His low testosterone and arguments.

[1LoveMakeUp]

We are late 20’s, have had issues in the bedroom for a year now. Like most, our sex life was amazing at first. A year ago he was diagnosed with a prolactinoma (Tumour that kills the sex hormone) alongside that low testosterone.
From my side, I had to go through months of rejection from him in the bedroom while feeling unattractive and confused. I am thankful he sought help from the doctor and we have answers. He will be starting treatment in the coming weeks.

Alongside this, we have constantly bickered throughout the relationship and had unhealthy communication. It’s only now that we both realise.

You’re probably wondering why I stayed. Aside from the above, of course he has good points. He has always been a loving, affectionate, caring man by his actions. Hard working, ambitious, craves to provide. His downfalls are he tends to lack energy and get work stressed from being a work-a-holic. Sometimes resulting in taking it out on me and us rowing.

Things came to a head two weeks ago, bickering too much and I suggested he move out. I am unsure about reconnecting. He is most certain how he feels, he loves me and wants to make it work. My heart agrees but my head tells me the relationship wasn’t working. Then I find myself thinking “If we do X,Y,Z it could work”. Then I think “There’s more fish in the sea” and I go round in circles.

Can anyone give me an outsiders opinion and some advice?

May I also add; We both have similar goals in life. Settle down, have a family. However, we haven’t had full sex for one year due to his condition. Without sounding harsh, I fear I may never be able to have a child if I stay.

DH has v low testosterone, rock bottom. We found out when he was having blood tests for something else.

We don't know why.

Anyway he was still functional, as it were. And while hormones affect us a lot, there was nothing obviously wrong with him.

He's been on testosterone Therapy pretty high dose for a year or so now.

I have noticed no change in his behaviour or sex appetite.

Obviously everyone is different and I don't know your DH! But the things you mention, bickering since the start, unhealthy communication, not reassuring you he still finds you attractive, don't sound good at all.

If you have reservations then it's not working. The testosterone thing is possibly a red herring I think.

Leave leave leave. Fgs what if you have Children and he takes his mood out on them? But that fact he takes it out on you is bad enough!

It isnt working. Dont force it.

Stop wasting your life on something that will lead to unhappiness

@ILikeSardines
Thankyou for sharing, very interesting that you saw no difference.
Dp’s consultant believes with trt his appetite will return.

@LilyMarshall He has reassured me constantly I’m beautiful, he loves me, tries to make up for his condition with other means of affection. However it’s not the same.

I’ve told him I still need time to think. I know it will break his heart if I break up with him, he’s already a mess right now but I need to begin to think about my happiness.

His sex may recover but you've been bickering since the start and poor communication which is not good and sounds like not related to the testosterone thing if it's been like that from the start.

Sorry I'm sure that's not what you want to hear.

There is hope because the brain tumor has reduced his testosterone and so he does not feel need for sex. My dh went of sex but did go to GP. He was diagnosed with low testosterone and first given gel that made no difference then after about 4 months testosterone injections every 10 weeks. It gave him more energy and some sex drive. It was always good for first 5 weeks after injection then decreased over second half of cycle. I accepted he still loved me and could not help sex drive as down to low testosterone. Then one day in March 2019 he collapsed waiting for train at station. He was taken to hospital in ambulance. He was given MRI scan and it showed a tumour in pituitary and growing on optic nerve. He had lots of other test too. He was told they would monitor and re scan after 6 months. In September he was told it was still growing and he would need it removed or it would blind him. His sight had been deteriorating. Now we knew why. Basically he was given 2 appointments for operation but both cancelled due to lack of critical care beds. He finally had operation on March 6th this year. It was successful. He had surgery through his nose. He stayed in cc 4 days, then 3 more days on normal ward. He left hospital a day early to make space for Covid patients. It took 5 weeks more recovery at home during which he had dreadful headaches. His testosterone has come back and he no longer needs Injections. Sex is back on menu. It took 2 years and 3 months to sort it out but we'll worth being patient. During first year before he saw GP we had many bad days. I felt rejected no matter what he said. I cried a lot. There were days when I wondered if we would ever have sex again. Things improved once he saw GP because I recognised he was upset too and trying to improve things. Dh had different tumour to your dh. I don't think you need surgery with the one your Dh has. Give the treatment time to work. My dh took me out for romantic meals and weekend breaks to show me he still loved me. Your DH will need to find other ways to show his love for you until medication starts to work.

My husband has been treated for low Testosterone (a reading of 9) for the last 2 years.

Like you I went through a few years of rejection. We’d have sex once every 1-2 weeks (which was hard, as I have a very high sex drive and would prefer it 1-2 times a day).

As well as that, he wouldn’t ever be fully hard iykwim. I thought it was me, that he just wasn’t attracted to me. He would try to explain that he just had no drive. He was also perpetually grumpy.

