Background: I have an exH who I have 2 children with. We divorced 6 years ago. I got married again last year, been together 4 years.
After the wedding, DH and I went on a honeymoon while the kids went on holiday with their dad. It was the longest time I had spent away from them, and when they got back exH said he needed to talk to me urgently and in private. I was worried about the children (obviously...) Thought something had happened. He was being all dramatic and handwringing. But no. It wasn't about them.
Instead he told me that "he had to confess", and that during our marriage (well, from before we even met) he had secretly been in a relationship with another woman. They had 2 children together. One of the children is a year younger than my youngest.
He has had a few gf's since we split up (him introducing new women and their children to my children days/weeks after he met them has been a big theme and a problem for the last few years) and he said that even through all that time, he still had this secret relationship.
(This all came out last summer, and honestly, typing it now, it all seems insane! I think I am still shocked!)
I never knew. I never knew at all. I had moments throughout our marriage where I occasionally became suspicious of things, but I always got met with "you are so paranoid, it is ruining our relationship, it's all in your head, you need to look after your mental health more" etc. (mental health comment is because we also had had a child who was stillborn, and while actually I think I coped it with it all pretty admirably in those first few years, exH always said it had damaged me mentally.)
Nothing has changed btw. He has a gf now (not this secret woman). I have no idea if he is still involved. The children don't know about their secret siblings. I think that he had a hard week with the children when I was on my honeymoon and was pissed off maybe, I'd just got married, was happy, and wanted to somehow hurt me, or something, and I think that is why he told me. There was no need to confess NOW was there?! I could have quite happily never known.
So, there's that.
About a year before this 'confession' something else happened, which was equally awful. My closest friend, who I loved and trusted and never would have doubted at all, had also been in a secret relationship with exH. They were together for about a year, all completely secret. They were both seemingly single at this time so the only reason for this to be secret and not public was to hide it from me. My friend and I would see each other 2-3 times a week. Babysat for each other. I even had her move in with me for a few weeks when she was having a hard time. And throughout all this, she was secretly in a relationship with my exH. (which wouldn't have even been a problem!! Why did they lie to me? Why didn't they just tell me?)
And again, I had no freaking idea!! I could not have been more shocked when it all came out. I actually didn't believe it, it didn't make sense. But they both told me it was true.
So, my life has plodded on. I have a lovely life, amazing children, a nice job, fun hobbies, lovely, lovely, lovely wider family.
But I am now paranoid and stressed and do not trust anybody. I am wary of friends - new and old. I even worry my children are lying. I have to fight so hard with myself to not check DH's phone, or to not feel suspicious when he goes to see his friends, or his parents. I never for a minute doubted anything before exH confessed about his secret relationship, but since then, my fears about my new marriage just increase and increase. It's got so much worse during the lockdown. I've been thinking about all the lies from my friend and my exH. It's on my mind a lot. I feel like my exH has ruined my new marriage by his stupid confession.
I have no idea if such a thing exists, but does anyone know of any practical ways to learn how to trust people?
DH is understanding, and can see that I am struggling. He doesn't have a password on his phone, he says I can look whenever if I need reassurance etc, but I don't want to do all that. I don't want to feel like this. At some point I will just have to learn to trust him. And everyone else. But how do I do that?
I feel like there is a line between being controlling and being a fucking idiot, and evidently I err too far on the idiot side.