I'm not sure I'm capable of having a relationship now.

[BilboBercow]

Lots of issues, self esteem stuff and subconsciously going for the wrong type all the time due to issues from childhood. I've had talking therapy on the NHS, not enough that I'm "fixed" just that I'm aware of why I'm like this.

I want to meet someone and I've been OLD on and off for years (single nearly 8 years) but I can't get past date 3 without getting the ick. Either I start to think they're not very bright and their chat becomes dull after a few dates, or I don't fancy them. 90% of the the time I ghost before we even meet because of them making overly flirty comments or calling me babe or something (not envy).

I know a LOT of this is me but I also struggle to differentiate between my issue and the guy actually being a bit of a dud. Worse I struggle to know if things are really red flags. I had a guy send me flower after two dates last year then he was texting constantly, and would text again an hour later if I hadn't replied. Then he asked me if we were "ok" and I promptly ditched him. I saw that as love bombing and being controlling. My friends think I make men insecure because I act so disinterested.

I don't know what I'm asking really... is there a way I can stop being like this without intensive therapy I can't afford?

You sound like me! Actually most men, the vast majority, are not for you. It's good that you don't drop your standards!

I'm ok, I'm not miserable being alone at all but I'm 39 and would like to hope I won't be alone forever. Is there a better way to meet someone than online dating?

My problem is when I actually am attracted to someone and interested in them that tends to be a sign they're bad for me.

Can I join the club?

I seem to find the nice ones too dull, not intelligent enough or some other thing annoys me about them.

The ones I like I recognise are (potentially) bad for me.

I haven't found that changes with how I meet them. Even people I've known a while or met through common hobbies, I have the same problem.

How was your relationship with your dad, OP? Or other male role models you grew up with?

A lot of what we're attracted to is based on the template we grew up with. I've known a couple of intelligent, independant-minded women who kept being attracted to boorish, sexist blokes just because that was the "normal" they'd grown up with - even if they knew they disagreed with it, it just felt comfortable to be around.

Toss my dad had an affair and my mum and dad split up when I was ten. They married too young and he was selfish. I probably never blamed him as much as I should have.
My mum was an anxious person and came across as critical and negative. Both impacted my self esteem and I have struggled with relationships as a result. I know the reasons, it's stopping those patterns from kicking in that's the problem. Psychotherapy would possibly help but I just can't afford it and they're not handing it out on the NHS so people who are otherwise functioning.

Agree. I’ve been single for a while now, tried OLD and dating in real life as it were, but the single men I meet all seem to me to be dull or have something about them I just don’t click with- it’s like I feel I would have to ‘settle’ now if I want a relationship. The men I would love to date are either already taken or don’t fancy me!

It's interesting to read this and how you think there is something wrong with you because my friend is similar to you and I think she's great! She will dump a guy because of 1 thing he said even though she really liked him, and I see that as really strong, not taking any shit and having good standards. The longest relationship she's had is 6 months but it's always been her call. I think it's good that you don't ignore any red flags and put yourself first