Emotional boundary with new housemate!

[jinniefromtheblock]

So I moved into my shared house back in January. For the first couple of months, my housemate (who is also the owner of the property) was barely ever around because he was either travelling or working away. (As an introvert, this suited me just fine).

Obviously, since the pandemic, he has had to postpone his travelling lifestyle and we've been stuck in the house together for 8 weeks now.

We're getting on well and he's a decent guy, but being in lockdown with him got me feeling a tad stifled. I'm used to spending most of my evenings alone (and weekends with my partner), but instead I'm spending every night with this guy and it has become clear that we have different expectations of each other.

Like, I'm happy to socialise with him a couple of times a week, but sometimes I just want to make my dinner, eat in peace and watch TV by myself. He doesn't always seem to get that. He'll ask me to watch something with him every night and seems puzzled why I want to go up to my room instead.

He'll often want to make small talk with me whenever I cross his path, and I'll feel obliged to talk back. He'll want to chat about how my day was or how his day was and if I have any plans for the day. He'll always be offering me beer and baking cakes for us both. He's even now suggesting we cook together sometimes!

On the one hand I feel comforted that he likes me and he's a nice guy, but on the other hand I feel like I'm entering a covert contract. I guess I'm worried that I'm coming off as anti-social, since it is his house and maybe he is used to housemates who are more 'sharing' with their lifestyles. Lately when he asks how my day is and enters a conversation, I'll answer him but I won't ask him back and then I feel bad.

He mentioned it's his birthday in a couple of days and now I'm wondering if I have a moral obligation to do something for him or with him, since he's not able to go and party with his friends.

I’m like this - I love my own space and need quiet time, otherwise I feel suffocated. Your a housemate, he doesn’t own you - only the property! Make an excuse when you don’t feel like socialising - you don’t need to feel guilty. I find putting my nose in a book very helpful when I want to be left alone! Get - or make him a card for his birthday - but you are under no obligation to do anything else! He can have a zoom party with his friends. Do you think he ‘likes’ you a bit too much (ie fancies you!!)?

I'm don't think he 'likes' me as he's been seeing a woman for about a year and he knows I have a boyfriend. But for some reason he always talks to me about his exes and women he finds attractive, and he complains to me about how women always want more of a commitment with him and he thinks we're on the same page in that respect (because I'm also laid-back in relationships). I really hope he doesn't like me anyway, because that would make me rather uncomfortable.

You just have to be more overt.

"Sorry, have to make some calls!"

"Sorry, I'm having an early night"

"Sorry, I'm shattered, might just read for a bit"

"Sorry, have to video call home"

"Sorry, feeling a bit antisocial today, you know those days haha! "

And if he starts to unload about exes or other women, shut it down "Ever thought about talking to someone professionally about this? Sounds like there's a lot of unresolved shit there. Best of luck with it though".

If he tries to talk about women he finds attractive, say "really not my expertise, you need to find a bloke to talk about this stuff to" . If he persists in the whole Oh women are easier to talk to bullshit, then say "not this woman!"

You need to be less of a Nice Girl. And ask yourself how would a bloke deal with this? They'd be far blunter and far more frank and far less concerned about whether they're coming across as being offhand. They'd just shut it down with humour but still, they'd shut it down and walk away whilst laughing.

He's going to use you as an emotional wastebasket just because you're being nice. Fuck that.

OP,

He sounds like a nice guy, but I would be allergic to the expectations that he has.

He's obviously chatty and seems like he is treating you like a pal and female confidant......awkward if you have zero interest in listening to him.

All you can do is be polite, friendly, but a bit distant.

The thing is, it is a house share, and it is a part of it....definitely not the watching tv together every night....that's just batshit😂

If he asks, tell him you are someone who needs your downtime.

It's not unusual to want some peace.

Do something for his birthday, you have to mark it in some way.

Perhaps give some thought to the future, because if he's not going to be travelling any time soon....you may need to move on.

Good luck.

Yeah, you're probably right about me being a 'nice girl'. I've made that mistake before with an ex who always unloaded his emotional troubles onto me and I thought I was doing good by being a 'helper'. Luckily my current boyfriend is much more stable, but I forget that non-partners and friends can also take advantage sometimes.
I'll have to keep that in mind, talking to him like a bloke would.

Ah it’s tricky - we just had to get rid of a housemate who was like this - I called myself his substitute girlfriend as he was just expecting the same level of social interaction as a partner. With this guy it was definitely just a lack of awareness that I had a partner and therefore would rather talk to him about my day than my flat mate. He’d sometimes come up to me and start telling me about his day before I’d even taken my shoes off after a day at work - nightmare.

I’d recommend you just pull your big girl pants on and just have an open conversation with him about it - it is 100% the only way it will ever get better, it’s not like he’s going to go back to travelling a lot any time soon. Be very explicit about things like “I’m an introvert so I need alone time to unwind”; “I’m happy to watch tv together twice a week on Mondays and Thursdays”, “I prefer to cook my own food but happy to do house dinner every Sunday night”.

Otherwise you’ll just get resentful and have to move out which is way way more hassle than having a moderately difficult conversation.

He’s clearly just more extroverted than you so he’s not doing it to annoy you, and to be fair to the guy he’s stuck at home too, which is why I’d try and meet in the middle a little bit where you cook together say once a week rather than just doing nothing together.

