anxious plus avoidant - can it work?

[overthinker121]

Bf and I get on so well when we're together but we have wildly different communication styles - I am anxious and he is avoidant. I know that this is the worst combination of attachment style to have in a relationship but I was wondering if anyone has any experience of the same thing and it working successfully? I am a bit concerned about what this combination means for our future

Does your bf know he is 'avoidant' and can you both communicate? Would couples therapy help to anticipate and navigate any potential bumps in the road? I'm sure anything is possible.

I haven't broached the subject... I am planning to at some point but as an avoidant he doesn't really like talking about feelings and I'm a bit concerned he might take the conversation as a criticism

No.

The more you need reassurance, the more he will withdraw from you.

The more you expect of him (such as do the washing up, pay a bill, get a job and go to work, put a fresh roll of toilet paper on the holder), the less he will do. Except if it's something he wants to do - those things he'll have absolutely no problem doing.

It will be torture for you.

No, he'll grind.your self esteem to dust and drive you mad.

I'm a bit concerned he might take the conversation as a criticism

You're already afraid of his reaction to a simple conversation. This needs to end, sorry.

@overthinker121, I’m sorry but ‘no’. I’ve discovered this after 26 years (I’m anxious, he’s avoidant). He has run off with his ex from 27 years ago. Dismissive avoidants behave in this way and you will never feel fulfilled, enriched by him. The last months of my marriage were a horror story. Don’t be me. Work on yourself, and end the relationship. He won’t change because he sees no need to do so.

I see no reason why it shouldn't work, if you are able to recognise that there are differences in your communication styles as long as you are both open to talking and listening to each other then you can navigate through this.

If he genuinely cares for you and is a decent human being he will be absolutely fine if you bring it up and should be open to compromise.

In the meantime OP, can you work on your self esteem and boundaries? You are already in danger of being in an unhealthy relationship if you feel you can’t broach this with him.

I have been in a relationship like this when I was younger, and more recently I’ve watched my close friends in similar relationships. The more you need, the more he’ll pull away. The more he pulls away, the more you’ll need. Neither one of you will have your needs met. It’s painful and distressing.

I’ve been in an extremely painful relationship with a DA (and still am to an extent - they have a way of pushing you away and pulling you back in that’s quite deductive) This person is VERY self aware and has had years of therapy but it hasn’t really changed anything.
Have the conversation OP at the very least and see if he recognises any of this, read up on it yourself but be warned it’s an exhausting and heartbreaking ride

*seductive

If he genuinely cares for you

The problem is that development of his own feelings will repel him faster than anything. Sadly, that is precisely why it can't work.

No its heartbreak waiting to happen. Im an anxious and was married to an avoidant and I spent 17 years with him pulling away from me. Utterly miserable and we made each other unhappy. Guess what though, Im still attracted to the avoidant type now I'm back on the dating scene. Its like unless Im chasing someone its boring, but its self destructive too.

I'm avoidant and trying to work through this in therapy and am single. The last guy I dated was anxious and initially it felt ideal for me. I was getting lots of attention from him without having to give anything of myself. Clearly this wasn't so pleasant for him.

Another big thing was that because he was so emotionally open with me from early on, I thought that that meant that he must really, really like and trust me, when in fact that's just how he was with everyone. I found this really confusing and I think actually made me more avoidant. For example, he would share his personal problems with anyone who would listen, whilst I would only tell someone I really, really trusted. So I wouldn't tell him stuff in case he then told someone else.

We broke up after a few months because we just couldn't communicate properly with each other, not just linked to the attachment style issues but also probably connected personality things. For example, I'm direct and want things done with minimum fuss whereas he would be all vague and 'wishywashy' so organising a date would feel tiresome for me unless I took control and said we're meeting at x time, in y place on z day.

Thanks everyone. I am trying really hard to work on my anxious attachment style, with some success, but I would like him to work in his attachment style too so it's not me doing all the changing, you know? I will broach the conversation with him at an appropriate time and if he's not receptive I suppose I will have my answer...