He sought treatment - actually told the doctor he felt he had low T and pushed for treatment. He’s now on Nebido injections. Originally he was having them once every three months, but after 6 months there was no change. He went back and asked the endocrinologist if he could have the injection every 8 weeks instead and the endo agreed.

Within 6 months we began having sex every 2-3 days. Sometimes every day. He was given Tadafil to support erections originally, but as his testosterone went up, so did his ability to get a full erection. He also started getting erections at any little thing I did, if I wore leggings; if I was scrubbing the carpet; literally anything, which made me feel sexy again.

Not only is our sex life much better, but he’s happy. Low testosterone effects mood. It made him feel sad, though he could never put his finger on why he felt sad. That’s gone.

There was a time I felt like leaving, but I’m glad I stayed. He’s a great guy and deserved the opportunity to get himself well again, because low testosterone is not fun! It’s a medical condition.

Be warned, my husband had to push for his treatment. And had to ask for it to be administered more frequently. The endocrinologist was much better to deal with than our GP who would have happily left things.

@caringcarer Thanks for sharing.
He was diagnosed with low testosterone and first given gel that made no difference then after about 4 months testosterone injections every 10 weeks
My partner has also been given the gel. Doctor said he couldn’t find anyone to do injections due to covid 19 (Annoying but absolutely understandable)

Dh had different tumour to your dh. I don't think you need surgery with the one your Dh has. Give the treatment time to work
He has been given ‘Cabergoline’ to reduce tumour. Has been taking them for a month with little improvement. It has Lowered prolactin production but testosterone still at very low. Doctor said it was at 2.1 (I don’t know what that means)

My dh took me out for romantic meals and weekend breaks to show me he still loved me. Your DH will need to find other ways to show his love for you until medication starts to work
That is exactly how a loving partner should be, what a decent man he is. May I ask how old he is?
My partner also spoils me with things like that.

I forgot to mention that DH had his pituitary gland checked. No tumour, it just wasn’t working.

And when he was at his worst, we would only have sex every 1-2 weeks because I think he thought he would lose me otherwise. I don’t believe he enjoyed it as such and I think if I had a low sex drive, we could have gone months if not years without sex.

Op the gel is useless. My husband had this first. The nurse at the surgery has done his injection during Covid.

@DBML Thankyou for sharing aswell.

My husband has been treated for low Testosterone (a reading of 9) for the last 2 years
My partner had a reading of 8 which was considered low then went down to 2.1 !

I had a very similar experience as you. It’s like I could have written your post.
My partner is seeing an Endocrinologist who wanted to put him on TRT immediately but because we wanted children, he suggested Cabergoline to reduce tumour and see if it increases his testosterone. This all takes so long. All while the lack of sex is cashing a wedge between us.
His Endocrinologist has finally put him on TRT gel, starts it this week.
I’m glad you never split up and managed to work through it. May I ask how old he is and if this caused any problems in the relationship outside of the bedroom?
I see you said his mood changed, he was happy.
My partner has always seemed so negative and down, yet when I first met him, he was the most lively man.

@DBML
That’s very interesting that your DH had an injection during Covid 19. I wonder why the Endocrinologist told us my partner couldn’t?!

Yes I agree - If I had a low libido, my partner would have happily left the bedroom dead for a year. When we do things, he struggles to maintain and we end it in other ways..
It took a long time to realise it wasn’t me.

@ILikeSardines

That’s what I worry about also. That the arguing will have caused a physiological effect too. He assures me still wants to get our sex life on track but it’s a bit difficult now that I asked him to move out.

DH has just turned 40, but has been treated for a few years now. Our sex life began to reduce from I’d say 30.

By 35 He was a sad, low mood, low sex drive, pretend to be asleep whilst I cried in bed, kinda guy. This lasted a few years before he knew he needed to seek treatment.

Yes low T made him miserable. It can cause depression. He felt sad. A year on testosterone and he’s a different man! Happy, fun, lively and strong again!

Your case is more complicated if you want children as I believe my husbands treatment can cause infertility. There are alternatives though.

If he doesn’t get on with the gel, tell him to go back to the doctors. I can’t understand why there isn’t someone to do them? They are fairly routine. The gel is cheaper though, so I think they always try that first.

It does get better with the right treatment op. I can’t believe the difference. He’s like a horny teenager some days now. Anytime, anywhere appears to be his new motto!

@1lovemakeup, My dh was coming up to 51 when his libido started to go down. He was 52 when diagnosed with low testosterone. They found he had tumour later that year and offered surgery. His op was cancelled twice due to no critical care beds available. Then he finally got in and had op when 53. It was completely successful. They removed the whole tumour. He has to go back in hospital for another MRI scan and eye test at end of August. His employer has been brilliant. He was in hospital a week then another 5 weeks off recovery at home. Then he phased back to work. I am just so glad I got my loving DH back. His GP was not very helpful at first and kept asking him if he was depressed. He would not let him see specialist. After tumour found and he was under hospital consultant and saw endocrinology everything moved quicker.