I'd probably feel the same as you if I was always "needed" for social interaction purposes, but you came off a little mean when you wondered if you were "morally obligated" to mark his birthday. I can't imagine sharing a house with anyone, especially during a situation like this, and NOT marking someone's birthday. All you would need to do is give him a card and watch a movie together, etc. The poor guy!

Sorry, I didn't meant to sound mean when saying that. I know I should probably do something with him. It's more that I know he'll want to get drunk (and or high) with me as that's what he seems to be hinting at and I'm not really fussed about that. Also, his birthday falls on the day where I said I'd meet my boyfriend for a social distancing picnic so now I'm a bit torn. I may just say I'll celebrate it with him at the weekend instead by getting him a takeaway, but I'll pass on getting high.

He sounds great. I'd love someone to bake me cakes and talk to me 😂

For his birthday but him a book about Introverts

It's a fine line, isn't it? With some people you can have the distance and the closeness and it works.

With current housemate, if we bump into one another in kitchen we chat and it's friendly, warm and casual. If either of us have a specific question or need, we can ask the other.

With a previous housemate, there was definitely a clinginess there - as those they desperately needed someone to dump their emotional baggage on and you could sense you were just been used and would be discarded afterwards.

With a third housemate, she was an emotional volcano, exploding and lashing out and demanding peoples attention but when anyone walked into the living room and she was there studying you could cut the air with a knife. She actually used one of Elspeth's lines on me after weeks of me helping her with her studies.

And there were more, but we won't go into them. They can make you feel as though it is your problem and that is hard to deal with if you need your own time (like I do).

I don't have any good answers, I'm afraid - just wanted to sympathise with you.

Although I do think it is interesting that at a time of material wealth, people seem more emotionally fragile than ever. I do think that is because fewer people are prepared to muck into a common set of rules now and it's all individual need without individual responsibility.

To be honest I can’t imagine not wanting to talk to the only other person I could see face to face for eight weeks.
Yes it’s not how id normally be with a flatmates but this isn’t normal. You’ve both been entirely cut off from all your friends and family, why wouldn’t you socialise a bit more than usual??

@ElspethFlashman

Super advice.

There is a big difference between being pleasant and casual to suddenly being chief emotional confidant to someone you're just happy to pass the time of day with.

Why not just be honest - I don't understand the excuse making.
Tell him, you like his company sometimes and understand he is probably bored, lonely etc... but you like to be alone more often than not.
I like the suggestion about the book for his birthday :) He maybe just doesn't realise.
Honestly, If I was him and you were the only person I could see - I'd literally talk the ears off you at any opportunity. I wouldn't mean any harm by it.
You takeaway birthday plan sounds lovely btw.

I would like that type of housemate but I'm also a very sociable extrovert. I do understand that people aren't so wouldn't be offended if someone like you told me straight that although they enjoyed spending some time with me, they need a lot more of their own space.

So talk to him honestly and come up with a plan that suits you both. Eg, you each do your own stuff most of the week but watch tv or eat together or do a quiz together a few times a week.

Most sociable people I know are also very understanding and easy going.

Sounds like he's trying to "proximity" an out of his league woman (you) into a relationship. Yeah, you have a bf, he says he has a gf, but it walks like a duck. Quack.

I was gonna say he sounded great. But then you mentioned how he talks about other women. I think he wants you to like him. For his egos sake.

The whole 'you're not like the rest of them' shpeal is a massive red flag. Genuinely would start looking for a new flat asap if I heard that. My guess is if you ask for space and try to create boundaries, he will bulldoze them. Or throw a huff and make you feel guilty for having them.

Definately dont get drunk or stoned around him.

He probably fancies you otherwise he wouldn't be so chatty and clingy and enjoying having a captive audience.

Make him a card for his birthday.
Then you'll have to stop being so nice. Not mean of course.

You're paying for the share and that doesn't include someone monopolizing all your time.

@Bunnymumy - you may be on to something but that's very strange if so. I had a guy friend in the past and he always criticised other girls and painted himself as a real womanizer and then it turned out it was because he was trying to impress me?!? Do guys seriously think that we are impressed by them showing themselves to be morons?

I think it's a narcissistic thing more than a guy thing. But we see it more from guys who are that way, because they are the ones who need women to stroke their ego.

Maybe do some reading up on narcissists to see if he displays other traits. Love bombing and narcissistic mirroring might be worth googling too incase he is doing any of those (considering he is already definately monopolising your time as is).

Let's hope he isnt one of them...

I really think you should keep your arrangement with your boyfriend! Seems a shame to potentially upset the him for the sake of someone you aren't close to.

Your housemate is now allowed to meet up with people if he keeps 2m apart so let him arrange his own bloody birthday! He's not a child.

But it's common for those sorts to put certain ppl on pedestals (often by comparing them favourably with others).

And then, suddenly, when they think they have won you over, or, when they realise you arent going to be won over - they turn on you and devalue you (suddenly all those other ppl they slagged off before, are smarter/funnier/better ect than you ect)

I think you sound a little strange and if it were my house you’d be gone.

... ... xD are you serious? She's this guys lodger. She doesn't owe him personal company every day.

I take in lodgers and i've never expected them to spend more than a couple of nights per week with me in front of the tv. One I used to cook dinner with every night but then she retired to her room.