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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my partner controling

27 replies

Samfrog · 19/05/2020 20:11

Need some advice please. I don't keep the best of health my partner doesn't like me working to much or doing anything for anyone else at first I thought he was being sweet now if I don't do what he wants he gives me the silent treatment. I also got a really difficult diagnosis and rather than listen to my worries he got mad with me that I'm worrying about this when covid is going on

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/05/2020 22:48

Certainly doesn't sound healthy.

Reach out for support IRL from family and friends.

Givng you the silent treatment for not obeying instructions is deeply controlling.
Flowers

pog100 · 19/05/2020 22:50

Sounds pretty shitty to me anyway. Doesn't matter if it's controlling or not, just get out if you aren't happy.

Tigersneeze · 19/05/2020 22:52

the silent treatment is a form of control

and if course should he be listening to you, it doesn't sound great tbh

LordOftheRingz · 19/05/2020 22:57

Bin him off, asap.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2020 09:46

So you aren't allowed to anything for anyone else.
But... if he wants something you are expected to do it for him.
If not you get stonewalled.
Doesn't give a shit about your worries.
Not great OP.
Well done spotting this.
Now you know what to do!

Original poster
Samfrog · 20/05/2020 14:46

Thanks for the advice. I definitely know what to do I just need to get the balls to do it somehow I've become dependent on him financially. I don't really have family I can rely on

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 20/05/2020 15:03

Do you have dc together. Do you rent your home. Could you move out and stay with family if you contact them.

Original poster
Samfrog · 20/05/2020 20:03

Luckily we have no ties I've asked him to stay at his while I'm at work gives me some time to get myself sorted. It's so hard I know things feel bad then he does something so nice and pulls me back in

OP posts:
Original poster
Samfrog · 24/05/2020 17:34

Well things took a turn. Police are now involved fingers crossed he doesn't come near the house I'm probably more on edge now

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 24/05/2020 17:38

You ok op ? Flowers

StopGo · 24/05/2020 17:40

Oh dear what a sad update. Hope you are alright?

Queenoftheashes · 24/05/2020 17:42

Ugh. Hope you’re all right. If police are involved it sounds like the controlling man is hopefully being given the boot.

Original poster
Samfrog · 24/05/2020 18:30

I'm ok thanks. He sent me a few threatening messages scared me so much that the police have decided to charge him with a domestic abuse. I'm really worried about the possible backlash

OP posts:
sunflowersandtulips50 · 24/05/2020 19:09

The police will support you and can give you a alarm thing you press in your home if he turns up. It doesnt sound like it has been a healthy relationship and when you have tried to instill some distance he has become abusive. Stay safe

Bunnymumy · 24/05/2020 19:13

Let them charge him op. These sorts need to know you are defended in order for you to stay safe.

Dropping charges just says to him that you are an easy target.

Sounds like he is a sociopath.

Hope you are somewhere safe!

TwentyViginti · 24/05/2020 19:20

Talk to the police and tell them how frightened and vulnerable you are.

Original poster
Samfrog · 24/05/2020 20:06

The police just phoned they didn't get him. He's been phoning and texting. I've to phone 999 if he turns up they know I'm scared

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 24/05/2020 20:12

They will get him op.

Are you still in his house?
Might be wise to go elsewhere if pos. You will have to asap anyway.

Put the keys in the locks to buy you some time if he shows.

Bunnymumy · 24/05/2020 20:13

Tell the neighbors too so they can keep watch for you.

Alonelonelyloner · 24/05/2020 20:13

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there. You are strong and brave. Stay close to the phone.

Original poster
Samfrog · 24/05/2020 20:16

I'm home he doesn't have keys to my flat but it's ground floor but my neighbors would probably say something if he does anything

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 24/05/2020 20:22

Hopefully he wont be stupid enough to come round. Dont answer the door no matter what. Keep your windows shut. They'll have him within a few days.

That's good you have your own place at least :)

As soon as you can, start thinking about how you can provide for yourself financially. Incase he tries to use that to work his way back into your life.

Get yourself signed on at the job centre (online)
Maybe sell a few things on Ebay.

You'll get through this.

Original poster
Samfrog · 25/05/2020 18:31

Thanks everyone for your advice you have all been amazing. Still no news from the police but thankfully he hasn't been near. I'm back at work just need to up my hours for a few months to get back on my feet. 🥰❤️

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/05/2020 18:46

Ah bless you, well done.

When you say the police didn’t get him, does that mean they interviewed him but didn’t charge him, or they haven’t tracked him down?

I assume it kicked off because you told him you were leaving him? This is the worst time for them. When they lose control of the situation. Make sure you have your phone charged and with you at all times. Do you have the emergency call function where you can press the side button?

for iPhones presume there’s something similar for Android?

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 25/05/2020 18:48

And maybe ask the police to put a marker on your address if you get even a whiff that he might be round. That way they will respond quickly to a call.