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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can some men change?

17 replies

IvyMayaZ · 20/05/2020 09:57

I was with my ex for 4 years we have a son who is 3. The relationship wasn’t good because of his lack of interest in me and being a family. At the end he cheated and we broke up. It’s been about 6months. He showed a lot of guilt over what he’s done and said he wasn’t ready for family (we got pregnant accidentally-condom broke my guess). He is coming to see me and his son often(three times a week for a past 4months always asking if I need anything from shop etc). He did started therapy over Skype and trying to make me go to counselling with him so we can finally be a family. He owned up to his mistakes and realised When I was gone how much he loves me and that he was just lost with himself and it had nothing to do with me...because of him for three years not being there at all (telling me I’m not the one, not wanting to spend time with me...) I am doing my thing and wanna see how consistent he is before even considering getting back together. I would like to hear your opinions ...

OP posts:

PowerStruggle · 20/05/2020 10:01

I think we are all capable of change and growth. Protect yourself and your son, but don’t rule out a second chance if you think there’s a possibility.

I was with my now husband from ages 17 - 27 we broke up for various reasons, including our own desire for independent personal growth. We didn’t expect to come back together, but that’s where life took us - best decision we’ve ever made. I think be open minded and trust your instincts, it’s also entirely possible that you just maintain a good relationship to co-parent.

You’ve got this!

Tableclothing · 20/05/2020 10:04

How long have you been split up?

longwayoff · 20/05/2020 10:06

Unlikely. Don't waste any more time hoping for it, you've spent years of your life with him already. Move on.

WickedlyPetite · 20/05/2020 10:10

You've only been broken up 6 months and 2 of those we've been in lockdown.

Not enough time and not a 'real life' situation to see if he's really changed - it's easy to play the good guy when all you're doing is visiting a few times a week.

Original poster

IvyMayaZ · 20/05/2020 10:12

@Tableclothing we broke up 6 months ago and his desires to be back together has been consistent for 4 months now ...

@PowerStruggle thank you - very helpful

I wouldn’t get back with him straight away - I need more time to think and work on myself and see if he is really serious ...

OP posts:

Original poster

IvyMayaZ · 20/05/2020 10:16

@WickedlyPetite I know - that’s why I need to wait a bit longer when lockdown is over. He shows interest in coming to be with us daily ...

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2020 10:17

trying to make me go to counselling with him so we can finally be a family
This is the bit I don't like.
Why do you have to go?
He is doing great doing his own but he needs to concentrate on that before roping you in.

Original poster

IvyMayaZ · 20/05/2020 11:41

He told me to take my time but it would be good for us to go to reconnect

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 20/05/2020 12:02

I need more time to think and work on myself and see if he is really serious.

That's a good idea.

Do you still love him though?

haggistramp · 20/05/2020 12:34

No, i dont think they can. I know this isnt your circumstances but I remember reading about a therapist who had worked with thousands of couples regarding domestic violence. She said that in over 12 years of working with these people, she had not managed to successfully change even one mans behaviour. I think in the end she changed her role to focus on women, to give them the tools to avoid/leave/stay away from arsehole men and I think she was much more successful in that area.

litterbird · 20/05/2020 14:09

So sorry, I am in my mid 50s and have been around many couples and been through relationships myself. I can honestly say that none of my exes have changed and have reproduced the problems that occurred in our relationships now in their current relationships. I have seen many a couple break up and make up over the years to no avail, the pattern of previous behaviour just returns after the honey moon period. Sorry OP I know you want it to be a better answer but sadly people fundamentally dont change.

1235kbm · 20/05/2020 14:41

OP he cheated on you. How many times has he cheated on you? He sounds very immature and selfish.

He's missing his home comforts and it's more expensive supporting two households. Has he been paying child support?

He had the opportunity to step up and take care of his family when he was living with them but he chose to disengage and cheat instead.

Let him continue with counselling, though it smacks to me of serial cheats labelling themselves 'sex addicts' and getting therapy. It's a gesture and doesn't mean anything. People cheat because they want to.

Don't go to counselling with him OP.

longwayoff · 21/05/2020 09:02

Ohhhhh. He won't change. He doesn't need to. He doesn't want to. He's got what he wants, doing as he wishes and having you around as well hanging on his every word. Therefore if change is what you want, you'll need to do the changing. Change your 'partner' and your future aspirations. He is neither use nor ornament. Don't accept such a low level of respect from anyone, especially from any more potential partners.

Babdoc · 21/05/2020 09:12

I agree with PPs - it sounds like he is regretting the loss of his home comforts and is not enjoying coping on his own, especially during lockdown, so is trying to weasel his way back in.
I’d be very wary of being taken for a fool twice, OP. Men like this are very cunning at lovebombing you, saying all the right things you want to hear, making great promises of change etc. It all reverts to normal once they’ve suckered you back into line as their housekeeper.

TheVanguardSix · 21/05/2020 09:36

He wants back in because you're option B. Option A (the fling) didn't work out. So now he wants you back. What about your child? Where does he fit in? You almost paint your DC as the excuse for your lousy relationship. If the condom didn't break, would your relationship be that great? If he wasn't such baggage, would you and your ex have never broken up? Read your OP again. In between the lines, I read about a child being surreptitiously blamed for your shitty relationship. You and your DC have shouldered the blame for the fact that the man you've spent 4 years with is unhappy, miserable, and not able to give of himself emotionally to the people who should matter most. And your ex is this way because that's who he is. Nobody has made him this way.
Do you not think more of yourself or your child, OP? Put a higher value on yourself! Kick this joker to the kerb for good. He's shown you who he is for 4 years. He wants you now because Miss Thang on the side didn't want him.
I have been exactly in your shoes. To the letter. I too had the 3 year old at the time. I took him back. Oh boy. I learned the hard way. But I learned.
What have the past 4 years with him taught you?

TheVanguardSix · 21/05/2020 09:43

his desires to be back together has been consistent for 4 months now

And his lousy behaviour over the course of 4 years trumps 4 months of pseudo-good boy charm (2 of those months in lockdown!). Don't be fooled, is my final word.

I was swoooned back into my relationship with my ex, OP. It was almost comical (except it was my happiness on the table!) how swiftly things fell apart once we got back together. It was extremely painful. And it did our DC no good!

Whatisthisfuckery · 21/05/2020 09:50

No, don’t do counselling with him. He’s force teaming you.He’s creating an obligation in common with you. No matter what his motives for this, and I doubt they are as pure as he makes out, do not be sucked into it.

He’s had his chances OP, chance after chance after chance by the sounds of it. Funny how he’s only suddenly had an epiphany after you dumped him. Anything to do with not having his socks washed, meals cooked and sex on demand I wonder?

Do your own thing and work on yourself. Your goal should be learning to love yourself and not need anyone else. This can take a long time but it’s the only way to ever end up in a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries in the happy, respectful relationship you deserve. After all that if you see he has changed and you still both want to get back together then you can consider it, but not yet, because the patterns of your past relationship will just repeat. In all probability if you grow as a person in your own right he will become far less attractive of a proposition and you won’t even consider it, but that is for much further down the line.

The suggestion of counselling is to lock you in emotionally to getting back together with him. It is designed to turn your efforts to concentrating on doing what he wants, and that is not beneficial for either you or the DC at this point, only for him and what he wants.

Please limit contact with him to DC related only via email, and stop letting him visit your home. He’s using it as a way to drip emotional manipulation into your ear, and you’ll never be able to move forward with anything while you’re providing him with opportunities to mess with your head.

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