Does your OH do embarrassing things?

[OhPollocks]

Fiancé does some pretty grim things like licking his fingers when he's finished eating instead of using a tissue or napkin, the first time I found out he does it out in public too when we ate out I was so embarrassed, I thought some things you only do at home.

He walks around everywhere at home with no shoes on including the garden then puts his feet up on the couch and even the bed before I went mad once.

Doesn't flush if it's piss...

The first time I met his family at their home and stayed a few nights I was horrified to learn that the whole family does it too but since then I get where his nasty habits come from.

I get anxious and embarrassed about going visiting our friends.

It doesn't put me off marrying him as he is great in every other way but are all these a big BUT ?
I do tell him I don't like these horrible things he does as it's DIRTY but he just kind of laughs it off??! (Because it's NORMAL in his upbringing I guess)
Surely I'm not being a snob and these things are damn right nasty.
Is it a men thing?

You’re being ridiculous. Sure they aren’t the best habits but if that’s all he does you’ll be doing well.

It doesn't put me off marrying him

It should, be the disgust and frustration you feel now are I my going to amplify beyond all reasoning as the years go by. I would also be asking why he doesn't have more respect for how you feel. Being purposefully rank, knowing it really upsets you, and he just laughs it off? Fuck that and fuck him. How totally disrespectful. You're already anxious about visiting friends due to his behaviour? You think this is going to improve with age? He's showing you exactly who he is, and it's not good.

You need to have a serious rethink.

Er, what is wrong with walking around the house with no shoes on? Isn't that normal??

Licking fingers is a bit grim for an adult to do in a restaurant. I would have to say something about that. But not flushing after a wee is fine we don't as it's a waste of water. The barefoot thing wouldn't bother me either

Boak

I think all of these habits are a lot more normal/ widespread then you think! I would have no problems with walking around barefoot, leaving pee at night (although not at someone else's home/if I had a guest). Even licking fingers is fine in a cafe although not so great at a restaurant. If it's food you're eating with your hands why not. Couldn't bring myself to be bothered about any of these..

That being said if it bothers you this much now that's completely valid but you're going to have a lot of resentment about it years down the line.

Licking fingers - yuck.

But we walk around barefoot inside and outside. We sat in the garden this eve and now have our feet up on the sofa. Shockers!

Piss left in the loo? We don't do it, but it wouldn't bother me.

Not sure what the no shoes issue is. It's normal for me.

The other two aren't the worst offences either.

The issue for me is not that he does these things (i'm a barefoot non-flusher as well). The issue is really that you've told him that they bother you, and he doesnt have enough respect/affection for you to simply stop if he sees that its something that upsets you. My boyfriend makes model tanks... if i asked him to stop making them because the smell of glue bothered me, he absolutely would, because he loves me and wants me to be happy and comfortable in the home we share.

Christ ten years in and you will be getting stabby when he does that.

You might think it’s funny now but honestly it will soon turn to hate!

My boyfriend makes model tanks... if i asked him to stop making them because the smell of glue bothered me, he absolutely would, because he loves me and wants me to be happy and comfortable in the home we share.

Alternatively, if the smell of glue bothered you, you could find a way to avoid it/compromise because you love him and want him to be happy and comfortable in the home you share.

Happy relationships are not, in my experience, built on a foundation of control.

I just always think what if we have kids and they pick up on it. But I'm throwing away a lot more than I'll be gaining if I lost him, over some bad habits I would think.

My issue with his barefoot walking around is because his feet are black from the soil etc outside but he doesn't even think to wipe it down before throwing his tests up.

Op, I would be very concerned that your parenting styles will be miles apart. Doesn't that concern you?

Mine fancies himself an impressionist so will repetitively copy a phrase from whatever character voice he’s trying to master - he used to somewhat ignore me if I asked him to stop (when I’d had enough of hearing it) until the fateful day he kept repeating “Get down get to the chopper” in a crappy attempt at Arnold Schwarzenegger always directly at me, I hissed “Stop. Doing. That.” and I must’ve seemed pretty scary because he’s listened when I asked politely ever since.

I’m not saying model my behaviour, but have an eye to eye, this is important to me conversation - accept compromises on the things that are perhaps less aggravating (as some things may be bothering you more than they usually would because of the ones that bother you a lot).

• Not flushing after a wee - you can add something like - okay but when he knows you’re expecting guests/visiting guest he agrees he will. If it leaves marks (as a build up can occur if he’s one of those who goes several times before flushing) he cleans the toilet.

• Licking fingers, depends on where you’re eating and what you’re eating, if it’s a plate of wings I’m afraid licking your fingers is quite normal (at least any time I’ve been out and I/others have chicken wings). If at a more upscale place obviously table manners are a must (within reason no getting because he holds his knife and fork a bit ‘wrong’).

Wiping his feet - does he sweep/mop/hoover etc the floors very often? Or do you find yourself doing this task more? If he doesn’t do it much (I’m just guessing here but I’m betting he doesn’t) make a rota of housework and split cleaning the floors evenly, he might see sense when he’s the one having to clean up after himself - alternative “clean your damned feet!”

That’s how I’d approach it anyway, try to keep it light but make sure he knows this is how far you’re willing to go - if he cares about the long term he needs to show that he respects you enough to make a bit of effort.

Before anybody says I must be a shit person to live with I was the messy slob when I met DH and when we moved in together he had to have this kind of conversation with me . Unfortunately when I responded with my parts I didn’t foresee the obsessive attempts at impressions and didn’t add “not doing that all the sodding time” as one of my requests!

@Aquamarine1029 I'm not sure about miles apart as we agree on most aspects of things but we've had fairly different upbringings ourselves so I can't lie that that doesn't bother me at all. Besides things I've mentioned in this post there isn't anything else I could fault him on.

@NaviSprite thanks a lot for that, good to hear that actually it is something we can overcome. I think that's what it is I'm not being stern enough so he laughs it off and I didn't think of compromises and I'm just expecting him to stop so that's a good realisation.