely managed.

I have found that lots of people with bipolar all react with it differently.

What we found with my sister, was that it took several tries of different medication until she found the right one that fit her. She tried all sorts including lithium.

So it sounds like your husband gave up too quickly with the meds because it doesn't sound like he tried different ones?

Obviously that's not your problem if you are separating. But maybe it's a suggestion for him for the future?

I sympathise for you both. Bipolar is awful to live with as a family member and the sufferer.

Although my sister has never been violent, I can imagine when someone goes psychotic he never meant to hurt you if he wasn't in his right mind.

However you are doing the right thing. The kids do not need to witness that and you don't need to go through that.

Stay strong. You're doing just fine!

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 21/05/2020 05:19

Your sister wouldn't have a Bipolar 2 diagnosis if she'd ever experienced a psychotic episode.

Type 2 only results in hypomania, not psychosis. That's the main difference between that and type 1.

justilou1 · 21/05/2020 05:36

It is quite likely his family DO know what he is like and they see you as as his and their savior. (My DB has MH problems and my DM used to throw money at and lovebomb any woman who paid him aattention to get her on side. She was always described in glowing terms until the cracks began to show, and then it was all “ungrateful bitch...”)

RedTitsMcGinty · 21/05/2020 06:12

I’m so sorry. I’ve been through this with my ex-husband. It’s heartbreaking not being able to ‘fix’ things, but you can’t fix this and you’re damaging your own mental health by trying. Let him go. Let him move in with his family. He’s no longer your responsibility, no matter how much you want to help. Your children don’t need him to be there round the clock, not if you’re walking on eggshells, holding your breath until the next episode. They will adapt. They will thrive in the stability. Trust me, it’s like a weight is lifted when you step back.

Original poster

Plump50 · 21/05/2020 22:11

I've been feeling stronger today reading these messages. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

One foot in front of the other, and keep going!

OP posts:

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